"I've met holocaust survivor victims, through other films, and I know what survivor guilt is like." Ben KingsleyWe were at the Dairy Queen. Standing in line....waiting our turn to be served. I glanced at the family next to us. They were laughing.... having fun... trying to figure out what to order. I watched....fascinated. They were totally into being at the Dairy Queen.....excited about the food they were going to eat....and the time they were spending together....totally enjoying themselves. And then it hit me - I've been living with survivor guilt...
I've been afraid to touch life.....to let go....and relax....just enjoy life. I've never let myself experience being free...except when I'm in the woods...or goofing around with my kids.....but not in 'real' life. I've been driven...to be whatever anyone needed...twisting myself to fit what they wanted -
But standing there in that dairy queen....watching that family...it dawned on me....I always felt I had no right to survive...no right to be alive....no right to life. I was really grateful I had.....but when I thought of friends who had killed themselves or accidently overdosed......friends who couldn't make it out of the darkness....something in me....deep down inside.... always wondered why me and not them. Why did I survive and they didn't?
Survivor Guilt - it's kept me from living free....from touching life the way others do. Seeing that familiy....watching them...made me realize I don't want to be free without living free. It's time to stop asking why. I couldn't help my friends. I couldn't save them. I couldn't even help myself. It was His touch that made the difference. Without Him....I wouldn't be free. Maybe now with Him....I can learn to live that freedom.