" Trust Yourself." Benjamin Spock
These last few months, I've been really focused - strong - confident - about telling my story. I didn't start writing to put this into book form. It somehow evolved - people started telling me I need to tell...I need to tell what happened.
I began writing in April '08. I was sitting at the computer wondering what happened to the rapist. Nothing came up when I googled his name, but someone knew him and asked me to call her. She told me things I had forgotten....things I didn't want to hear - didn't want to remember. Then strangely, I connected with the rapist's son....Other things started happening....reminders...people, the suicide of the rapist's son....my sister returning from living overseas, forcing me to listen..I felt sick. I had never told. I wrote. All hours of the day and into the night....I wrote. Everyday I ran alone in the woods, in the hills wanting to run from the memories. It felt like it was happening all over again. There were days I wanted to get in my car, close my eyes and drive. I kept writing. I met this writer. She told me 'start a blog.' I did. The blog became my voice. I wrote for me. I wrote those things I could never say out loud. Then I realized people were reading what I wrote. You guys affirmed me. You believed me. Everytime I hit post, I waited for someone to tell me they didn't believe me. You always did.
I got stronger....Sometimes I needed to say the same things a few times - I didn't believe the words I wrote. I kept reading and rereading.....I didn't understand at the time, but doing that helped me connect to myself...to what happened. I needed to believe me. And something else...the shame that had lived inside me was starting to leave. I could look people in their eyes. I couldn't do that before.
These last two weeks, a lot of strange things have been happening. I couldn't access the website I started for the book...the publisher called and said the printer broke down - they have to wait for a part...the editor didn't assess the margins right making the words too close to the spine. - Through all of this I've stayed confident. The desire to help, to give back motivated me.
But tonight - I was going to post something entrirely different and then it hit me, are these signs that I shouldn't go through with this? Doubts are filling my head. People in my world will know the awfulness of what happened. Someone at work who I respect and who respects me heard about the book and wants to read it. I told him I'm afraid he'll judge me. He said he never will.
I'm afraid. I hope I'm doing the right thing.
The Old Fashion Way, Victorian Times.
6 months ago