Writing to Heal

"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart." William Wordsworth.

Writing - journaling has been one of the best ways for me to deal with stuff. I couldn't tell anyone what happened, how I felt or how afraid I was or even what I wanted or needed - But I could write.

Writing helps free me. It takes me to that dark place deep inside myself that I've been too afraid to look at. The place that's held the fear, the shame, the pain, the memories.....The place I've spent years running from. Writing has helped pull from that place what I could never say.

To say meant owning it - Owning it meant it was real. I didn't want it to be real. But the shame kept me a prisoner....isolated and distant even from myself....

So I write.

In writing I own it. In writing it becomes real. In writing I look at the shame. I face the fear, the pain, the memories that have tormented me.

There are times I want to close my eyes and not wake up....the memories hurt- the shame too overwhelming....But God doesn't let me give up. He takes me to a place I've never been....a peaceful place. He sooths that part of me I try to hide, to push away, to pretend doesn't exist. He offers me His gentleness and whispers; it's ok now.

People in my life don't know where I've been. They see me as happy, fun, free. I don't know how I never told anyone about being held in that house for six months, desperate to get away. I don't know how I never told all those things I lived, the 14 year drug addiction, the years of battling an eating disorder and cutting myself, of being forced into situations that nearly broke me. It's like I've lived two lives. Side by side. Never free. Pretending. But I want to be free. I really want to be free.

My book is soon ready to be published. I'm afraid of people I work with, friends and neighbours knowing how awful things were and how much a fight it has been. Not telling though is being selfish. If God hadn't touched me the way He had - I wouldn't have lived. I owe Him.

Forgiveness

"Peace is not possible without forgiveness" Naomi Drew

When God touched me I knew I had to forgive those people who hurt me. I thought it wouldn't be so hard to forgive my parents. I forgave them a gizillion times. No matter what they said, no matter what they did - no matter how awful they treated me - I forgave them. At least I thought I had forgiven them. I think now I just minimized the things they did and made excuses for them.

I thought of the judges, the police, the "professionals" who locked me up, over medicated me, tied me down - did what they wanted. I hated them even more than I hated my parents. I forgave them. Then I thought of what they did and I hated them again. When I remembered the things they did, I wanted to hurt myself. Take the anger and hatred out on me. The hatred made me crazy. I didn't want to hold onto the hate so I forgave them again and again and again. I"m still doing that.

The rapist was even harder to forgive. He hadn't just hurt me. I found out he had hurt kids. Somehow I could forgive him for what he did to me but not for what he did to the kids. When I heard that his son killed himself and what he had done to the boy - I hated him. I wanted to see him punished. And I hated the boy's mother for not protecting him. I didn't want to forgive. I'm working on it.

The hardest to forgive though was myself. I hated me more than I hated everyone else. I hated myself so much I wanted to destroy me. That's why for a long time I couldn't stop hurting myself. Even sometimes now when I'm tired, frustrated or impatient about something - I want to hurt myself. I won't though. I run instead. Or write. The intensity of the feelings overwhelms me.

Forgiveness isn't so easy. I remember how much God forgave me. When He did, the peace and joy I felt were amazing. Like being released from prison. Walking free. Forgiveness. I want to keep on trying to make forgiveness a way of living because I want peace in my life. And I want others to know peace too.

Letting Go

"Deny your weakness and you will never realize God's strength in you." Joni Eareckson Tada

For years all my efforts went into forcing myself to be strong. The cutting, the drugs, the throwing up - all of it were my attempts at pushing myself to be strong, to not fall, to not give up.

No matter what happened or what anyone did to me - I struggled with myself to stand firm. I refused to cry, refused to admit I was scared or even that I needed help. Instead I lashed out. I felt like I was in a war - fighting so hard I nearly killed myself. Even after God amazingly freed me from the drugs - I continued to hurt myself - refusing to eat, forcing myself to throw up, biting my arms, punching and cutting myself......I told God I trusted Him but I didn't trust Him. I didn't trust Him to not allow me to get hurt again.

As a kid I was threatened to never show fear or sadness. But how do you really do that unless you lose a part of who you are? I went away. Far away. In my head. In my own world. A world where no one could reach me. A world where I couldn't reach me. I got lost. The way back has been long. Hard. There were days I didn't want to come back. I struggled with not wanting to be seen. Being seen meant getting hurt. I didn't want to get hurt again.

I've been afraid of feelings. I never knew how or what to do with them. So I punished myself for having them. Sadness, fear - even joy.

Yesterday I went running in the woods near our old place. As I ran through the secluded hills and trails, I felt like I had come home. In the quiet, the calm, the peacefulness - God's whisper in my spirit reminded me - He was with me. Everything will be ok. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to lean on His strength.

Real Strength

"It is the support and care and love you give yourself that gives you the real strength to care for and love others." Oprah Winfrey

I want to make a difference. I want to impact others in positive ways. I know it has to start with me. - Taking care of myself, honoring the life God blessed me with; embracing all of who I am; the good, the bad and the ugly. Accepting me just as I am. That is a tough thing to do some days. For years I berated myself for not being good enough. I did to myself what those who hurt me, did to me. I called myself names when I couldn't do something. I hurt myself to try to stop being afraid or when I felt vulnerable and weak. I refused to eat and threw up when I did because I believed I had no right to exist. That's what I was told. That's what I accepted.

The cult of deception: - lies I believed. Lies that almost destroyed me. Lies that kept me in a cycle of pain. I lived my life based on those lies. The lies made me sick. I had persistent panic attacks. Simply walking down the street triggered them. My stomach hurt. I felt dizzy, lightheaded. My perceptions became distorted and my heart raced. I felt like I was losing control and was powerless to stop it. I obsessed about the fear of being seen. Being seen meant getting hurt - I spent a lifetime hiding.

But amazingly God touched me. Broke the curse of deception. Cut the cords of despair. Filled me with a joy that bubbled and overflowed. The self-destructive behaviours continued. My need to hide persisted, except now I felt I wasn't alone in the dance anymore.

I started reading the Bible. I discovered its power of truth was able to dispel the darkness. I read and reread and learned I was made in His image. I found out I was the apple of His eye. I learned He wanted to set me free.

I moved with caution, but at least I moved. For every two steps forward I was thrown one back. I became frustrated, angry, overwhelmed. But I sensed His Spirit whispering encouragement, prodding me to keep taking a step, then another, and then another.

His touch empowered me. He poured His love into my broken spirit. Somehow His gentleness made a difference. There were days I was so consumed with self-hate that I raised my fist in the air and screamed at Him, daring Him to kill me. Amazingly, instead, He whispered words of peace. The presence of His love walked me through the lies and the pain - He taught me new ways to cope - running, nature, friends, His Word.

I want to partner with Him to help others find freedom. I live with tremendous gratitude.