Saturday, November 6, 2010

Risk

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " Anais Nin

 
Nothing has helped me more than my faith. It happened when I hit bottom...gave up....let go.. That's when everything started to turn around. I don't know how it happened exactly....but it made me believe in miracles. 

I had nowhere left to turn.....nowhere to go for help. I had done it all....the programs....the therapy.....the rehab....the hospitals.....nothing worked. Then He touched me...broke the hold of the drugs...14 years....shooting up....gone...just like that. But the other things....the eating disorder....the shame....the cutting...they were harder to let go of....

I learned....some things go because of a 'miracle.' But for most things....we got to walk through the pain in order to get out of it. I fought hard not to do that. I didn't want to hurt anymore...I didn't want to feel any more pain. I just wanted it all to stop....to be completely free. It eventually hit me....there was no other way.  

I had to trust.  I had to do the one thing I didn't think I ever could.  I had to face the truth. Look it head on....tell what happened. I had held the secrets too long...terrified if I told.....I would die. As crazy as that sounds....I believed it. I started to doubt if it had happened....if maybe I had made it up......or maybe it hadn't been that bad at all.

I knew one thing for sure.....I wanted freedom. I begged Him to help me again....I promised Him the moon...the stars...my life....
At times I wondered if He simply didn't care anymore. He helped me once...Why wouldn't He do it again. 

Sitting in front of another human being.....and telling what happened took my breathe away. The shame kicked in....I couldn't have her look at me....we talked in the pitch dark. 

When I think about it now.....I know He led me to that therapist....He used her to reach into the darkness of my world.....a place I had let no one in....a place I lived alone...with shame and fear and images of memories that tortured me and wouldn't go away. Somehow He gave me courage and in time......He turned the lights back on. 

I stopped running....stopped fighting....stopped resisting.....and told.....and kept telling....and each time I did.....He gave me more and more bits of strength to push out from the dark places.....and the freedom I wanted so badly.....started to come.  

I've learned it takes a risk to push out of the darkness. It takes courage and fight and mostly for me.....it took faith....trusting Him....to give me what I couldn't give myself....

22 comments:

Just Be Real said...

Sarah you are truly a miracle. An inspiration to so many. I thank God He had His hand on you dear one. That He was able to turn the light back on! You bring so much to so many hurting. I personally thank you! Blessings and hugs....

Lily said...

Couldn't have said it better. You are an inspiration to survivors everywhere. I am so thankful that God has touched your life in such an amazing way.

Judy said...

And Miracles are our right! That is a cool thing to learn. Miracles are the true natural state for people---we just can't see it. I am re-learning this via reading A Course In Miracles. Listening once again for the Voice of God/Goddess is so darn transformative!

Judy

Finding Pam said...

I have had a lot of anger issues with myself when I was a child. I wanted to lash out and hurt others like I had been hurt.

Like you I have turned that anger inside towards myself. It has taken me years to let go of the pain.

Now I am at a point where I feel I have worked past all this pain. I am worried because I don't feel the need to cry anymore.

Thanks for sharing your life with us. YOu are so inspiring to me.

I wish you had done a Peace Globe.

Love,
Pam

Epiphany said...

Great one. xx

scottmcqueen said...

Who feels it - knows it! Sober 2 year 5 months and 23 days... and saved - 2 years 5 months and 23 days. I will never be alone or in the dark again.

Sharon Kirby said...

Sarah - For someone who was in darkness at one time, you shine brighter than almost anyone I know.

Praise God for your courage and faith.

You are a witness to His saving mercy, and a testament to the strength of His power.

The Almighty God - the Light, the Life...

GOD BLESS!

NOS said...

You have something that I don't have: faith. With all of my struggles I now don't believe that a god exists. But it sounds like your faith has been essential in your recovery and I'm glad you have it as a resource.

Wishing you well,
NOS

Susan J. Reinhardt said...

Hi Sarah -

Your anguish, your pain, your heart come through loud and clear. I'm glad you spoke up and found healing.

Blessings,
Susan

Chatty Crone said...

I agree with Sharon - your once dull light now shines like the biggest star.

Isn't it the saddest thing - to not take that risk? TO stay the same and never grow.

It is a gift.

Lovingly,
sandie

Paula said...

Hugs to you. I feel everyday amazed and grateful again how much I have overcome in such a short time! It was worth each and every risk!

RCUBEs said...

What a powerful quote and the picture! And the post! And how true that it hurts more to be silent than to open up and be free! Glad you are now living in His freedom! Blessings to you sister and stay strong! :)

Julie Musil said...

Faith... It's truly a refuge.

Dulce said...

Let me just add a :-) to your words of Faith
lovely sarah!

A girl needs 2 Talk said...

And I am so grateful for Him lighting up your life. Sincerely, you give me hope and you warm my heart. :)

Finally Free said...

Sarah,
I love the quote. So true. There is something so powerful about being able to be accepted in our shame. I felt like you, too. God sent me many people who allowed me to tell all my secrets. Now, I am free to be the one others tell secrets, too. Thanks for sharing. It helps me know how important "just listening" to someone is.

Blessings,
Tammy

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

Yes, it does! You have incredible courage!

Miranda said...

Hello Sarah!

I probably never had it as hard as you did, but I get what you mean about how faith relates to freedom. A lot of times when I feel like quitting on life, just knowing that I have good God gives me enough reason to keep living and living well.

Thanks for visiting my blog and leaving a comment. :)

Crown of Beauty said...

Wow, this is powerful Nikki. He turned the lights back on...

It is always worth taking the risk.

This post so resonates within me, dear friend.

It takes a risk to push out of the darkness. Sharing your heart, sharing your pain. There are those who need to hear. Thank you for your courage.

Blessings,
Lidj

Colleen said...

Faith has made all the difference in my life. It has helped me to find healing. Great post as usual. I am sorry I am not visiting as often but you are in my prayers!

Dean Corso said...

Thanks for visiting dear Sarah.
I relate to some parts of your post...and I understand(with my heart) what they mean...

At the end those who trusted and listened will prevail.
God Bless

Siobhan said...

simply: I LIKE. I AGREE. TRUE