When he was hungry....he insisted I was too. When he wanted to sleep...he forced me to lie down with him. When he felt sad or happy or scared and I didn't feel the same....he screamed that I had no feelings. Whatever he liked, whatever he wanted, whatever he needed - I had to feel the same. I had no idea who I was - what I wanted or needed or liked or didn't like. I had no identity. I became whatever he needed.
Being seen....being known has been my biggest issue. I've spent a lot of time hiding...I still struggle with being present. I feel safer alone even though I do connect easily with people. People tell me all the time I'm friendly, outgoing...fun. And they say they feel close to me. But at a certain point...I stop being present.
I'm used to reading people instead of relaxing....and just being. I can only just be for so long and then something happens inside me. There's a restlessness...and a detachment...I stop paying attention. I want to leave....get away....withdraw.....write.
When I write I can be me. Writing gives me a freedom - it makes me feel connected....it lets me be real...I can say what I want....I can say the truth. And I write in the dark...with the lights off.. The darkness helps me to feel....it helps me stay connected to me.
When I had my youngest daughter....I asked my oldest who was then five...if she was jealous of the baby. She said, 'No I'm not jealous because she is the best she is and I am the best I am.' Pretty powerful words. I've never forgotten them.
Being real...being seen. I'm still working on this...