"I simply can't build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery and death... I think... peace and tranquillity will return again." Anne FrankFaith, hope....the ingrediants to live....to survive...to move forward. I wonder why some are able to do this....and others are not. I woke up this morning...remembering a close friend who couldn't fight the darkness anymore, who let go and gave in to it. She overdosed....ended her life. And others I know live on pills....tranqualizers...popping them like candy....not wanting to think....living in a state of numb.
I don't know how I came to have hope....hope that things will work out....Maybe because I still remember when He touched me....when nothing else worked. It was instant. Lying in a hospital bed under oxygen - I felt His touch.... I sensed chains falling off. I've never touched any chemical since. I had been shooting up three and four times a day for 14 years....since I was twelve. In an instant - one touch - freed.
I still couldn't stop throwing up or cutting, but the drug addiction...the needle - gone. Without the drugs....I wasn't so sick....but I was afraid my heart would stop from the eating disorder. I was dizzy all the time....and cold even on the hottest summer days and my legs hurt with terrible muscle spasms. I wanted Him to take it away instantly like He did the drugs....but it didn't work that way. I had to fight...to struggle...I wanted to give up....to let go...to let the addiction have its way. I got mad at Him....really mad...and I got mad at me...I ripped my arms until they bled. I didn't know what else to do with the building frustration.
He waited. I didn't want to face what happened. I blamed myself....The anger and self-loathing and hatred made me lash out in ways that nearly killed me. He waited. Another friend died. Lost her battle...gave in....gave up....Still He waited.
Hope - without it there's nothing to hang onto.