Monday, February 15, 2010

Feelings

“Sometimes my feelings are so hot that I have to take the pen and put them out on paper to keep them from seeing me afire inside....." Mark Twain

I used to be afraid of my feelings. I never knew what to do with them. I would feel someone's pain.....my pain....someone's hurt....my hurt....someone's need....my need and become overwhelmed.  The feelings would grab onto me and hang on....screaming to be released. I didn't know how. I had no idea. I just knew all the emotions churned inside and drove me crazy.  

I tried getting rid of them.....numbing them out...throwing up...ripping my arms....shooting up....anything to not feel....anything to silence their intensity. When I couldn't quiet them....I turned on myself angry for even having them. 

Growing up...it wasn't ok to express anything.....especially fear and sadness. When I started to cry....my parents shoved their fists in my face....threatening I better not cry or they would hurt me. I learned to hold everything inside. I learned to not feel....or at least that's what I thought I was doing. I think though....I just numbed everything out with all the addictions.  

It's taken me a long time to learn feelings are neither right or wrong. They just are. They're there. They come and they go. I don't need to be afraid of them.

I've learned healthy ways to release them....like running in the woods. Feeling the pain in my legs grounds me...and being in nature is soothing.  It's hard in the winter because I can't run....so I write instead....writing  from the inside out....writing from that place where my heart speaks....where all the emotions seem to cluster. 

When I need that physical release I work out with the wii or goofing around with my girls. It's not the same as being outside and running but it's better than hurting myself. 

Feelings - acknowledging them...embracing them has helped me in connecting back to myself and others.

28 comments:

Being Me said...

I have been trying to explain this concept to ths kids, to get them to talk about what goes on in their heads.(no right or wrong) .. But that's taking some time to get through.

Very real thoughts Sarah.. keep writing.

Be strong.

BM

nancygrayce said...

I'm glad you're able to express them now! Your parents must have had many, many problems within themselves!

Wendy @ All in a Day's Thought said...

You won Thin Places on my blog today!

Woo Hoo!

Send me your address when you get a chance. Congratulations!
~ Wendy

Andrea said...

Praising GOD you have learned to embrace your feelings...the battle was the LORD and praise GOD for HIS victory in and through your life.
Hugs, andrea

Pet said...

Happy and praising God for you.
Blessings!

Ellen said...

Hi Sarah!

I read through your post.. sat quietly.. I knew what you meant. Take care. God bless you.

Ellen

IK said...

Thank you for sharing this. Currently I am struggling with emotion processing. I like your ideas of running and writing.

Audrinna said...

Thank you, as you know i have a lot of feelings

Pete Hoge said...

We learn that feelings are
temporary; and that God does
not ignore us when we think He
is being silent.

Blessings,

Pete.

RCUBEs said...

I'm glad you found writing as another outlet to express your emotions, than hurting yourself. And doing so, you encourage many out here! Blessings to you sister and have a great week!

Denise said...

Sweetie, you express yourself beautifully, love you.

Jennifer said...

Winter is tough in terms of the physical options. I also enjoy running and right now, I really miss it.

Journaling has been my BIGGEST recovery tool. Nothing compares to that private place of pen & paper.

I am really thankful when I read your work, it is hopeful and encouraging. Blessings to you.

Mumsy said...

I wasn't allowed to say anything or expressing my feelings either..I just learn to take whatever throws my way..

You have the power of words!

Grace said...

Good gosh, Sarah, right now I am FIGHTING with sssoooo many feelings...I can barely stand to be in my own skin.
I never cried in front of another person, ever..like you, I learned early on it was never a good idea to show any feelings or emotions.
You may find this a strange thing to say, since we have never met, but you are a mentor to me, of sorts. I hope to someday get to the place you stand....
Till then ~ Grace

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

It can be difficult to deal with our feelings. We all have our ways. Some healthy and some not so healthy. The big thing is being brave enough to face them and walk through life with them.

Kathy M. said...

I also find release in being in nature and in writing. It's so good to have those outlets. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

Just_because_today said...

I had a friend who didn't know how to express her feelings. I hope I helped her learn.
Keeping it inside bottled up feels like a brewing explosion. I took me a while to learn that myself.

Running does that for me too.

Just Be Real said...

Amen Sarah! Thank you dear one for continually touching the lives of many, including mine. Blessings and hugs!

Susan Deborah said...

Dear Sarah:

". . . feelings are neither right or wrong. They just are. They're there. They come and they go. I don't need to be afraid of them" -- So very true. I needed to read this today. Sarah, I am so glad that you are there forever to encourage, strengthen and motivate all of us.

God bless you for the comfort and peace that you give us through your writings. I am glad that I stop here.

Joy, courage and love always,
Susan

Deborah Ann said...

I think you have learned quite well what to do with all those feelings. I'm sure after you write about them and talk about them, it must still be difficult to live with them, but by the grace of God you will overcome your past and embrace the glorious journey ahead! You are loved!

Patricia Singleton said...

In disconnecting from my body as a child, I also disconnected from my feelings. It has taken a lot of work for me to feel safe enough to reconnect with my body and my feelings. Talking with close friends and writing is how I figure out what I am feeling today. Thanks for sharing this post.

Finally Free said...

Sarah,
I love this post....keep shining the light. You have such a gift to express what's going on inside of you and so many others.

((Sarah))

Blessings,
Tammy

Maria said...

I'm so grateful for your blog. sometimes scared to keep on reading, because I know its gonna challenge me,my attitudes, and mindset. but every time I read on, Im glad I did. so thank you for writing your emotions!

Kwana said...

Thank you for this post and for visiting and following my blog.

Heckety said...

I think you've learned something very very important that some people just never learn: 'feelings just are'. Its taken me long enough...

Paula said...

Sarah, you have expressed so well what you worked through and I am glad that you learned tools to cope.it was a rough going for me during recent therapy to be torpedoed by so many feeling, some unknown / not recognized by me. I was grateful to be guided through the first heavy weeks.I can so very much relate. Thanks for sharing. So sweet that you checked in whilst I was gone to the beach for a few days. Passed a car from Ontario and thought of YOU straight away. Love, Paula

Lisa said...

Thank you my sweet friend..your words and your comment comfort me this night like a warm blanket and hot cocoa to someone who has hypothermia... what a blessings and a true conduit of Abba's loving gentle kindness you are. Again thank you sweet soul ;=O)

Gaia said...

I struggled with my own feelings for a long time too.. I deem myself hopelss. When young I fear to express, when married I expressed and my ex did not listen. Instead I got angry with the whole world. But now I am changing hopefully for the better, so that I can teach my boy well to express himself and not keep everything to himself. I am listening ... so is God. Blessings.