Friday, May 7, 2010

Breaking the Cycle


"Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it."  Helen Keller

People are always telling me..... they see me as being gentle. And those at work or friends who've read my story say....they don't know how I can be gentle when all I knew was violence. Their words shock me. I've never seen myself as being gentle....I've carried so much anger...so much hatred and lived as a fighter. 

Thoughts: The cycle of abuse can be broken. What happens to us doesn't define who we are...for a long time, though....I didn't believe that. I moved in the world as if it was my fault...as if there was something wrong with me and that I caused everything that happened. 

It's true that abuse changes you...it changes who you are....it changes who you become....and it changes how you move in the world. It creates shame...shame that makes you want to hide all the time....not wanting to be seen....leaving you with the belief that you're defective and have no right to exist. 

Abuse, violence.....messes up the wires in your head. It causes you to turn on yourself...to hate what and who you are; to hurt yourself with drugs, eating disorders or self-injury. And others start having control over your life....like professionals who think they know better what you need and perverts and predators who strangely sense the abuse that happened to you and see you as prey to them too....

Fighting to take my life back...to empower myself has been long and hard. Many times I wanted to give up...let go..give in. I'm glad now I didn't. And I needed His touch to help me stay alive. Sometimes I think of where I was....the things I did....the things done to me....and for a brief moment....I want to lash out and fight again. But I won't...Instead I go running...in the woods....alone....to hear His whisper....to know that maybe all that stuff had purpose....to help even one person hang on....and never give up the fight to come back to themselves and to be all they were meant to be. 

23 comments:

Just Be Real said...

Sarah, I am so glad you did not give up either. Your words ring powerful and true. Yes, abuse does change us and can mess with our head, but as you stated it can be broken.

That is what recovery is all about. That is what we are all about.

I am hanging on to that promise every day. To one day get past the shame.

Thank you dear one for sharing and all your encouraging emails and comments to me. Very special. ((((Sarah))))

Shanel said...

you bet it had a purpose... I came from a very abusive past and it's made me so STRONG, independent, compassionate... your testimony is blessing people and every time you blog you are encouraging others to keep moving, keep trying, and letting us know that life does get better.

Charlotte said...

As I've told you before, I am so happy that you beat the odds and with God's help got your life on track. You are an inspiration to a lot of people. I love the previous story of the waitress. It is also inspiring.
Blessings,
Charlotte

Denise said...

Thanks for encouraging me.

Mary said...

Anger is understandable, expected.
Bitterness is understandable too.
But somehow, with God's workings compassion, and mercy comes.

Amazing.

Love and hugs!!!!

rcubes said...

May your words forever remind those needing to hear it that the cycle of abuse can be broken. Anything harmful done in darkness can be stopped when exposed to His light. You are inspiring! God bless you sis and Happy Mother's Day! Glory to God!

NOS said...

What a profound post. I think a lot of what you said is true-- you can break the cycle of abuse.

I also really relate to this paragraph:
"Abuse, violence.....messes up the wires in your head. It causes you to turn on yourself...to hate what and who you are; to hurt yourself with drugs, eating disorders or self-injury. And others start having control over your life....like professionals who think they know better what you need and perverts and predators who strangely sense the abuse that happened to you and see you as prey to them too...."

Wishing you well.

Patrina said...

"....and for a brief moment....I want to lash out and fight again. But I won't...Instead I go running...in the woods....alone....to hear His whisper....to know that maybe all that stuff had purpose....to help even one person hang on....and never give up the fight to come back to themselves and to be all they were meant to be."

POWERFUL STUFF!! sara... powerfull.

I also applaud RCUBS' statement "...the cycle of abuse can be broken. Anything harmful done in darkness can be stopped when exposed to His light." AMEN!! to that. I stopped the cycle in my life - my children didn't grow up with a 'healed' me - it is a lifetime process - truthfully. But I did not bring the cycle of abuse into my own family. God was, and remains my strong tower.

When abuse happens in a pastor's family - like mine - it is even harder to cling to God. But God was all I had to cling to. He was the one I ran to - My heart was preserved - created for HIM...not only did He continue to seek me in my shame and secret of haunting darkness...But He created a desire in me to also seek Him. He is the light that exposed the darkness within my soul and with light - the darkness has no choice but to flee.

God bless you, Sarah...I know He has...I see and hear the blessings that follow you- keep shining your light!! Make that DARKNESS submitt to the LIGHT of CHRIST and HIs mercy and grace and unfailing LOVE -for He is LOVE.

Beautiful song.....

Patrina <")>><
His watchman on the wall

Diane said...

A friend of mine that suffered abuse seems gentle and so kind to others. God's grace is amazing.

I think her site is Margaretmarie.com

Wanda's Wings said...

I was severely abused and have never considered myself normal. Most people tell me I have a gentle spirit. I am thankful for a God that can use you "as you are".

Elan said...

This is really powerful! Its always interesting to note the differences between the way people see us and the way we experience ourselves

TRUTH SHARER said...

Sarah:

Thanks for joining TRUTHSHARER! I hope that you will find the rays of TRUTH [The Word] shared here [from God]! May you find encouragement and remewed strength from the LORD in this place!

Choosing JOY, Stephanie

A Busy Single Mom said...

You are a very powerful witness for the Lord and a mighty woman of valor! Don't ever give up.

Journal of Healing said...

((YOU!!))

Finally Free said...

Sarah,
I can hear the chains breaking in people's hearts as they read such powerful and true words. Thanks for being you and encouraging others.

Blessings,
Tammy

Karen said...

You are such a great blessing...and people that are the biggest blessings...rarely see themselves as others do...and as God sees them, too...precious in His sight....

Prayer Girl said...

If the connection with God begins to get a little fuzzy, I can always find Him in nature. I'm sure your runs in the woods are spiritually renewing.

PG

speck of dust said...

I love how accepting you are of all your emotions, being aware of them but not allowing them to dominate your actions. That in itself can take time to learn. Especially when abused people often have self-sabotaging behaviour too. I feel I also have to fight that at times. I love your strength of faith it's infectious :)

INSIDE THE SHRINK said...

Abuse does leave an "imprint" on the brain of its victim. That imprint changes the way the brain functions, the way one thinks, feels,responds, and sees the world. The good news is, God is the great healer. He can turn what was intended for your harm and turn it into something good for you and that glorifies Him. What an awesome God we serve.

Mary said...

Happy Mother's Day sweetie!!

Colleen said...

People have often told me they sense such peace when they are with me. I would have to say it is the peace that comes from God because I do not think it comes from me. But God is good and He can do these things. Blessings to you and happy Mother's Day!

Deb said...

I want "to hear His whisper."

Because if I don't, I will give up the fight.

Happy Mother's Day!

Sweet dreams.

V said...

I agree with Deb above!
That is just too true...
If i sometimes feel withdrawn, i don't feel i can accomplish as much!!
It's funny how much God can truly just uplift your soul in so many good ways. I wish I learnt sooooooo long ago that! I wouldn't ever have cut myself and i wish i could take that all back, i abused myself... but my marks remind me everyday that there was a reason