Giving Back

"Feel the fear and do it anyways." Susan Jeffers

I need to thank you guys. I got into a horrible slump - doubted everything I was working towards - After I posted, I was totally blown away by your responses. I am humbled by your support, your kindness and your encouragement. Thanks guys. Thank you so much.  I still have doubts...and fears....but I'm going forward. I'm hoping what I wrote...what I lived may make a difference for someone.....I want to make a difference. I want to reach back....I want to give hope to someone feeling like there's no way out. I still remember those feelings and thinking death was the only way to find peace...


I remember some of my friends who didn't survive the streets, the drugs, the pain....some took their own lives....others died accidently.  They didn't see a way out of the fight. They couldn't hold on. Sometimes I wonder why I survived and they didn't.
All I know  -  when He touched me....He made the difference. He didn't let me die.  I weighed less than  90 pounds -  my heart could have stopped; I used to walk on the top ledges of buildings thinking I was invincible. I could have fallen to my death. He didn't let me. Things happened - terrible things - things that taught me to hate....that hatred pushed me to fight back - to strike out.....That hatred became my strength. Many times I lay in the dark - unable to move - my body hurting so bad - feeling weak - desperate for a fix....thinking of ways to end it all....to let go and give in to the darkness. He wouldn't let me.

Arrested for drug possession, my social worker thought it would be easier for me to serve the time on a locked ward of a mental hospital than in prison. Her intentions were good, but I was terrified of the 'crazy' people - strange looking people who paced up and down the dingy hallways muttering to themselves, shaking their fists in the air, carrying on conversations with no one....Others did weird things like one guy who misinterpreted the Bible - 'if your eye offends you...pluck it out.' He did. Alone in his house, he cut his eye out of its socket - then drove himself to the hospital. And some of the staff used their power to humilate and hurt... I learned to hate even more in that place. But I also learned something else - something from the 'crazy' people - they taught me compassion. Their stories were sad. It wasn't their fault they were sick. I learned compassion from them. They taught me not to judge...to be kind....to look beyond the external.....

Courage - I never thought I had any. I thought I was a wimp, a chicken - hiding from the world, not wanting to be seen, running scared.
Courage - I think now I do have some - maybe I always did. Maybe my fighting, my push against those awful things was a sign of courage...I had always thought courage would feel different - strong, confident  - now though, I think you can be scared and not feel very brave and still have courage.

I really do want to make a difference - a difference for others - giving hope and maybe helping people trapped in the darkness find their way out.

He let me live. I want my life to reflect the kindness He gave me... I want Him to use what I lived - I want to give back.....