"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." Oprah Winfrey
Money....I have a problem with it. Not that I spend it crazy. I don't spend it at all. I have this weird belief I'm not supposed to.
Money...things...living on the streets I never had enough...of anything...food, clothes, stuff. Most times I didn't really care. I got so I knew how to get around.....how to get my needs met. I learned to connect with people who gave me things - gave me what I needed - and I learned to do without a lot of stuff.
It's different now. I have more than enough, but I live like I'm still on the street....not wanting to spend or buy anything - living like I have nothing.
I used to give everything away. If someone liked something I had and asked me for it....even if I really liked it - I gave it to them. I didn't think I deserved to have anything. Other times, I lost stuff....lots of stuff - in that fire - when they incarcerated me - when the rapist kept me trapped in that house for six months.....everything I had - gone. Nothing had value. Nothing meant anything. I had no value. My life meant nothing....
I met this older woman...a survivor of the war. She worked as a cleaning lady and told me she scrapes the plates and eats the leftovers.....she can't waste the food. Living through the war....having nothing affected her deeply. She can't let go of the memories of going to bed hungry - never having enough. I think I'm doing the same thing.
I know how to fight for something - and to hold on to what I have...afraid of loosing it. I try to tell myself it's ok now, but.....
I don't know how to change this. I want to for my kids. I don't want them to take on this fear...the fear of loosing or using 'the things' that's been given. I used to have terrible nightmares of my kids being taken from me...through death or being lost..or someone hurting them. I don't dream that anymore, but I think it's the same thing with money. I've been afraid that everything good or anything that I love will be taken away.
I'm really thankful for all the things I've been given....mostly - for my family and friends. If I loose them it would hurt too much...but if I loose things...those could be replaced.
Today I'm going to try....to try to let go of the fear and to trust...
The Old Fashion Way, Victorian Times.
6 months ago