"One faces the future with one's past." Pearl S. Buck
Some people say.....you have to forget the past and move on. But how do you do that.....when all those things that happened made you who you are today.
Everything that happened.....everything I lived.....shaped who I've become. All those things.....made me who I am. How can I forget the things that made such a huge impact...the things that shaped me.....and made me the person I am now.
Everything I survived....all the dark stuff.....taught me to fight....and gave me a passion to want to make a difference....to show if I can overcome the things that almost broke me....anybody can.
The darkness still lives in me...as memories....as reminders....of what I lived....of where I was....names - faces - places...they're still there....in my mind. All those nights fighting sleep...terrified to close my eyes...terrified of the nightmares. And in the daytime...fearing being seen forced me to hide in ways that almost killed me.
That fight to survive became a lifestyle...a way of being...a way of moving in the world...always trying to stay one step ahead. I used to think it was just a matter of time....until it would be over. The darkness seemed so strong... stronger than me. I never realized how much I wanted to live....how much I wanted to fight back and win.
And I did win. When He teamed up with me....He took over the fight. He pushed the darkness back....one bit at a time. I'm not sure how it even happened...except somehow I started letting Him take over...and do most of the fighting. I was too tired. Some days it seemed as if I was watching on the sidelines...a bystander...hoping He would win...because I knew....if He did....then I would be declared a winner too.
Being in the winner's circle...is not something I did...it's something He did. I'm grateful and I carry that gratitude with me everywhere I go now.