Merry Christmas

....when you give of yourself...you truly give." Kahil Gibran

A friend sent my girls $20 for Christmas. My ten year old held hers up and danced around the room, singing, "I'm rich." 

That afternoon, her and I hung out at the mall waiting for my 14 year old to finish working at a local charity. We strolled into a shop where they had amazing teddy bears. My dgt. looked at me. "You like them, don't you? I'm going to buy one for you."

"No." I said. "It's too expensive." 
Ignoring me she picked up a small bear and looked at the price tag. "$18. I have enough. You like it. I'm buying it for you."

"No." I told her. "It's too much money and besides....that will use up all your money."

Ignoring me, she took it to the cashier. "I want to buy this bear." The clerk smiled and said, "That's 21.50 with tax."
"Here. Let me at least pay the tax." I moved to open my wallet.
"I can get this. Put your money away." My dgt. firmly said.
As the cashier wrapped the bear, she told my dgt. the bear's name, but that she could change it if she liked. My dgt. said, "The bear's not for me." Then she turned and winked at me.

My 10 yr. old actually winked at me...and took charge...and used her full $20. plus to pay for that bear. As we left the store, she slipped her hand into mine. "I feel really happy Mom, and you have to pretend you don't know what I got you, okay?"  I bent down and kissed her head. 

Love. It heals. It removes shame and fear and feelings of being unworthy. 
Love....it reaches to a place so deep...and feels so darn good. It's not about the bear....but the love my kid has for me. At ten....I was fighting to survive, hiding in closets in dark corners of the basement and under balconies terrified to get beaten. 

At 14 my other dgt. is giving of herself...helping community outreaches and making people smile. At 14...I was living on the streets...shooting dope and throwing up....feeling I had no right to life.

I've been given so much...more than I could've ever imagined. I used to think...there was no way out of the darkness...no way the nightmare I was living could be any different. But things did change...Now I realize the darkness does lift...and the good comes...we just need to hold on...and believe....even if it seems like it'll never happen.....

I want to live my life giving back..just like my girls. I want to live my life reaching out... telling anyone who'se fighting to survive like I did.....Don't ever give up. Never give in to the darkness....never let go of hope. Things change. They really do. You guys are the best....you've helped me believe in myself. Your comments...your encouragement...your support....has helped me push past the shame...and find my voice.

And reading your posts....your struggles...your hopes....your hearts.....inspires me to live my best life. I hope I inspire too in some ways... 

Merry Christmas Guys!!!

If you want to listen to this song....you'll have to close the music on my sidebar before playing this one.