Sunday, November 29, 2009

Things


"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." Oprah Winfrey

Money....I have a problem with it. Not that I spend it crazy. I don't spend it at all. I have this weird belief I'm not supposed to.

Money...things...living on the streets I never had enough...of anything...food, clothes, stuff. Most times I didn't really care. I got so I knew how to get around.....how to get my needs met. I learned to connect with people who gave me things - gave me what I needed - and I learned to do without a lot of stuff.

It's  different now. I have more than enough, but I live like I'm still on the street....not wanting to spend or buy anything - living like I have nothing.

I used to give everything away. If someone liked something I had and asked me for it....even if I really liked it - I gave it to them. I didn't think I deserved to have anything. Other times, I lost stuff....lots of stuff - in that fire - when they incarcerated me - when the rapist kept me trapped in that house for six months.....everything I had - gone. Nothing had value. Nothing meant anything. I had no value. My life meant nothing....

I met this older woman...a survivor of the war. She worked as a cleaning lady and told me she scrapes the plates and eats the leftovers.....she can't waste the food. Living through the war....having nothing affected her deeply. She can't let go of the memories of going to bed hungry - never having enough. I think I'm doing the same thing.

I know how to fight for something - and to hold on to what I have...afraid of loosing it. I try to tell myself it's ok now, but.....


I don't know how to change this. I want to for my kids. I don't want them to take on this fear...the fear of loosing or using 'the things' that's been given. I used to have terrible nightmares of my kids being taken from me...through death or being lost..or someone hurting them. I don't dream that anymore, but I think it's the same thing with money. I've been afraid that everything good or anything that I love will be taken away. 

I'm really thankful for all the things I've been given....mostly - for my family and friends. If I loose them it would hurt too much...but if I loose things...those could be replaced. 

Today I'm going to try....to try to let go of the fear and to trust...




16 comments:

Andrea said...

Trust is very hard when you have been in places where there was none. I try to give it all away. Each of us is at a different place in our journey. We will join together and pray for one another knowing GOD is greater than any of this....and through HIM we can "trust."
Blessings, andrea

Pete Hoge said...

Step by Step God leads us
by the hand into His Kingdom.

We want to embrace Him fully
but we need to be formed
according to His will, His
timetable in doing things.

The frustration can be too
much.

Blessings for you.

Pete.

RCUBEs said...

It's not easy sometimes but with God's guidance, nothing is impossible. The change may not happen overnight, but it seemed that you have your priorities going - of putting your thoughts on what cost more....family, friends, love and not material things..."Seek first His kingdom and all these things will be given to you as well." Hang in there sister! God bless.

Roxy said...

Material things can be taken away in a flash... I have learned to place little value on them. You have the right idea to value family, friends and God over all else :)

Madison said...

Just that you recognize this is a step toward freedom.

Terri Tiffany said...

Roxy said it best-- value friends and family and God over things. When my husband had his job, we bought things--they mean nothing today--I'm grateful with what I have every day:)

speck of dust said...

It's as though you feel you don't deserve the gifts that you have of money and security in your life now. The past is the past. It's of no use to you now. You are aware of this which is a great thing because once we become aware of traits that aren't useful to us anymore we can make changes. Why not start out spending some money on other people and work up to spending some on yourself. This is your life, your one life, you deserve to enjoy it sweetheart. You obviously have a great love of your friends and family. Having money and spending it sometimes won't negate that. X

Prayer Girl said...

Change can happen very slowly and in tiny little steps, but that is still change.
Pray, have patience, and be persistent in your efforts to let go of the fear.

In time, you will heal.
PG

Lisa Marie said...

I think this is a very common reaction to having something you are not used to having. And in the case of money, where it can be gained and lost so easily with almost no control on your part I can see where the anxiety lies. But that being said, God gave it to you because he knows you deserve it. You deserve to give your children the things you didn't have. You deserve to have those things now.

Denise said...

God will show you the way.

Wanda's Wings said...

Your faith is strong. God will honor that and show you the way.

Karen said...

You can do it...you are not alone...we have to start each day with what was written in your last paragraph...

"Today I'm going to try....to try to let go of the fear and to trust..."

Audrinna said...

I understand this when we do have money . I want buy self anything ,i will for the family or pay the bills. and if I'm by myself I want eat I feel like i don't deserve it

Zan said...

You do deserve it. You're so self-aware, you know what you need to do. It's difficult doing it but just follow that voice inside you because it'll lead you to a much happier place.
Treat yourself and your family! You all deserve it!

xx

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

Sarah, someone said something to me once that has stuck with me, especially when I'm worried about money. I'm a missionary, so I depend on support. And I have a tendency to scrimp for fear that a "tight season" will come very soon. We were at dinner and he ordered a dessert, which was just a few dollars extra. Someone said something to him about money and he shrugged, saying, "My attitude is, there's enough. That doesn't mean going out and being irresponsible, blowing it when you don't need to. It doesn't mean being aware that it's a tough economy and things are tighter financially. It just means being comfortable where you are. I want dessert tonight. And you know what? I can afford it for tonight."

I know it's different when you've lived through a war or what you have and I completely understand the tendencies to hoard, scrimp, and be afraid. But I've learned that being afraid for money does nothing but ruin my day. I don't go out and spend a lot--I can't. But I do everything in my power now not to freak and wonder how in the world I'm going to pay my bills.

I hope you have a great day!

Deborah said...

Hi, Thank you for following my Kindness blog!
You are a strong women and I look forward to following your blog.
Many Blessings, Deborah