Thursday, November 26, 2009

Change

"Something in the wind has learned my name; And it's telling me that things are not the same. In the leaves on the trees and the touch of the breeze, there's a pleasing sense of happiness for me" The Carpenters

Sometimes I feel this overwhelming sense of happiness - a happiness that equals the sadness I used to feel. I don't always know what to do with that feeling. Running helps....so does writing and dancing with my girls.
 

I am really grateful He didn't let me die...And He's given me back so much. When He freed me from the drugs...even though I couldn't stop throwing up and cutting myself, I went back to school. I finished high school....then applied to university and got accepted. I walked around the campus waiting for someone to tell me I didn't belong there...for someone to say I was too stupid and couldn't do the work...and that I had no right to even be at university. 


In spite of all the drugs I did.... and all the times I had been beaten....and had my head bashed against the wall....I got on the dean's honor list. I thought they made a mistake. I thought they got it wrong. I thought they would take it back as soon as they discovered the error. 

I couldn't stand up in front of the class to speak...to do the presentations. I couldn't open my mouth. And I couldn't handle anyone looking at me. No one knew that everyday I was throwing up and cutting myself. No one knew what had happened to me. I detached from everything that happened....I detached enough to study. I learned to present 'normal.'  I had learned that as a kid....when my father pushed his fist in my face threatening to hurt me more if I cried.....I learned to present 'normal' when the rapist humiliated me...when he wouldn't let me go and I learned it from the professionals who told me if I didn't do what they wanted...I would never be released...

But presenting 'normal' isn't being 'normal.' I couldn't let people look in my eyes and I couldn't let them get too close. 


I never knew until I started writing last year....how shame kept me living less than free. No matter what I accomplished...shame wouldn't allow me the real freedom I craved. 


I have learned this past year...I needed to voice those things I never said. I needed to own them. Blogging has helped me so much. It's given me a voice....I can feel the shift inside. I can feel the the shame leaving. And I feel that happiness inside. Today....I want to dance....




24 comments:

Debbie Thorkildsen said...

You deserve to be happy. Run, write, dance and enjoy!

Susan Deborah said...

Dance like no one's watching -- You deserve that. As I always say: Everything happens for a purpose.

Joy always,
Susan

Andrea said...

Dance like David, before the Lord! Enjoy the life HE has made for you and rejoice in it.
Blessings, hugs, and prayers, andrea

Audrinna said...

write all you want.

Finally Free said...

Sarah,
I celebrate the "freedom from shame" with you, my friend. :)

Dancing with you,
Tammy

A Gracious Home said...

During my childhood I was abused and it didn't bother me very much. My three sisters were devastated by it. We weren't sexually abused but all the other things and more were a way of life. I think the difference is personalities. Some people are just more sensitive than others. I pray you will be fine. Happy Thanksgiving, Doylene

Maureen said...

Praise God for the freedom He is giving to you. Truth really does set us free. Truth of who you are in Christ, and who He is in you. Keep walking in that freedom; I know there is more to come for you.

Paula & Skip said...

LET'S DANCE

Jeannie said...

Blogging has helped me much the same way. Although I've been wondering if what I feel now is happiness, I'm not sure - I know it is contentment at least - but more than that, I am simply feeling. I hadn't realized how shut down I was to anything but pain.

Precious Gems said...

Happy Thanksgiving :)

Audrinna said...

Happy Thanksgiving

Roxy said...

Dance, precious one... express yourself through movements from your heart and soul. Blogging helped me tremendously, and I'm glad you are finding the courage to write, and free yourself of the ties that bind you.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Keystone said...

When Karen Carpenter sang that song "On Top Of The World", including the snippet at the top of this post, she was presenting a "normal that was not normal".

She was dying inside literally, and would leave this world too soon, with one less beautiful voice.

Your writing is the release to you, that food ingested normally would have been to Ms. Carpenter....a source of New Life!

I have walked the carnivals with my daughters and looked at mirrors at one corner of an arcade.

In one mirror, I am short, squished, and fat.

In another mirror, I am tall, skinny, and have a 12" head.

Another presented me as I thought I looked like, but after the prior presentations (and more) I was no longer sure of which mirror reflected the "real" me.

What we look like from the outside is most often a far different picture than what we ARE on the inside.
Ask any clown.... with a perpetual smile on his face, and a heart shattered within (many clowns enter the profession to escape what they really are).

YOU write! We will read.

YOU change! We will observe metamorphasis in process.

You become the person God meant you to be. We will come to know God as He is, (through you), not as we perceive in the distorted mirrors of this present world.

I pray you are able to find the mirror that reflects the true YOU .... the one that shows "precious" as a reflection.

God be with you and bless you abundantly. Expect a miracle as they are still, His specialty.

Best regards,
Keystone

Just Be Real said...

Dance the "Freedom Dance" girl! Amen!!!!

Jensmere said...

Hi Sarah...
I read this week in 2 Samuel about King David dancing before the Lord when the Ark of the Covenant was carried into Jerusalem. I was overwhelmed by the images in my mind of such joy and gladness.

I long to dance in His presence...I long for the day when you and I can join hands and dance together as sisters of the King!

Keep dancing...keep your voice ringing through these blogs...
Be blessed, dear one!
Susan

Epiphany said...

Hey gorgeous, this post reminded me of this image: http://artandmylife.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/happy_dance.jpg

Glad to see you so happy. :)

Denise said...

Dance my beautiful friend, dance.

Lisa Marie said...

Your voice is your greatest asset, and you have chosen to use it. Bless you for your courage and determination to keep talking!

Madison said...

I wish we were all sitting in a packed auditorium with squishy tomatoes in hand and your dad was seated on the stage. I have a very good arm. You're an overcomer.

Prayer Girl said...

You wrote, "I have learned this past year...I needed to voice those things I never said. I needed to own them. Blogging has helped me so much. It's given me a voice....I can feel the shift inside. I can feel the the shame leaving. And I feel that happiness inside. Today....I want to dance...."

Beautiful words from a beautiful soul. God is good. God is great.

PG

Peter Stone said...

"Today....I want to dance..." This is so beautiful. Praise our loving Lord for His gentleness, guiding us towards wholeness and joy again.
It is amazing how much it can help to write or journal our sufferings, how He can use that expression to help us sift through the mess and along the path He wants to lead us.
God bless you heaps :)

Karen said...

Amen...dance away...cause He dances over you!

Wanda's Wings said...

What a beautiful blog. Dance my friend, dance.

abbie said...

I just saw that you'd been to my blog. Since I long ago gave up believing in "coincidence", I had to come and see where the Lord was leading me. I've found another of my lost sisters. My Sister in the family of Surviving THRIVERS. :) They might have tried, but they did NOT succeed in taking our spirit away. YOU ROCK. THank you for leaving me a trail of breadcrumbs to your heart. I look forward to visiting...