Thursday, November 19, 2009

Connections


"The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers."  Deepak Chopra 

I used to hide from people - I didn't want to be seen. I didn't want to be noticed. Constantly being called stupid, worthless, garbage made me feel different.  So I hid - in the drugs, in throwing up, in cutting myself. And I hid by being alone - not letting anyone get close to me...keeping others away - afraid if they got too close they would leave anyways. Their leaving hurt - it hurt too much - so I left and kept leaving. 


I recently watched the movie, "The Proposal." At one point, Sandra Bullock said, 'she had been on her own since the age of 16 and she forgot what it felt like to be part of a family, to have people care, to belong to others, to have someone care enough to give you parts of themselves to carry in your heart.' She also said, 'she learned to be alone and it was better that way.' 


Those words pricked something in me. I've been alone since I was 13 - and before that I wondered the streets late at night...no one caring, no one even knowing I was outside...alone.

I've been on my own fighting to survive....fighting the world - trying to figure things out myself. It's been hard...having nobody there, in your corner, believing in you....wanting the best for you..teaching you tips on how to live...simple everyday things. No one taught me. No one showed me how to do stuff. I lived by my wits and I learned from the professionals who labeled me and street people who were just as broken as me, and from reading and watching movies.

It's hard to not be connected - to not have any family looking out for you - caring about you - teaching you how to live in the world - creating a safe place to fall. 


The past couple of days, a number of people told me they see me as being gentle. They said my girls are incredible - and they think I'm an amazing mom....I felt embarressed listening to them. I love my girls to the moon and back a gizzilion times. I have never wanted them to feel anything I did  - the fear, the shame - the aloneness. 


Many times I feel inadequate being a mom. I've even wondered if I'm good enough to parent my girls in the ways they need...and sometimes I wonder if they'd be better off with someone who was different...who wasn't such a fighter, and who knew more family type stuff. And I don't know if I'm gentle. I still feel like that fighter inside.

Whatever I've become....it's because of Him. He helped me. He gave me that safe place to fall. Not being connected to a family...being on the outside always looking in....not belonging anywhere...made me mad...really angry....But He touched me....Somehow His gentleness made the difference. Because of Him, I didn't want to be angry anymore. 


Connections - For me....it started with Him. Connections - you guys have been the best. In the acknowledgement section of my book, I thank you....You gave me a safe place to fall.....you allowed me to process my stuff right here and to have my voice...You encouraged me....supported me....You listened....you didn't judge....So from the heart of a fighter....I just want to say thank-you.















 


23 comments:

Just Be Real said...

What a great title and meaning to this awesome post dear Sarah! The main conduit, is indeed Him. Everything else is connected to Him. I love this and thank you so much for continuing sharing your heart. You are truly a special person! Much hugs....

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

I find gentleness to be a common denominator in those who have been through so much and are in the process of healing. Maybe it's because you understand mercy so well.

Andrea said...

Your experiences have made you a "better" mom. You my dear are a wonderful person...GOD took the pain and heartache and turned it into something more beautiful than diamonds and that something is "YOU!"

Blessings, hugs, and prayers, andrea

mile191 said...

Interesting that I heard that paragraph in the Proposal the same way you did. I was 16 when my mom abandoned me after those years of abuse. Anyhow...it does make it hard to do and accept all those things.

Great writing, and focus on Him and how He can and wants to help.

You do sound like a beautiful Mother. I am happy for your girls. Anytime a girl has a loving caring nurturing mother to stand up for them....well, anyhow. You sound beautiful. They are lucky.

Sad...you mentioned. Yep. I do feel sad. Somehow I can not allow people to love me. I don't hide it well. I am lost, and pushing my kids away. My writing...I seem to read myself trying to convince my self that I have survived and I am a good mom...but, everyday I don't seem to have enough strength to make it all the way to bedtime. I need to depend more on Him.

Hugs, glad you are writing. WRiting is a good name. It has power because you are actively doing something to heal...Me, I am hiding in my closet.

♥ mile 191

RCUBEs said...

That's what I see from most of the inmates who are addicted to substances...wondering if they grew up deprived of love...of attention...though some were seeking pleasure and found it [or so they thought] from alcohol or drugs, etc...

God found you and it is His love that changes everything...from darkness to light.From hatred to love. From rejection to being accepted. and so much more.

Glad that you are obedient to what He wants you to do. To encourage others through your writing. God bless you and protect you as you step up in obedience. Take care sister. I am staying strong...so back at you. :)

Colleen said...

I agree with JBR! Love the title. Love the idea of feeling connected, but hard for me to do. But God does make it possible, he connects us all. God bless. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

I thought I had this place to talk about things but it was taking away because no one believe me or believe in me.I understand everything your talking about

Prayer Girl said...

I would bet you are how people see you - gentle and a good mom. As you put it, HE can change people. HE has the miracle power that people lack. HE can do what we are powerless to achieve. HE has changed you.

Believe in yourself as HE believes in you. Believe in yourself as others see you. (Don't believe in your "old" messages.)

You are loved,
PG

Denise said...

You are so special, and very loved.

Susan Deborah said...

Sarah: You have an intrinsic self-worth that no circumstance and person can take away. No matter how much you feel down, lost or worthless, YOU are YOU with all the self-worth and love.

Sarah, I wish you joy and peace that passeth all understanding.

Susan

Roxy said...

You are special and a wonderful person, Sarah

This is Dreamdancer, aka Roxy. I'm moving my blog and would love for you to join me on my new blog:
http://virtualwomanofessence.blogspot.com/

Paula said...

Sarah, it is such a pleasure to get to know you exactly the way you are. IN your fight for authenticity and love. You are doing a fab job on yourself. And Mothers arent born, they are made on the way during motherhood. Love you, from fighter to fighter

Finally Free said...

Sarah,
There is a sweet gentleness in your writing. Maybe we can be a fighter and gentle at the same time. I think I am both. I am a fighter when needed and be gentle when needed.

Thanks for your encouraging comments this week. It's nice to know someone hears your struggles.

Blessings and Hugs to you,

Tammy

Being Me said...

Keep writing, there are many feelings that involve being a mother, as a person who has lived survived pain, I can identify with. Keep growing in yourself.
(I can't recall if I did inform you or not but I would like to pass to you the flower award I received in my 2nd last post)
God Bless you.
BM

Madison said...

Keep some of that fighting spirit. God will bring you to places you never dreamed possible. A double portion of favor for your trouble.

Angela said...

Beautiful post.

Whatever I've become....it's because of Him. He helped me. He gave me that safe place to fall.

amen amen amen. I so can relate to this statement.

Wylie said...

Beautiful post, and testimony of the only One who can set us free through the power of His Amazing Grace. God bless you! I hope you have a truly blessed Thanksgiving!
Joyfully,
Wylie

Dean Corso said...

With what you shared here, I'll hang on the hope.
Thank you.

Blonde Mafia said...

Hey sarah your blog really has done alot for me ive nominated you for a blogger award
check it out
http://blondemafia77.blogspot.com/2009/11/blogger-award.html

-Carrie

Carla Gade said...

Thank you for your transparency. The Lord never wastes our sorrows. He will honor your desire to honor Him in your own relationship with him and with your children. It isn't easy. Just don't listen to the thoughts of discouragement, only to the Holy Spirit teaching you how to better live your life. I wanted so desperately to raise my children better and as hard as I tried I have fallen short so many times. One time I confided in a friend when I caught myself guilting my children (always swore I would never do that!) and she reminded me that the difference for me, with Christ in me, was that I was bringing it back to him and he would help me do better the next time. He's very forgiving, you know. Yes, you do know! Praise God for His healing.

This song is awesome!

Be blessed. Come by and visit me at my blog sometime.

Anonymous said...

A friend sent me this link. It has a terrific video concerning hope when things are dark. The video is called “House of Mourning.”
http://www.inthetwinkleofani.com

prashant said...

have been through so much and are in the process of healing. Maybe it's because you understand mercy so well.


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lionmother said...

Sarah,
Thank you for making my blog one of your favorites. I am a mother of two daughters too. Being a mother is a hard and sometimes thankless job, but it seems you did it beautifully! Reading what you wrote here I can understand how you feel. I was lucky to have grown up in a family that loved me and I have been married to a man who though he doesn't really understand me, has been there most of the time when I needed him. But strength comes from accepting what has happened in your life, accepting it and moving on. You have done this and can see you have been fighting to do this.

It is so wonderful that you can express what so many people cannot and that you have so many people who reach out to you from the internet. You are walking in His light and I wish you much success in your life.