Sunday, February 28, 2010

It Hurt So Bad.

To read the introduction and reviews go to www.gentlerecovery.webs.com

"Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter. Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes, and clever in their own sight." Isaiah 5:20,21

It hurt so bad. It hurt my mind. It hurt my body. It changed the way I moved in the world. I stopped being free. I needed to cover all of myself - my body, my soul - even my mind. I couldn't be seen. 

I was too scared to let anyone look in my eyes. If they did, they would see the shame, the badness, the horribleness of who I was. 

My body is bad. I can't be seen. To be seen means to be hurt: raped, punched, beaten. Being seen hurts too much. It means being forced to do what what I don't want. Hold your breath. Don't move. Then no one can see. 

It hurt so bad. In hurt my mind. It hurt my soul. I wasn't good enough. I moved in shame. I moved in apprehension knowing the slightest look, the tiniest hint of vulnerablity would result in an unwanted attack. 'Don't touch me. Don't look at me.' I feel dirty. I feel less than human. 

Beaten and shamed, I deserved what I got. That's what he said, his fist shoved in my face. I held back tears that wanted to pour out of me, but I knew if they did, they would never stop; my soul would be flooded and I would drown in their torrent. I need to fight to survive. I need to fight me, to hurt myself to stay alive. 

I have become my abuser. I need to punish myself because they are right. I am bad. So I cut into my soul and I cut into my body, trying to rip the good out, tear the bad apart, desperate to be accepted. 

I watch the red life force stain the sheets, the bed, the floor. My blood. It tells me I am still alive. I can go on fighting. The demons rage in my head, fighting for my soul while I stand on the sidelines waiting to see who the victor will be.
 

29 comments:

God Whispers In The Wind said...

Sarah, that is a powerful entry from your book! There are no words for how I feel that was done to you. You are a walking living testimony and God is using you greatly to share your pain with others a like in order to help them eventually be set free! You are a light and an inspiration of encouragement.(((((Sarah)))))

Dean Corso said...

You are unique.
Proud of you...blessed to know you and your story.
Thanks for sharing.

Beth in NC said...

So powerful ...

I want to run and rescue you. I pray you will rescue many who have been down this horrible abusive road.

God bless you,
Beth

RCUBEs said...

I know it's never easy. But so glad that you became receptive of the Savior's love and grace. You're a courageous woman! God bless you and may He bring many here who will be encouraged...Take care.

Grace said...

YES! I feel this way so much of the time!!
I need to read your book. I need to know that there is hope. I need to know that I can "live"

Secretia said...

Reading this, my abdominal muscles are tightening, but I know that many who are abused are made to blame themselves, and they are not the guilty ones.

Secretia

Terri Tiffany said...

You write very vividly and I'm sure others who are hurting as you were will see how you understand!
Pray for me in the am please. I'm meeting about an incident at work and I am concerned.

Dulce said...

oh my goodness Sarah... this is terrible as well as so well written-- It hurts, yes so much... say it used to but not any more.
Hugs

Prayer Girl said...

With every word you write God is blessing you and those who read your writing.

PG

Jennifer said...

It is amazing to see a transformation such as yours. To recognize the power of faith and hope.

WOW!

Paula said...

Your transformation becomes so very palpable with each of your post. Your are a fighter and winner. You are my inspiration to keep going, to not give up on my recovery. I love you. Paula

Journal of Healing said...

Thanks for sharing, Sarah. Very well said, capturing the true essence of shame.

Keep fighting, as you tell me, and I'm in your corner.

ang

NOS said...

Wow, that's a very powerful post. Keep hanging on, Sarah.

Wishing you well,
NOS

Margie said...

As so many have expressed, a powerful post, Sarah.

You have been through so much pain but the person you are today is a remarkable one!
Never forget that!

Denise said...

Your powerful words touch my heart, bless you for being you. I love you.

Karen said...

You are the only Bible some may ever read. Thank you for sharing your story of your pain and your healing. You are a sign and a wonder.

Lily said...

This is such a powerful excerpt. It paints such a vivid picture and makes me feel the pain your words portray. Keep writing... you are an amazing person!

jessb829 said...

very powerful post..keep it up..and always know the battle is the Lords and it is already won. so don't dwell on it, God is on you side.

www.theplace2jessbujess.blogspot.com

Lizzie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lloyd said...

May our Lord continue to use you. Praying that you will have the peace that only God can give us. God bless, Lloyd

Finally Free said...

Sarah,
This post is so real and raw...there are so many out there that are trapped in bondage. I pray that they would see the doorway to hope through your blog and writing.

Blessings,
Tammy

Average Terran said...

I would be truly honored if you gave your poetic advice on my blogs of poetry and follow them.

http://thehumanicana.blogspot.com/


http://humanicanagold.blogspot.com/

Deborah Ann said...

You have been places that many have not gone. In a way, you are shining the light for others who have been in those places. I pray that God leads you in victory, pointing the light for others to follow!

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

I know God is using you and your story to bring healing to others. You have incredible courage and faith, friend!

Marj aka Thriver said...

I know this pain and self-punishment. I'm so sorry. (((((((Sarah)))))))

Colleen said...

Hugs.

jessb829 said...

transparency is the key. do not let the devil silence you. there are many people who need to hear your story. be that encouragement for them. God bless!

Paula said...

Passing by to show some love. It felt very good to be a bit closer as long as I was in the USA I am off crossing the pond tom and want to give hugs and love. IN your corner - always

Gaia said...

I really hope you are not hurting as much as before. I hope you are healing and doing well. If a friend were to cry out like that, I would want to sit with him or her for the longest time possible and give her lots of hugs. Take care. Blessings