When he was hungry....he insisted I was too. When he wanted to sleep...he forced me to lie down with him. When he felt sad or happy or scared and I didn't feel the same....he screamed that I had no feelings. Whatever he liked, whatever he wanted, whatever he needed - I had to feel the same. I had no idea who I was - what I wanted or needed or liked or didn't like. I had no identity. I became whatever he needed.
Being seen....being known has been my biggest issue. I've spent a lot of time hiding...I still struggle with being present. I feel safer alone even though I do connect easily with people. People tell me all the time I'm friendly, outgoing...fun. And they say they feel close to me. But at a certain point...I stop being present.
I'm used to reading people instead of relaxing....and just being. I can only just be for so long and then something happens inside me. There's a restlessness...and a detachment...I stop paying attention. I want to leave....get away....withdraw.....write.
When I write I can be me. Writing gives me a freedom - it makes me feel connected....it lets me be real...I can say what I want....I can say the truth. And I write in the dark...with the lights off.. The darkness helps me to feel....it helps me stay connected to me.
When I had my youngest daughter....I asked my oldest who was then five...if she was jealous of the baby. She said, 'No I'm not jealous because she is the best she is and I am the best I am.' Pretty powerful words. I've never forgotten them.
Being real...being seen. I'm still working on this...
28 comments:
Isn't it amazing that God put an intricate detail in each person He created? Like there's no other person who shares the same fingerprints that each of us do. To me, that shows how much God loves each and every one. Your words today reminds me of His love. God bless sister and may you have a wonderful day each day...
Very powerful words for a five year old indeed. Very insightful.
Thank you for sharing!
I often write in the dark too... or close my eyes when I write. And I know what you mean about reading people instead of relaxing.
Awesome post. Your awareness itself is proof that you're being real. (((hugs)))
~Suz
love this. well said. very well said, sarah. you must be a damn good mother to have a daughter that is speaking such truth! I loved your story about her yogert tube...more proof you are doing a great job! Praise God for growth! Your posts give me hope...one of my biggest fears is abusing my kids the way I was...thank you for hope.
ang
He sent you those girls didn't He??
I can totally relate to the kind of person you are referring to in the first paragraph. I ma glad that you are way above your situation.
I was zapped by your five-year old's wisdom. I am sure there was a purpose for your daughter to come by.
God bless and be strengthened.
Joy, passion and courage,
Susan
And God is working right along with you sweetie!
Profound words from you daughter!!
You are blessed to have such a wise daughter, and she is equally blessed to have you. I love you.
Children can be so wise sometimes. We can really learn a lot from them. How precious, and what a reminder. God Bless you!
You gave your child that security to be confident. That is something I did not get from my mom. I think about it often lately my childhood misgivings.. and I think I should write about it in order to get it out of my system.
I love what your daughter said, so much I have to write it down for myself. Powerful powerful words.
I tend to do that too, while in company. My partner's trying to birng me out of my detachment more and more, he sees when it happens. But it's not that easy. I can start of a conversation being all there, as in all of me is present. But then at some point it's as if someone pulls the blinds down over my eyes and I am staring at nothing and I just want to get out of there. But being aware of it, makes it easier to work with it too!
xx
Sarah, powerful, powerful! Needed to read your words today dear one. Thank you.
I'm used to reading people instead of relaxing....and just being.
I so can relate.
Being real and being seen.... in time dear one.
((((Sarah))))
Being real and being seen are essentials. Thinking of you.
~ Wendy
In our journey to discover who 'self' really is, and in analyzing what we're feeling, we sometimes miss the very gifts that God gave to us. We become so caught up in over-analyzing the 'quirks' that we believe make us so 'abnormal' that we don't recognize some of those quirks ARE the very gifts that make us so individual.
The fact that you are used to "reading people instead of relaxing" isn't as much a burden as it is a gift. God permits (and prompts) some of us to 'read' others because He needs someone to truly 'discern' who they are, what they're about, what their own hurts are and what they need. The restlessness and detachment that many people feel, is often a sign of recognizing and sensing something spiritual that we're not sure what to do with.
Writing gives those people a connection not just with the deeper portion of themselves, but allows them to draw closer to God and 'pour out of the overflow' within themselves.
Blessings to you my friend - as you discover and learn what God has truly placed inside of you.
Can relate I know very well how it is to hide, or not being present and even more so with emotional, spiritual and / or sexual intimacy. There is a point I still withdraw with might. A very hard one to deal with. I have become better however I still have a long way to go. Dear One, thanks for your message on facebook. I am still struggling with the topoic mentioned in my last post. Will be around soon. Love
I have so often felt the same way, so so many times especially when I was yonger! Writing helps me too, and I just realized this the past few months. My blog and knowing others whom have experienced similar situations as me has been my therapy!
Dear Sarah,
I'm so sorry that the horror of your experiences have left you with such a sense of tension and watchfulness. I can well imagine how toug it must be to relax when a very significant part of you is constantly standing onthat edge.. waiting for the outburst, waiting have to respond.
I very much 'get' the seeming contradiction between getting on very well with people / being warm and friendly and appearing to be very open, and yet hitting a point of terror where complete withdrawal is necessary.
It's a hard place and a fine line.
Thinking of you
x
You are such a treasure. You inspire me and I know you inspire many others.
God can use the bad for good and I surely believe that is happening in your life.
PG
I am a bit that way too, I don't understand. I have my issues. I was never like this, till I got married, what a joke! But likewise writing allows me to say stuff that I normally keep inside. Sometimes it is not pleasant but I let it out anyway. Bless you Sarah. (knew I would make a mistake forgive me, too fast with my fingers)
This was quite powerful. We all work on being real. Enjoy the journey.
Wow. God really spoke through your little girl. Keep working, you are doing a better job than you think.
Hi sweetie,
I would love for you to have the "Life" painting. It was meant for you - email me your address and I will send it to you!!
Hugs!!
maryefreeman@hotmail.com
Hi Sarah, I just tagged you, hope you will pass it on.
BM
Whoa, so much wisdom from a child! I am amazed that regardless of what you went through and are still going through, you are raising a beautiful family, and training them in the way they should go. God is surely smiling down on you!
So loved the words of your daughter!
Thank you for sharng that dear Sarah and have a wonderful day!
Margie:)
My blog has moved! Please follow me at http://juliekayiswriting.blogspot.com/
Working hard
It is always good when a person can transcend their pain and find the joy of living. Children often give us this gift. In their innocence we can remember the "why" we have joy in our lives.
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