Writing Break

"Never forget me, because if I thought you would, I'd never leave." A.A.Milne

I don't like saying good-bye. I try to never say it to those I care about...the people I love. I think if I do.....I might never see them again. 

I've been thinking about taking a break from this blog for a while. I'll still be writing on my other ones and I'll be back here in a bit. 

I'm writing another book. I'm half through and need to focus on the edits and story line. 

Stay strong guys....Never give up your fight to live your best life.

Anyone who wants to still follow me can do so at my other blogs - 
Gentle Recovery or Write 2 Empower

Music

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.  Berthold Auerbach

Music.....it has an amazing ability to go deep down inside to those places that need something to hang onto.....something to connect with......those times that feel empty....lonely...afraid. But also those times of being happy.

I used to listen to hard rock...the stuff that connected with the part of me that hated everything....that was angry...that hurt so bad and wondered why I was even alive. I played the tunes over and over letting the words and the beat....feed my soul....and pump me to fight back.....first with hate....now with hope. 

Music used to confirm my sense of hopelessness.....But now it pushes me to try one more time...to hold on.....to know there's a purpose....a reason for living....a reason for being me...

I love getting in the car.....cranking up the music.....and letting it pull me to another level....to a place that makes me want to reach higher...and live my best life. 

Music reflects my mood. It puts a voice to the feelings inside....the ones I don't know how to express. The sounds...the words...the rhythm reminds me that everything will be okay.....the bad will turn around. Doubts...fears will lose their hold.....and even when I'm tired...exhausted.....music renews....refreshes and comforts in ways that only it can do. The songs I listen to now give hope....enouragement.....and always fill me with a sense of passion and renewal.  

Today

"Nothing is worth more than this day" Goethe 

Yesterday while out driving we passed a really bad accident. Two cars....one jumped a red light and hit another one head on. Ambulances....firemen....police. Red lights flashing......crowds gathered...everyone horrified at the scene that had unfolded in a blink of an eye. 

A couple of weeks ago.....a friend called. Her sister had been rushed to the hospital. I went to see her. We talked....laughed....everything seemed fine. She got hit with pneumonia.....a week later.....she died.

Life - it's pretty fragile and unpredictable. I never thought about it before. I was too focused on fighting to survive.  But now....

All I know for sure...is that I have today....right now.....this moment. And for all those times I thought about ending my life.....Now I want each day to count....to be with my family....to watch my kids grow....to be outside....and smell the sweet smell of life in the air...and look up in the sky....and trust and know there's a purpose for each one of us. 

I've changed. Everything in me wants to live fully....to wake up...to know it's another day to kick back and breathe in life......

It's so crazy.....at one time.....I balanced on a thin thread hovering between life and death - not convinced life held any meaning other than pain and fear. Not anymore. Now......I wake up and can't wait to start the day. I love getting outside...in the fresh air....feeling the wind in my hair....hearing His whisper in my heart.....listening to my heartsong and knowing I really want to live....each day.....as if its my last.....to the fullest....giving my best.  I want to make up for all those lost years. 

And I want others to feel what I feel.....that peace inside...and joy that sometimes feels like it gonna spill over. And on the dark days....the days I'm too tired...the days that aren't going the best......I want to write....and remember.....I have  today......to make a difference....and live my best life.

Fighting Tools

"I'll never say never.  I'll fight till forever.  I never thought I could feel this power. I never thought I could feel this free" Justin Beiber

When things had gotten so bad in my life I somehow managed to grasp onto hope. Hope gave me the power to hold on...to not let go.....to not give up. 

Hope pushed back despair...It made me believe there could be freedom from the dance with darkness.  Hope became a lifeline....an anchor....

But what really made the biggest difference....was when I somehow slipped from hope into faith.  With hope I wished things would change. But once I had faith, I knew they would. I'm not sure how I even moved from one to the other. All I know is I needed hope.....and then I needed faith. Faith gave me the courage and power to fight back.  It enabled me to clench my fists.....grit my teeth and apply all my energy to getting out of the cycle of shame that had taken over my life. 

It was like being in a tornado.....the fight to get out was tough. I remember days when I was so tired from trying to stop the downward pull from sucking me deeper into that black hole. But I wouldn't stop fighting. I shut my ears to people who said,  you can't...you won't.....not possible. I couldn't hear that. I wouldn't. Instead I focused  on getting free. And looking back now....that road to freedom was hard....tough....long...scary. Very scary. Especially when friends died....gave up....gave in....couldn't hold on.  Many times I wanted to close my eyes...go to sleep...and never wake up. I didn't want to think anymore....or feel the pain......but  that fighter in me needed to fight...to beat this thing. 

Faith became my strength. It helped me. But first.....I needed hope to believe that maybe the dance could change. Hope gave me that expectation......and faith was the force that pushed me to the winner's line. 

I learned it can get even darker before the Light begins to shine through....but once that Light gets in.....it begins to work its magic pushing back every bit of blackness....inch by inch until all that's left is Light....