Happy New Year

"Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right." Oprah Winfrey 

A new year....twenty-ten ending.....twenty-eleven about to begin. 

I never cared about the start of a new year...or an old one ending. It didn't matter. The one just seemed to melt into the other....Everything stayed the same...no changes....no real purpose. 

Now....I feel this excitement....and a hope for a great year. My head is swimming with things I want to try...stuff I want to accomplish.  And I have this strong hope...that maybe in some way I can make a difference for somebody....use what I lived to show that life does change and things do turn around....

Something else that's different...I have this desire to want to kick back.... laugh....and have fun. Not take life so seriously. I've always lived on the edge....on guard...waiting for the bomb to drop.

Last night my 14 year old snuggled up to me. She said something that started the two of us laughing. Everytime either of us tried to talk...we burst out laughing. And some friends came over....for five hours we talked and laughed. No one wanted to leave. And I was okay. I often feel I have to pump myself up to stay present even for an hour or two....

We're invited for breakfast to a friends.....and other friends invited us out for supper and then a party at their place.  I said yes to both even though I feel  overwhelmed. My natural instinct is to pull back...say no....not go....but this time...even though I feel uneasy just thinking about it.....I won't back out...I'll go...

The fighter in me survived the streets...rape.....drugs...an eating disorder - I can use that same fight to push past all the tough feelings.  I'll keep telling myself I can do this. 

Twenty-eleven....it's gonna be a great year! Happy New Year guys....I wish you all peace and freedom and His love.

Facing Fear

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." Dorothy Thompson

I talked to myself all morning....telling myself not to be afraid... not to worry what anyone thinks. This was the day I planned to go market my book. My daughter had made up some cards for me to give out...4X6's that had a picture of the book cover and my website. 

I dropped my daughter off at school....I was pumped...and ready. Let's do this. I drove to the first place really confident. I went in. The woman in charge was off sick. Got back in the car...losing courage. 

I started having all kinds of doubts...wondering what I was doing...and why. It was only a year ago...not even....that I didn't want anyone to know all those awful things that had happened. But things were changing. I was changing. It had never dawned on me how much He had done in my heart, in my life....how far down He had reached to pull me out. He had given me so much. I had given him nothing. I needed to show my gratitude....for what He did....for letting me live. 

I kept driving....out of the city....lost in my thoughts. I owe Him. I can do this....I need to...I need to tell. 

I stopped and walked into a sexual assault centre. I started to blurt out - I wrote this book...
The woman took me in a room, picked up my book, held it gently and then, we had a staff meeting this morning...talked about doing a fund raiser....finding women who wrote their story who would be willing to come in and share. Can I tell them about you? She took all my cards to pass out. 

I drove home...stunned. It worked. Courage....Faith....I had stepped out of my comfort zone...trusting I can make a difference...Something's shifted in me. I can make a difference....No more secrets!