Friday, December 3, 2010

Reflections

"One faces the future with one's past." Pearl S. Buck

Some people say.....you have to  forget the past and move on. But how do you do that.....when all those things that happened made you who you are today.   

Everything that happened.....everything I lived.....shaped who I've become. All those things.....made me who I am. How can I forget the things that made such a huge impact...the things that shaped me.....and made me the person I am now.

Everything I survived....all the dark stuff.....taught me to fight....and gave me a passion to want to make a difference....to show if I can overcome the things that almost broke me....anybody can. 

The darkness still lives in me...as memories....as reminders....of what I lived....of where I was....names - faces - places...they're still there....in my mind. All those nights fighting sleep...terrified to close my eyes...terrified of the  nightmares. And in the daytime...fearing being seen forced me to hide in ways that almost killed me. 

That fight to survive became a lifestyle...a way of being...a way of moving in the world...always trying to stay one step ahead. I used to think it was just a matter of time....until it would be over. The darkness seemed so strong... stronger than me. I never realized how much I wanted to live....how much I wanted to fight back and win.  

And I did win. When He teamed up with me....He took over the fight. He pushed the darkness back....one bit at a time. I'm not sure how it even happened...except somehow I started letting Him take over...and do most of the fighting. I was too tired. Some days it seemed as if I was watching on the sidelines...a bystander...hoping He would win...because I knew....if He did....then I would be declared a winner too. 

Being in the winner's circle...is not something I did...it's something He did. I'm grateful and I carry that gratitude with me everywhere I go now.

21 comments:

Mary said...

Hey sweetie, you are right, what you lived is part of who you are now. The great thing is that God has taken that incredible pain and hurt and is using it to help others - you are helping others. And he has and continues to heal those raw and painful wounds, he continues to fight for you. I also think remembering where we once were and where we are now by God's grace and love is a testimony to his unconditional grace, love and healing. Remembering is not the same thing as being stuck in the past.

much love to you!

Just_because_today said...

"We shall never forget" is the slogan for 9.11. If we forget the past, we are bound to make the same mistakes again. But the memories...it will take a while and a lot of work to be able to put them up in a shelf only retrieved when you want to retrieve them not when they assault you unexpectedly.

Crown of Beauty said...

You are so right in what you write here- some people say the past should be forgotten to enable us to move on...

But there are things that should never be forgotten - as well as things that should never be remembered. In my painful experiences, like you, there are lessons to be learned.There are, however, also things that are not worth keeping - the trash, the garbage, the words that have demeaned us, or even our faulty perceptions of a past hurtful event.

Eventually God enabled you to sift through the mire and the gore... because you are a diamond in the rough, He saw the precious gem inside the coal... the pressure and the heat is bringing that diamond out to the surface!

Truly something to be grateful for.

Love
Lidj

Just Be Real said...

Sarah dear such an inspiring post! God has given you the strength to endure and then to share in the victory! To let your voice be heard to many who come behind you! You are truly a blessings dear one. ((((Sarah))))

Paula said...

For sure we are partly our past, but we are our present as well. And the dreams, hopes, wishes and goals we carry for the future. Latter slowly but surely smoothes the past. Great mind think alike ;-)) I just recently wrote about it: Love integrated

http://versarcenciel.blogspot.com/2010/11/love-integrated.html

Hugs from this side of the pond

NOS said...

I totally agree that our pasts shape our presents and futures. They may not be identical, but where we've been creates a kind of lens through which we see the world, and then everything has an "angle."

Although the memories are often painful, I'm glad we have them. You know how they say if you don't learn about history it will repeat itself? I think it's kind of the same thing.

Wishing you well,
NOS

MTJ said...

Hi Sarah,

Like you, I recognize that I am where I am because of God's love, mercy and grace. Each of us face circumstances in our lives that help to shape the world we live in. I have learned that although my past is a factor, it will no longer be a way to imprison me; I also believe this is what I often read from your writing as well.

It is wonderful to know that I'm free! Knowing this humbles me and makes me so appreciative of the gift of life in Christ. It also makes me appreciative of you and others who sound the message of faith, hope and trust.

Many thanks my friend and know that I remember you in my prayers, thanking our Lord for your testimony. You shine as a bright light filled with compassion, humility and grace.

Blessings and peace.

MTJ

Finding Pam said...

Sarah, I would not want to change anything about my childhood because it shaped me into the person I have become.

I think there is a difference between honoring your past and holding on to painful memories that might adversly affect you.

I had to work through this for years and years. I am a survivor. While my past is different from yours, the one beneficial outcome from our pain is that we are able to relate to others through our pain.

I understand compassion, empathy, love and a forgiveness that has empowered me to live in God's Grace.

This is such a powerful post today. Never doubt what your past has done to help others in need.

Love and blessings to you.
Pam

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Through Him all things are possible.
And you're right - we wouldn't be where we are now without all that happened in the past, good or bad. We just have to learn from it, forgive, and move on.

abitosunshine said...

What an awe-inspiring post!

A girl needs 2 Talk said...

You healed me with this too. You know, I can't wait to read your story. I love who you've become. I am thankful there is a God.

Dulce said...

I completely agree with you. We cannot forget our past- we are who we are because of it...even because of those darker moments... But how much I wish I could get rid of the latter...

hugs and nice weekend, sweetest!

Donetta said...

That circle continues even when the body is so well trained it is robot too the journey. Spirit thrives though. My body actually is wired to have response that is so in congruent. Lessons...well humility and to be able to receive the compassion of my nurse when my capillaries shut down at every stick due to the PTSD. (5 sticks the last took after a clonapin and a ipod music with me singing out loud to trick the brain. Goodness they even kept it a secrete from me until the infusion was going a moment or so just so the vein would stay open..
It is amazing to the cellular level how who and what we are is formed. That does not mean HE doesn't accept broken vessel. I think it just might be that they are His favorite kind
")
Mad me real sad though. Got to let go of the idea that the reality could ever be that it is no more, finished. Not while I still breath. It is who I am. As I am. And it is good, better than if it were without him for SURE

Terri Tiffany said...

I like that we can learn from everything we go through and make us better people. God gives us that ability to take the bad and use if for Him! So glad you did!

Mya said...

Personal opinion is that you don't and should not forget. If we shoved out of our memories all unpleasant thoughts then we might just get rid of all the lessons learned.

Being Me said...

So inspiring Sarah, I want to, very much let him take over. I am so tired.
How much does he need me to do, and how much can I leave to him, I wonder that alot.

Thank you

BM

Lynda Young said...

"Being in the winner's circle...is not something I did...it's something He did." I love that line. It's difficult not to be deeply grateful for all the things God has done for us when we remember it's only through His power and love we were saved.

Chatty Crone said...

Okay the pain or memories go deep into the past, but the scars always remain. We learn ways to live with them and as we keep looking at them and treating them with care - they fade - I don't know if they will ever totally go away - but I know God lays his hands on them. And hurts because we have them.

Love,
Chatty

Sharon Kirby said...

Beautiful, Sarah.

I have things in my past, sins I am terribly sorry for. And yet, as you have said, these things in my past have shaped me into who I am today. I have remorse for these events - because they were MY sins, and they affected others - but I cannot regret some of what has come out of them. A first-ever REAL experience of God's gracious redemption for a prodigal, and a renewal of my first love and commitment to Him.

THAT is worth the past.

As always, thank you for your honest vulnerability.

GOD BLESS!

Karen said...

Looking back at the past with fear and regrets can be harmful...but looking back with HIM by our side...gives us strength to endure and go on...you are living proof of that!

Wendy said...

There's a quote I got off my Yogi tea bag one morning that I keep close by at all times - "Those who live in the past limit their future." I think this quote sums up the difference - those people who want us to forget our past think if we remember our past that means we're living in it.

As someone else said, I don't think there's anything wrong with honoring the past, learning from it, moving on. I think you run into problems when you do one of two things - you live in the past or you forget it.

And as someone else said, you need to remember to learn from it. Otherwise you'll become the true definition of insanity - that is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome.