Thursday, February 11, 2010

Never Give Up

"Never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never"  Winston Churchill

I've always lived on edge....fighting....never feeling safe..always wanting to hide....needing to disappear. Shame consumed me.....crippled me...made me feel less than human....hideous....ugly....unacceptable.

I learned to fight....to stay alive even though everything inside me screamed to give up...give in...die. Something in me, though, kept fighting...fighting hard...fighting to stay alive....to push back against all the brutality.

I watched friends give in to the darkness.....ending their lives....unable to fight  anymore. I lived numb...aching inside...desperate to belong....desperate to stop the cycle of pain....Nothing worked....nothing could free me from the chains that held me in their grip. Nothing except......His touch...the touch of His gentleness. He did what nothing else could....One touch of the power of His gentleness broke through the darkness....broke through the chains....He was the key that turned the lock and broke through when nothing else could even make a dent. 

My friend died....took all the pills her doctor gave her.  She couldn't fight anymore. She couldn't hang on. She was kind and gentle....but she had no peace....she lived in constant turmoil....wondering why she had to live as if she weren't alive....in torment.....her mind never quieted from the angst in her soul. 

I never knew life could be....fun....connected.....free. I want others who are where I was, to know....they can experience freedom. I learned if we hang on long enough...life changes...the bad can turn good.....But when you're fighting in the darkness....it seems like it will never change....It does...it really does. 


24 comments:

Deborah said...

Very powerful post. I'm so sorry about your friend. I love your ending to this post, the bad can turn into good. It does, it really does....I believe that totally.
xxoo
Deborah

Journal of Healing said...

:) (((hugs))) ang

Andrea said...

Praising GOD because of HIS healing touch in your life. I will just bet you can be caught, dancing like David before our Lord.
Hugs,
andrea

Mumsy said...

I'm so sorry to learn about the lost of your friend. It takes a strong soul to fight the darkness. May she rest in peace.

Paula said...

I am so very sorry about your friend.
It can be so overwhelming and a very strong person to fight this darkness as long as it is needed. I am so very glad that you are a fighter. Yes, you are such an inspiration of hope and healing. Mill of hugs

Elizabeth Bradley said...

I wrote about suicide on my blog recently, I can't believe how many people don't have compassion for those in pain. It's amazing. I am so glad that you have learned that bad can turn good.

NOS said...

I'm glad that you have found that things can change-- that's really uplifting. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I have a friend who killed herself too. It's hard to come back from something like that, but it seems you have found a way to thrive.

Wishing you well,
NOS

Margie said...

You are so inspiring, Sarah!
Your life has changed so much and you are a testimony to others who may think life will always be one of pain that it does not have to be that way.
I wish you so much joy, always!

Margie:)
P.S So sorry about your friend. May her memory always be a blessing!

Lily said...

Life can be everything you ever wanted it to be... but that darkness is so heavy. When you are there you can't feel anything else, let alone hope for the light. God's love is the only thing that keeps us going. The faith that he will guide us through. I am so sorry to hear about your friend. :(

Colleen said...

That old saying, we have to go through darkness to get to the light. That darkness is so hard. I am sorry about your friend. Hugs.

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

I'm so sorry about your friend. That's really hard. A friend of mine did too, so I understand what it's like to grieve that.

RCUBEs said...

It's really hard to see those who think that there is no other option but to end their lives. So sorry about your friend. Remain strong in the Lord's mighty power! Blessings to you sister. Have a great weekend.

Peggy said...

Blessings Sarah...Such a strong post with powerful thoughts!
Such real feelings & grief! It was so difficult for me to read since my pain is still raw...but

WOW!!! I truly am sorry about the loss of your friend and her loss in not wanting to fight the darkness and hopelessness to overcome & live... like you found the truth and the light and a reason...my words can not bring comfort. So I pray that the Holy Comforter come and cover you, bring peace and open arms to hold you.

I am so glad that you learned to fight and stay alive. Thanks for sharing a message to inspire.

Sending (((Hugs)) & a prayer! Thanks for your visit!

Just_because_today said...

it's hard to hang on as you know. Sometimes it is really hard but you are right, eventually there is that peaceful place found

Finally Free said...

Dearest Sarah,
I am so sorry that about your friend...
Your words are so powerful in this post. That quote by Winston Churchill is one of my favorites. I just want you to know that your words are giving life and hope today in ways that you can't even imagine. So very thankful that you are letting God shine His Love and Light through you today.
Thanks for encouraging me through your comments. I was barely hanging on this week physically at times. I just prayed God help me.... and He did.
Through your posts, you inspire many.

Blessings,
Tammy

Being Me said...

Powerful words Sarah, aim to be happy and free and keep inspiring others. I am so sorry for your friend.
Only with God working in our corner can we find our way sooner and easier but still we must do our part in return.
Peace of mind does not come easily neither does it stay very long. I pray for it daily, and hope to hold on to it with all the faith I have. (Therein lies the problem my faith wavers). I shall pray for others too.

BM

Audrinna said...

you have something at my blog my friend

marion said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
Lucy
http://dataentryjob-s.com

Dean Corso said...

It's a bliss to have a wonderful person like you around.
Even when it's so dark, your sincere words breaks through the thick fog.
God Bless you

Mary said...

Thank you Sarah! I know, I cannot believe you do not have snow!!!

I mailed your painting, it will be there on Wednesday!!! :)

Happy Valentine's Day sweetie!

Terri Tiffany said...

I've been there in my own dark days and Jesus does get us through if we allow him to touch us:) You are a blessing!

Patricia Singleton said...

At one time in my life I could not understand why anyone would commit suicide. For me, committing suicide meant that my abusers won. I couldn't let that happen.

Then one dark night I had a friend call me from a mountain top. He was alone and thinking about ending his life because he was in so much pain. As I talked to him, for over an hour on the phone, I began to understand. Sometimes it seems like you don't have any other options because the pain is all you can see and feel. The pain just seems to go on and on with no ending in sight. You just get so very tired that you think that you can't go on.

I am so glad that my friend reached out to me that night. After we talked, he decided to not kill himself. I had asked God to give me the right words to say to my friend because I didn't have any clue as to how to help him other than to listen as he talked. After that night, I understood the hopelessness that my friend felt. I still don't ever see suicide as an option for myself but I better understand how others might feel that way.

I am so sad for you over the loss of your friend. Allow yourself as long as it takes to grieve for that friend's loss. This is a very inspiring post. Yes, there is light at the end of the darkness and the only way out is to go through the darkness.

Lindsey said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend, especially because her problems were similar to yours. You are STRONG. You have changed and embraced life. Congratulations!
Lindsey Petersen
http://5kidswdisabilities.wordpress.com

Mary Moss said...

I'm so very sorry about your friend. I rejoice with you that you were able to hang on!

Blessings & hugs,
Mary