Thursday, November 25, 2010


"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass... It's about learning how to dance in the rain." Vivian Greene

When things aren't going the way I want....something in me whispers give up. But then something stronger says...never. The fighter in me kicks in and I become determined to never give up....never give in....never let go. 

I was interviewed yesterday about hope. When asked what hope meant to me...the word fight jumped into head. I never realized how much I equated hope with fight....that fight that holds on when everything is screaming let go....

I thought of all those things I did...........signs I believed showed hopeless......shooting up...throwing up....cutting. But in that hit me....those were my attempts at fighting back....of trying to hang in.....and not lose hope. 

The more the interviewer and I talked.....the more I realized how self-harming behaviours.....and even aggression.....are signs of someone hoping that life can be different.  Hope doesn't always look happy.....with smiles....and positive words.  Sometimes it looks rough.....angry.....sad.  

Hope.....I hung on through using self-destructive behaviours. 
Hope....He helped me to let go of those behaviours one at time....transfering my grip from them to Him.'s something that pushes me to reach for what I want.... whispers don't give up's a flame flickering in the midst of darkness.
Hope....An ingredient to realizing dreams.....
Hope...for Him in my corner.....


Dolores Ayotte said...

Hope...yes, I sensed hope in your words.
"Hope is both the earliest and the most indispensable virtue inherent in the state of being alive. If life is to be sustained hope must remain, even where confidence is wounded, trust impaired." (Erik H. Erikson)

Wanda's Wings said...

Jesus is definitely my hope. There is a fight in me that will continue until my dying breath. He gave that to me.

Finding Pam said...

Sarah, I never thought of hope in the negative acts as seeking hope, but you are so right.

Wonderful post.

Happy Thanksgiving,

Crown of Beauty said...

This kind of post can only be written by someone who's been there... reaching rock bottom before looking up, in hope that someone could care enough to reach down, and help.

Yes, you are right when you say that your self-destructive behavior was your way of expressing hope - signs of someone drowning struggling to breathe.

God was there all the time... and in time revealed to you the true Source of hope...

Because He wanted you to share your story.

How beautiful your words are.

I needed to read these words today, Nikki.


rcubes said...

It's good to see the difference that hope we try to create to survive is so much different with the hope that He brings. A living hope. It changes us from deep inside to know that this is the kind that we can all look forward to because it's Him Who gave it from above. Blessings to you sister. You continue to inspire. Take care.

A girl needs 2 Talk said...

You say it just like it is. Hope is sometimes angry, sad, frustrated, but no matter what, ALWAYS persistent! God is blessing you because of all that your words do for people who read you! Happy Thanksgiving, Sarah!

p.s. thank you for my emoticons!!! Lots of love!! :)

MTJ said...

Hi Sarah,

I like how you describe hope. It may not always appear happy, or have something positive to say; there may be times when hope has no verbal words of expression at all.

Hope is the realization that this is it; no one else will do. Hope is me saying, "I'm not giving up on God...I'm depending on You, Lord, to get me over, under, around or through this circumstance."

Hope is that defining moment in my life.

Thanks for reminding me how important hope is.

Blessings and peace.


Southern Gal said...

He is the hope to the hopeless. Amazing.

Tonjia said...


A profound truth. I thank God for our vices that kept us alive and hoping until we found the help we needed to let them go and live.

I especially thank God for the drugs and the heroin that kept my little sister alive, until I had the chance to meet her, and to get to know her.

Andrea said...

HE is faithful to renew our hearts and strengthen our being when there is no other way!

Finally Free said...

This is a timely message. I have been fighting for my health for the last few weeks. Sometimes holding on to hope feels like a fight. Thanks for shining such a bright light into the darkness. I pray the light of His love touches the ones that need a tiny bit of hope to go on. :)


Dulce said...

Well that what says so much- i love it.And s glad you finally fought against the fact that that is what hope is not... as long as He is in that corner... yes threr is Hope...
Hugs Sarah dear!

Chatty Crone said...

I liked what you wrote -I didn't think about hope being negative and positive, but I guess those things you did to yourself were signs you wanted help = hope - if not you might have carried it further. Thank God you didn't.


Wonderingsoul said...

Dearest Sarah,

Hope... I'm not sure if I have any right now... but if self harming counts, then perhaps I do. I guess I'm trying to hang on in my own way.

Thank you for your kind and beautiful words on my blog.
I'd LOVE to read your book but I am scared that the hope you speak of will be too much to read about. It sound silly, I know, but I am more scared of hope being a false promise than I am of almost anything.

Your writing is so beautiful Sarah


Terri Tiffany said...

What a perfect way to describe what many people are really feeling--they are reaching out for hope that something in their lives will change--asking for help and doing that is hoping. Blessings today!

Patricia Singleton said...

I can so relate to hope meaning fight. I have that same fighter inside of me that refuses to give up. She also refuses to die. She refuses to commit suicide because then her abusers would win the battle and that is never going to happen.

The cutting, self-harming, throwing up are all about feeling in control. Feeling in control, for me, was another way to fight against the abusers and not let them win. My controlling behavior was to be a controlling person in order to feel safe in my surroundings. If I could fix you and your problems then I didn't have to look at my own garbage and I could feel safe. My drug of choice was food - overeating. With all of the healing that I have done, I still sometimes fall back into binge eating when I feel scared.

By sharing your words and your journey, you help so many other people too. By sharing your journey back to wholeness, you also are a gift to other survivors.

Lily said...

Wow. I've never thought of hope that way. You've given me something to think about in regards to my own self harm.

Sharon Kirby said...

Sarah - I loved this! I haven't really thought of hope as an emotion that FIGHTS! But, I really like that idea - and I think it's very true! Hope is the flickering flame that stays alive IN SPITE of storms or winds or waves. But sometimes it is the raging fire that consumes doubt and fear and sadness.

Sometimes hope is ROUGH - (love that!)

Hope is Him in my corner - oh Sarah, what would we do without Him?

If God is for me, who can EVER be against me?


Just_because_today said...

Funny how we dont understand the real meaning of words until something like the interviewer makes us think about it. Yes, hope is all of that and more. It is really the only thing that can sustain you in the darkest moments.
Nice post.

Deborah Ann said...

I think I know what you're saying. A good friend of mine was an alcoholic. She drank and drank because she was trying to cope with the pain. She was abused by her husband and her dad. Her counselor said "I hate to say this, but sometimes God allows the addictions...because at the time, it's the only way to cope." Later when she put her trust in God, she gave up the alcohol because God was enough. So I can honestly say...I understand...

Susan J. Reinhardt said...

Hi Sarah -

I love your definition of hope. Your line about giving up the self-destructive behaviors and transferring your grip from them to Him is an awesome picture.

Susan :)

Karen said...

This post was so profound and inspiring....just like you!

Sheila Deeth said...

That last line says it all. Beautiful.