Monday, November 23, 2009

Giving Back


"Feel the fear and do it anyways." Susan Jeffers

I need to thank you guys. I got into a horrible slump - doubted everything I was working towards - After I posted, I was totally blown away by your responses. I am humbled by your support, your kindness and your encouragement. Thanks guys. Thank you so much.  I still have doubts...and fears....but I'm going forward. I'm hoping what I wrote...what I lived may make a difference for someone.....I want to make a difference. I want to reach back....I want to give hope to someone feeling like there's no way out. I still remember those feelings and thinking death was the only way to find peace...


I remember some of my friends who didn't survive the streets, the drugs, the pain....some took their own lives....others died accidently.  They didn't see a way out of the fight. They couldn't hold on. Sometimes I wonder why I survived and they didn't.
All I know  -  when He touched me....He made the difference. He didn't let me die.  I weighed less than  90 pounds -  my heart could have stopped; I used to walk on the top ledges of buildings thinking I was invincible. I could have fallen to my death. He didn't let me. Things happened - terrible things - things that taught me to hate....that hatred pushed me to fight back - to strike out.....That hatred became my strength. Many times I lay in the dark - unable to move - my body hurting so bad - feeling weak - desperate for a fix....thinking of ways to end it all....to let go and give in to the darkness. He wouldn't let me.

Arrested for drug possession, my social worker thought it would be easier for me to serve the time on a locked ward of a mental hospital than in prison. Her intentions were good, but I was terrified of the 'crazy' people - strange looking people who paced up and down the dingy hallways muttering to themselves, shaking their fists in the air, carrying on conversations with no one....Others did weird things like one guy who misinterpreted the Bible - 'if your eye offends you...pluck it out.' He did. Alone in his house, he cut his eye out of its socket - then drove himself to the hospital. And some of the staff used their power to humilate and hurt... I learned to hate even more in that place. But I also learned something else - something from the 'crazy' people - they taught me compassion. Their stories were sad. It wasn't their fault they were sick. I learned compassion from them. They taught me not to judge...to be kind....to look beyond the external.....


Courage - I never thought I had any. I thought I was a wimp, a chicken - hiding from the world, not wanting to be seen, running scared.
Courage - I think now I do have some - maybe I always did. Maybe my fighting, my push against those awful things was a sign of courage...I had always thought courage would feel different - strong, confident  - now though, I think you can be scared and not feel very brave and still have courage.

I really do want to make a difference - a difference for others - giving hope and maybe helping people trapped in the darkness find their way out.

He let me live. I want my life to reflect the kindness He gave me... I want Him to use what I lived - I want to give back.....



16 comments:

Madison said...

God gave you the wants. He's working it all out. Your future and your impact is in His Hands, just like your life in the middle of the darkest days. You blow out statistics. I like that.

Just Be Real said...

((((Sarah)))))

My dear Sarah. Never apologize dear one.

If anything, do this for the friends that you talk about in this post. The ones that did not make it, to encourage the ones that still can!! You have a destiny! God has put a promise in your heart!

You Have A Story To Be Told!!!

RCUBEs said...

God did turn everything to good because you love Him!!! So, let your words inspire and encourage, the way you were encouraged by Him. There are many hurting out there who are afraid to speak up. May your words help them find that only road...that leads to hope and His love. God bless.

Prayer Girl said...

Thank you Sarah for your comment on my blog. Sometimes it is hard to stay strong. Sometimes I don't feel strong.

That's how I have felt for a few days - hurt, angry, even revengeful. I hate that. This morning I picked up a book with writings of Mother Teresa and it is helping me move out of this place that is not good for me or anyone else and closer to Him.

PG

Paula said...

You make a difference in my life already. I am so glad to have met you. And you made me grin from one ear to the other: I am pacing the hallway as often as I can, trying to get rid of my restlessness. Actually today one of my therapist at the center said I am running a hallyway marathon! I would be crazy enough to do it. Be different can be so normal at times. Love you

Deborah Ann said...

May God bless this book, and touch every reader in a special way...

Audrinna said...

Thank you for being my friend

Andrea said...

Thank you for allowing GOD to continually use you in a mighty and victorious way.
Blessings, hugs, love, and prayers, andrea

Colleen said...

God has given you some gifts. You are one of His lights, bringing light to a dark world. Your courage - that is a gift. Your writing - that is a gift. Your openness & honesty is another gift. You are using them to help others and to heal. And if you don't use His gifts? God loves you anyway. God loves you just the way you are. Hang on to Him. Hugs and prayers.

Dean Corso said...

You are and you will help people who struggle. At the end...nothing matters but what you did, and what you're doing...will be the light till the end of your path; which will be a long beautiful one.

Zan said...

You've already made a difference, with this book you'll be able to reach out even further and make a difference to someone, somewhere.
Thanks for being my friend :)
Proud of you for pushing forward!

Pete Hoge said...

He raised you to make a difference.

If we forget ourselves he
reminds us we are His, we belong
to His kingdom.

Pete.

Audrinna said...

you survived to tell your story and to help other to let them know there not a lone. I hope someday I can tell mine

Denise said...

Thanks for making a beautiful difference everyday of your life sweetie.

Wonderingsoul said...

I haven't been around much lately Sarah and so didn't read this post or the one before... Though I very much understand that there are times where it feels as though you are weighed down still by the fear you have battled so long.
I hope you are feeling a little better an I really wanted you to know that you have made a difference to me and I do't even really know you! You have made a difference by being one of the people who hears and understands and doesn't seem to judge or put horrible pressure on me to change or blame me for how I feel or... any of those things... I have been so so touched by your gentle acceptance and listening.
More than I can say.
Thank you.

xxx

abbie said...

When I tell my Sponsor I'm scared of (doing) something, she tells me to "do it scared", and so I have. More than once I was sure that I'd pee down my leg before I was finished, but I got through the things. I was taught that courage is not the absence of fear; it is being afraid, but doing it anyway. "You are stronger than you know", to paraphrase S. Nicks. :)