"I sometimes wonder whether all pleasures are not joy." C.S. Lewis.
I hate cooking. I don' t know how to throw things together to make something great. I eat simple....usually the same things everyday. I grew up not having anyone help me.....teach me....show me how to experience 'normal' eating....or even sharing mealtimes together. And I lived on the streets...runnning, hiding....eating whatever and whenever I could.
Tonight I bought one of those taco packages because the kids have been bugging me for them. I wouldn't eat it. I didn't like the smell of the taco or of the meat. But the kids went crazy....trying it all kinds of ways, grating cheese....then melting the cheese....my youngest loving the flavour of the meat...both running back and forth into the kitchen to heat up more tacos or get more toppings....squealing with laughter....chattering happily.
I ate yogurt....mixed with cereal and blueberries...watching them...fascinated with their delight. There was something about the way they handled the food....their joy....their laughter...experimenting with the different things set out on the table....it all made me feel strange.
I didn't know what that strangeness was....I thought...maybe I'm still carrying that belief I have no right to 'touch' life....or experience it in ways that bring pleasure.
"Pleasure." That's it.....living life with pleasure. I don't know how. How do I let go and enjoy an experience. All I know is how to focus on a goal....a cause....a fight....a struggle that needs to be overcome.
Pleasure....it sounds foreign....But I want it. I want to experience its freedom....and have the joy I saw in my children. I don't know if there's a step, a transition...a way to attain it...a level that I have no idea how to reach.
Pleasure....simple pleasure...joy....a new concept to me... a new goal...something I never thought of....never considered....I've been a fighter...fighting my way through life.
Letting go...trusting the process of life....I wonder if that's it....if that's what I've been afraid to do. Feeling completely safe enough to let go and simply enjoy....