Thursday, February 25, 2010


"I sometimes wonder whether all pleasures are not joy." C.S. Lewis. 

 I hate cooking. I don' t know how to throw things together to make something great. I eat simple....usually the same things everyday. I grew up not having anyone help me.....teach me how to experience 'normal' eating....or even sharing mealtimes together. And I lived on the streets...runnning, hiding....eating whatever and whenever I could. 

Tonight I bought one of those taco packages because the kids have been bugging me for them. I wouldn't eat it. I didn't like the smell of the taco or of the meat. But the kids went crazy....trying it all kinds of ways, grating cheese....then melting the youngest loving the flavour of the meat...both running back and forth into the kitchen to heat up more tacos or get more toppings....squealing with laughter....chattering happily. 

I ate yogurt....mixed with cereal and blueberries...watching them...fascinated with their delight.  There was something about the way they handled the food....their joy....their laughter...experimenting with the different things set out on the all made me feel strange. 

I didn't know what that strangeness was....I thought...maybe I'm still carrying that belief I have no right to 'touch' life....or experience it in ways that bring pleasure. 

"Pleasure." That's life with pleasure. I don't know how. How do I let go and enjoy an experience.  All I know is how to focus on a goal....a cause....a fight....a struggle that needs to be overcome. sounds foreign....But I want it. I want to experience its freedom....and have the joy I saw in my children. I don't know if there's a step, a transition...a way to attain it...a level that I have no idea how to reach. 

Pleasure....simple new concept to me... a new goal...something I never thought of....never considered....I've been a fighter...fighting my way through life.  

Letting go...trusting the process of life....I wonder if that's it....if that's what I've been afraid to do. Feeling completely safe enough to let go and simply enjoy....


Denise said...

Praying for you to be able to enjoy all life has to offer sis. I love you.

Just Be Real said...

Sweet Sarah, this post touched me.

We do share similarities and I understand the desire to receive pleasure, or better yet joy, I am right there with you in that we do need to let go and trust the process. To feel safe, as that was taken from us so long ago. Also, in my case, letting go of the shame that is so deep.

I was greatly moved by your words here dear one and I pray that the Lord will lead you into the "simple pleasures and joys" of life that you so deserve! Because You Just Do!

He has given you children where your eyes can see the potential for yourself in them. To be set free. Amen.


Dean Corso said...

I think you took the first step. You recognized a missing part your soul desires to experience.
good luck

Paula said...

I agree with above one, you took the first step. Maybe the second would be not seeing it as a goal. Maybe not fighting for that goal but letting it flow? The way your kids experienced food was not only pleasure and joy but very sensual - using all senses to experience the new treat. For me joy, pleasure, etc often is connected with my senses, with my sensuality to experience, take in and shut everything else off for this very moment. That is how it started for me...

Mary said...

Father, I ask that you help Sarah relax in you, in your love. Will you help her to find pleasure in such simple things as the food you provide for us. Help to enjoy it, knowing you have created things for our enjoyment. For her enjoyment. It is a sweet gift from you, may any unworthiness she feels be removed, for she is your beloved daughter.

You are loved!!!

Zan said...

I am eating left over tacos from last night as I read this (for lunch I may add as I'm quite a few hours ahead over here!)
I agree with paula about senses.. and even though you say you hate cooking, I wonder have you given it a go with all your senses present? Get the stuff that's appealing to you, that looks nice, that smells good and start mixing.. like a child making mud pies!
I too hated cooking, then I got some really simple cookbooks.. I looked at the colours of the food, the pictures, what appealed to me and I tired it out.
Still not all that fond of cooking but I do love trying new things now!
And ones you start playing.. the pleasure will come.


Andrea said...

Allow the little children the Lord has given you to lead the way...the innocence in their frolic in and out of the kitchen caught your eye. God's is drawing you into their adventure. How beautiful HE has prepared the way before you using the gift of your children.

Shanel said...

You absolutely can feel pleasure, joy, happiness, and peace. I know because I used to feel so bad about my life... so depressed... and through much prayer, pleading,crying, believing... God has given me joy... or as I call it SONshine.... over time it will and can happen. Be blessed and know that you deserve it.. you really do.

Mumsy said...

I agree with everyone's comment here, and that you've found pleasure just by watching your kids enjoying a simple meal together. Take care Sarah!

Margie said...

Dear Sarah
Thank you for sharing this!
Just let go and eperience the joy and pleasures of this beautful life!
I know it's right there at your fingertips!

There is much joy in your life, experince it and you will feel the blessings!

Today, I wish for you joy, much joy!

Margie :)

They call me "Deb" said...

I am instantly reminded of two verses of Scripture:

Psalms 34:8 (NIV)
Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
And ...
2 Corinthians 3:17 (NIV)
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

Go ahead. Taste, be blessed, know the Spirit of the Lord is with you, and enjoy the freedom of finding pleasure in everything!

Hugs & Prayers,

Susan Deborah said...

Strange but my recent post is on the joy of cooking. We are all unique individuals each one with a separate blueprint by the master craftsman. Reason enough to celebrate!!!

Joy always,

RCUBEs said...

May you discover "pleasure" in His perfect timing. Because as you seek him more, He loves to give the desires of His children's hearts. Blessings to you sister! I love Mexican food, too but not all the time. Not good for my heart and waist :)

Kay said...

I hope you find it. It is a battle (I believe) for everyone. finding and appreciating the little things. again, I hope you do find it, if only for a minute and then two and three... a great goal!

Dulce said...

Life itself is a pleasure, dear Sarah... as you know it all depends.. is the glass half empty or half full?
Easier said than done--

try Take a cooking course (LOL)



Pete Hoge said...

You let them be as they are so
they remember you in 20 years
as firm but loving.

They are laughing because you
have created the environment
through God's grace for them to
feel comfortable.


Lily said...

MMM Tacos!

It amazes me how much you are open to what goes on around you and how you can continue to grow from it. You are such a great example to how I want to live my life.

As for living life for pleasure.. it's hard. When you live your life for so many other things, it tends to taint your idea of what is considered joyful and free. Trusting that you are allowed to be happy is also a struggle. But you are shining through and doing an amazing job.

Journal of Healing said...

keep fighting for healing! it comes in all forms, doesn't it?


Syd said...

Letting go and trusting the process and God have helped me so much. It is nice when life begins to have flavor again. I can taste its joy and happiness most days.

Mary Moss said...

I pray you are able to enjoy all of life's simple pleasures!

I think you are blessed with your children who can model that for you.

Yes, it IS scary to "let go and let God" but it's sooo worth it (I know of what I speak as a recovering control freak!)

Peace and hugs,

Paula said...

He bloggie bud, passing by to show some love, thinking of you and wishing you are calm weekend.

Paula said...

Do you know this site:

Jennifer said...

I remember when this light bulb came on for me. The time when I realized that every second of every day doesn't have to be in survival mode. That in fact God created us to enjoy. That is a huge part of the human experience and I believe that is the attack against us, to keep us from recognizing the beauty and pleasures of everyday. When we see them, cradle them, love them, we then grow thankful toward them which creates an entirely new experience.

Are you not so utterly thankful for the life your children have?

I understand feeling this foreign place among family. It is an odd awareness.

The awareness is the key...don't you think?

Deborah Ann said...

There is joy in making a home-cooked meal, isn't there? The banter that's exchanged, during the cooking and eating. My kids love it when I cook a big meal. And I really only do it for them. When I'm home alone, a frozen dinner is just fine.

Those happy times in the kitchen will leave happy memories!

Colleen said...

I think the more you heal, the more you will feel pleasure and joy. I think we have to learn to be like children again - children who feel safe and loved. We missed that part. Hugs.

nothingprofound said...

srah-love the picture of the children playing in the rain. Just yesterday I was watching my neighbor's kids play in the snow, they were building a fort and having so much fun. We adults, all of us, can learn so much about life from children-how to let go of thought and worry and abandon ourselves to joy and pleasure. So much of my writing centers around this topic, to think less and enjoy life more. It'll take time , I'm sure, but you can do it. Habits can be changed.

Valerie Lynn said...

Hello my friend. Letting go of something you have been holding onto for so long can be a scary thing. It is a process and it will not happen over night. It will take time. But I know you can do it because you are strong and you are more than a conqueror. Once you let go and learn daily how to enjoy your life, what a freedom you will have!!! We were created to live and enjoy our lives. Live my friend and enjoy your life!! Life is to short. Live each and everyday to the fullest. I know you will.

Love you so very much.

Secretia said...

You deserve the pleasures that have comforted people forever.
Do not consider pleasure to be bad for you, it's not, even though a bad person took pleasure in abusing you.


Heckety said...

Allowing your children to be themselves and sit back and watch without interfering or controlling- that's one way of letting go, and experiencing their pleasure through them is also a way. You recognise pleasure when you see it in others, that's another way..

Marj aka Thriver said...

Pleasure, joy, comfort--I've started saying "I'm worth it and I deserve it" when it comes to these things. At first, I didn't believe it, but I just kept saying it. I think it's actually starting to sink in now. I hope the same for you.