Change

"Something in the wind has learned my name; And it's telling me that things are not the same. In the leaves on the trees and the touch of the breeze, there's a pleasing sense of happiness for me" The Carpenters

Sometimes I feel this overwhelming sense of happiness - a happiness that equals the sadness I used to feel. I don't always know what to do with that feeling. Running helps....so does writing and dancing with my girls.
 
I am really grateful He didn't let me die...And He's given me back so much. When He freed me from the drugs...even though I couldn't stop throwing up and cutting myself, I went back to school. I finished high school....then applied to university and got accepted. I walked around the campus waiting for someone to tell me I didn't belong there...for someone to say I was too stupid and couldn't do the work...and that I had no right to even be at university. 


In spite of all the drugs I did.... and all the times I had been beaten....and had my head bashed against the wall....I got on the dean's honor list. I thought they made a mistake. I thought they got it wrong. I thought they would take it back as soon as they discovered the error. 

I couldn't stand up in front of the class to speak...to do the presentations. I couldn't open my mouth. And I couldn't handle anyone looking at me. No one knew that everyday I was throwing up and cutting myself. No one knew what had happened to me. I detached from everything that happened....I detached enough to study. I learned to present 'normal.'  I had learned that as a kid....when my father pushed his fist in my face threatening to hurt me more if I cried.....I learned to present 'normal' when the rapist humiliated me...when he wouldn't let me go and I learned it from the professionals who told me if I didn't do what they wanted...I would never be released...

But presenting 'normal' isn't being 'normal.' I couldn't let people look in my eyes and I couldn't let them get too close. 


I never knew until I started writing last year....how shame kept me living less than free. No matter what I accomplished...shame wouldn't allow me the real freedom I craved. 


I have learned this past year...I needed to voice those things I never said. I needed to own them. Blogging has helped me so much. It's given me a voice....I can feel the shift inside. I can feel the the shame leaving. And I feel that happiness inside. Today....I want to dance....