"The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers." Deepak Chopra
I used to hide from people - I didn't want to be seen. I didn't want to be noticed. Constantly being called stupid, worthless, garbage made me feel different. So I hid - in the drugs, in throwing up, in cutting myself. And I hid by being alone - not letting anyone get close to me...keeping others away - afraid if they got too close they would leave anyways. Their leaving hurt - it hurt too much - so I left and kept leaving.
I recently watched the movie, "The Proposal." At one point, Sandra Bullock said, 'she had been on her own since the age of 16 and she forgot what it felt like to be part of a family, to have people care, to belong to others, to have someone care enough to give you parts of themselves to carry in your heart.' She also said, 'she learned to be alone and it was better that way.'
Those words pricked something in me. I've been alone since I was 13 - and before that I wondered the streets late at night...no one caring, no one even knowing I was outside...alone.
I've been on my own fighting to survive....fighting the world - trying to figure things out myself. It's been hard...having nobody there, in your corner, believing in you....wanting the best for you..teaching you tips on how to live...simple everyday things. No one taught me. No one showed me how to do stuff. I lived by my wits and I learned from the professionals who labeled me and street people who were just as broken as me, and from reading and watching movies.
It's hard to not be connected - to not have any family looking out for you - caring about you - teaching you how to live in the world - creating a safe place to fall.
The past couple of days, a number of people told me they see me as being gentle. They said my girls are incredible - and they think I'm an amazing mom....I felt embarressed listening to them. I love my girls to the moon and back a gizzilion times. I have never wanted them to feel anything I did - the fear, the shame - the aloneness.
Many times I feel inadequate being a mom. I've even wondered if I'm good enough to parent my girls in the ways they need...and sometimes I wonder if they'd be better off with someone who was different...who wasn't such a fighter, and who knew more family type stuff. And I don't know if I'm gentle. I still feel like that fighter inside.
Whatever I've become....it's because of Him. He helped me. He gave me that safe place to fall. Not being connected to a family...being on the outside always looking in....not belonging anywhere...made me mad...really angry....But He touched me....Somehow His gentleness made the difference. Because of Him, I didn't want to be angry anymore.
Connections - For me....it started with Him. Connections - you guys have been the best. In the acknowledgement section of my book, I thank you....You gave me a safe place to fall.....you allowed me to process my stuff right here and to have my voice...You encouraged me....supported me....You listened....you didn't judge....So from the heart of a fighter....I just want to say thank-you.