Risk

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " Anais Nin

 Nothing has helped me more than my faith. It happened when I hit bottom...gave up....let go.. That's when everything started to turn around. I don't know how it happened exactly....but it made me believe in miracles. 

I had nowhere left to turn.....nowhere to go for help. I had done it all....the programs....the therapy.....the rehab....the hospitals.....nothing worked. Then He touched me...broke the hold of the drugs...14 years....shooting up....gone...just like that. But the other things....the eating disorder....the shame....the cutting...they were harder to let go of....

I learned....some things go because of a 'miracle.' But for most things....we got to walk through the pain in order to get out of it. I fought hard not to do that. I didn't want to hurt anymore...I didn't want to feel any more pain. I just wanted it all to stop....to be completely free. It eventually hit me....there was no other way.  

I had to trust.  I had to do the one thing I didn't think I ever could.  I had to face the truth. Look it head on....tell what happened. I had held the secrets too long...terrified if I told.....I would die. As crazy as that sounds....I believed it. I started to doubt if it had happened....if maybe I had made it up......or maybe it hadn't been that bad at all.

I knew one thing for sure.....I wanted freedom. I begged Him to help me again....I promised Him the moon...the stars...my life....
At times I wondered if He simply didn't care anymore. He helped me once...Why wouldn't He do it again. 

Sitting in front of another human being.....and telling what happened took my breathe away. The shame kicked in....I couldn't have her look at me....we talked in the pitch dark. 

When I think about it now.....I know He led me to that therapist....He used her to reach into the darkness of my world.....a place I had let no one in....a place I lived alone...with shame and fear and images of memories that tortured me and wouldn't go away. Somehow He gave me courage and in time......He turned the lights back on. 

I stopped running....stopped fighting....stopped resisting.....and told.....and kept telling....and each time I did.....He gave me more and more bits of strength to push out from the dark places.....and the freedom I wanted so badly.....started to come.  

I've learned it takes a risk to push out of the darkness. It takes courage and fight and mostly for me.....it took faith....trusting Him....to give me what I couldn't give myself....