Sunday, November 22, 2009

Doubting


" Trust Yourself." Benjamin Spock

These last few months, I've been really focused - strong - confident - about telling my story. I didn't start writing to put this into book form. It somehow evolved - people started telling me I need to tell...I need to tell what happened. 

I began writing in April '08. I was sitting at the computer wondering what happened to the rapist. Nothing came up when I googled his name, but someone knew him and asked me to call her. She told me things I had forgotten....things I didn't want to hear - didn't want to remember. Then strangely, I connected with the rapist's son....Other things started happening....reminders...people, the suicide of the rapist's son....my sister returning from living overseas, forcing me to listen..I felt sick. I had never told. I wrote. All hours of the day and into the night....I wrote. Everyday I ran alone in the woods, in the hills wanting to run from the memories. It felt like it was happening all over again. There were days I wanted to get in my car, close my eyes and drive. I kept writing. I met this writer. She told me 'start a blog.' I did. The blog became my voice. I wrote for me. I wrote those things I could never say out loud. Then I realized people were reading what I wrote. You guys affirmed me. You believed me. Everytime I hit post, I waited for someone to tell me they didn't believe me. You always did. 


I got stronger....Sometimes I needed to say the same things a few times - I didn't believe the words I wrote. I kept reading and rereading.....I didn't understand at the time, but doing that helped me connect to myself...to what happened. I needed to believe me. And something else...the shame that had lived inside me was starting to leave. I could look people in their eyes. I couldn't do that before.


These last two weeks, a lot of strange things have been happening. I couldn't access the website I started for the book...the publisher called and said the printer broke down - they have to wait for a part...the editor didn't assess the margins right making the words too close to the spine. - Through all of this I've stayed confident. The desire to help, to give back motivated me. 


But tonight - I was going to post something entrirely different and then it hit me, are these signs that I shouldn't go through with this? Doubts are filling my head.  People in my world will know the awfulness of what happened. Someone at work who I respect and who respects me heard about the book and wants to read it. I told him I'm afraid he'll judge me. He said he never will. 


I'm afraid. I hope I'm doing the right thing.

21 comments:

Audrinna said...

Do not stop, I let people bully me and i closed my blog over it but i have talked to my pastier he told me to stand my ground i know what the truth I WANT RUN .no matter what they say, Do not let the evil win

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

Do you think the enemy would want your book out there? It sounds like you share about the Lord in it--and tell about how even though Satan meant for bad, God will turn it into gold. Only God will get the glory from your story--and that's why the enemy doesn't want it out there.

Audrinna said...

Dont doubting your self. I believe in you. I had started my blog in aug 08 because i had to move my mother in my home,I had a hard time with her being here, had a lot of night mares

rcubes said...

When this is something to help people know about God's grace, the spiritual enemy will just try about anything to stop that purpose. But do not be afraid! The Lord is with you...Our God is not God of confusion. He is God of order and truth. Praying for your protection and may the Lord guide you with His divine wisdom. Take care sister!

Dean Corso said...

You have came this far, you will be doing what exactly Lord wants. No fear dear Sarah...not now, not ever again.

Susan said...

Feel the fear and keep going Hun. You're doing the right thing. Deep down, beyond the parts you're scared of, I believe that Still, Small Voice is affirming it.
Listen to His voice. He's the one that led you out. He is the one that is creating this miracle. He'll help work out the details too.
Still in your corner!
((((sarah))))

Just Be Real said...

Dear one these are natural fears.

From one fearful person to another, this is okay to feel this!!! Okay?

Now that being said.... Yes, you are doing the right thing!!!!

Satan is more scared than any human being. He knows his time is very short. He would love nothing more than for you to be defeated. BUT, you are not!!! Christ has defeated him! You win!

You put that book out child! You tell the world your story. Yes, there will be critics, but you have an awesome God that will see you through and you have bloggy friends here that will back you up 100%!

You are wonderfully and fearfully made!

Blessings and hugs....

Amy De Trempe said...

You need to get this book published and you are doing the right thing. I don't think you need to fear judgment and I think there is a strong possibility that you will help others. God is with you and always on your side.

Being Me said...

The truth will set you free and it's no cliche. When I started to open up to 1 person, I felt a small sense of liberation, and when I talked to a 2nd that relief grew. By hiding it within ourselves it presses us down with it's weight.. By releasing it, we no longer have to hide, we will help ourselves and possibly help others who need relief too.
BM

speck of dust said...

I've had a lot of dealing with printers over the years and hold ups and things going wrong is normal. It's unusual when it doesn't happen. I have always felt great when I see my work once it's come from the printers. X

Denise said...

Please do not doubt yourself, I truly believe in you sweetie.

Roxy said...

Seems though everyone before me had great comments for you, and I agree with them. Go with your heart, Sarah and don't allow the enemy to back you down! We're rooting for you, precious one :)

Roxy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Finally Free said...

Dear Sarah,

The enemy is the author of fear, confusion, and discouragement.

You are an amazing writer, with an amazing heart, and an amazing story to tell.

God is and an encourager and He sent all of us to help you get your book out. I think when we have resistence like this it means we are doing the right thing. You are near the finish line and just imagine all your bloggie friends standing along the road cheering for you.

Blessings and prayers for you,
Tammy

Zan said...

I believe your story needs to be out there. I am probably the only one here who doesn't believe in Satan but I do believe things can go wrong, and I do believe it's when we look at those things that have gone wrong as signs telling us we shouldn't do it, that's when we fail ourselves. You've come this far, you will go further. It may take that little bit of extra time but you will get there.
I believe in you.
xx

p.s thank you for your very sweet comment on my blog, for believing in me, for giving me courage and for being in my corner. :)

Paula said...

Like Zan I do not believe in Satan. However maybe the universe does send you signs. They may be interpreted the way you do OR they just want you to not crumble over some moody printer and messy margins...
While I am open to signs I doubt strongly that they are mostly negative. That is just how we decide to interpret them. Let go and let it happen.
Honey we all doubt once in a while - I have a masters in it -LOL - that is part of being human. Every human. Love you

Deborah Ann said...

You are doing the right thing! How many broken lives are scattered in the winds of life, never to reach the minions. People need to hear your story. If anyone dares to judge you, God will deal with them. Don't be afraid - your story will change people's lives!

Rose said...

You have to follow your heart no matter what others say! God bless you and keep you strong.

Rose

Angela said...

"I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you." Isaiah 46:4

((hugs))

prashant said...

You've come this far, you will go further. It may take that little bit of extra time but you will get there.


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Terri Tiffany said...

I'm glad to read your next post that you are doing better:) I know your book will touch many:)