I used to be afraid of my feelings. I never knew what to do with them. I would feel someone's pain.....my pain....someone's hurt....my hurt....someone's need....my need and become overwhelmed. The feelings would grab onto me and hang on....screaming to be released. I didn't know how. I had no idea. I just knew all the emotions churned inside and drove me crazy.
I tried getting rid of them.....numbing them out...throwing up...ripping my arms....shooting up....anything to not feel....anything to silence their intensity. When I couldn't quiet them....I turned on myself angry for even having them.
Growing up...it wasn't ok to express anything.....especially fear and sadness. When I started to cry....my parents shoved their fists in my face....threatening I better not cry or they would hurt me. I learned to hold everything inside. I learned to not feel....or at least that's what I thought I was doing. I think though....I just numbed everything out with all the addictions.
It's taken me a long time to learn feelings are neither right or wrong. They just are. They're there. They come and they go. I don't need to be afraid of them.
I've learned healthy ways to release them....like running in the woods. Feeling the pain in my legs grounds me...and being in nature is soothing. It's hard in the winter because I can't run....so I write instead....writing from the inside out....writing from that place where my heart speaks....where all the emotions seem to cluster.
When I need that physical release I work out with the wii or goofing around with my girls. It's not the same as being outside and running but it's better than hurting myself.
Feelings - acknowledging them...embracing them has helped me in connecting back to myself and others.
