Differences

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." Judy Garland

Last night at supper....I watched my youngest dive into her food. She giggled and commented over and over how yummy it tasted. She's my kid who loves meat...is always open to trying new things....and loves to experiment with different flavors. 

My oldest sat down and 'inspected' her meal.  For her...eating is a chore.... something to finish and get through. She picked out what she didn't like and pushed it to the side. Grabbing the ketchup bottle....she squirted.... coloring everything red. 

Differences - it's fun to watch my kids. My oldest is neat...organized...and amazingly patient. Her brain is wired to ace math and figure out how to put absolutely anything together.  Sensitive and caring...she cries at the sight of a dead bird....or even at the mention of someone hurt.  She cares deeply for the environment...often driving me nuts with her constant reminders to 'recycle.' 

My youngest comes home from school....slips out of her coat...kicks off her shoes....and wherever they land....is where they stay. I find piles of clothes in front of her 'open' closet doors as if she had somehow been prevented by an unknown source from placing them inside. She typically loses cherished items soon after she recieves them.  She is passionate...dramatic....has a wicked sense of humor and tends to face life head on. 

Differences - My kids add spice to our family by being who they are. My youngest brings excitment...my oldest stablity and calm. 

Growing up....It wasn't okay to me. Constantly ridiculed...  criticized...and compared to other kids...I learned being me had no purpose...no value.  Over and over I heard I was all wrong...my thinking...my ways of doing things....even the things I liked or wanted. It's taken me a long time to figure it out...those messages were lies that kept me living as if I had no right to be...

I'm glad my girls are different. I'm thankful for who they are and how they move in the world.

Differences.....they're what make us special.   I never want my girls to compare themselves to each other or to anyone else. I never want them to feel they're not good enough.

We're still hanging out in San Fransisco. Everyone we've met has been incredibly kind to us. It's been alot of fun....but now...I want to go home.  I"m grateful....for everything I've been given...my family...more than enough creature comforts....and mostly my freedom. Freedom means everything to me....

Afraid but Going Forward

"When you were born, you cried. 
Live your life so when you die, others cry." Native Proverb 

My book, In the Eye of Deception, is at the publisher. My words, my thoughts written in the last year - all complied in a book for the world to see. 

These last few weeks, I've been running on confidence - confidence to tell, to share, to be vulnerable  - my way - to show gratitude to Him - gratitude for what He did in my life....

When I close my eyes, I see it all like a movie playing in my head - the people, the sirens, the hospitals, the prison, the streets, fighting - desperate to be free.....shoving needles in my arms - going with anyone - desperate for a fix, a high - aching to be free from the awful lonliness, the crippling shame, the terror....It never let up. - Standing on the window ledge - believing if I jumped I wouldn't die....crouched in the fire....hearing that voice tell me he knew, and I knew so burn baby burn.....Seeing that house...where the rapist held me....climbing that 6 foot high fence in the middle of winter with no shoes, or coat or warm clothes - desperate to be free.....Throwing up day after day - afraid to eat - slashing my arms, biting myself.....my only way to fight the 'professionals' who kept pushing me to be and do what I just couldn't - forcing me to take pills that made me feel like a zombie -tying me to the bed......like an animal......I hated them..I hated me -  Locked up with people who scared me, who set themselves on fire, some who were violent, others talking and screaming to no one or threatening to kill anyone who looked at them the wrong way.... 

I thought I would die in that miserable darkness. I didn't wait for it to kill me - I tried over and over to take my life....He wouldn't let me die.

He had a plan, a purpose. He reached so far down and did what nothing else could. He touched me, freed me......shattered the chains that held me tight.

Last night and this morning it hit me - I'm afraid to be known - to be known for all of who I am. I've shown people only the parts of me I think are ok - Putting a book out there with the details of my life.....all those horrible things - I'm afraid..... I'm afraid but there seems to be somthing that feels stronger than that fear - a desire to give back - to help someone else find hope and freedom. Maybe my life, the darkness I lived - can be a catalyst for someone climbing out of their hell, their misery, their darkness.

My book will be out next week. A writer friend told me to start a webpage. I had it up and running, people from my other blog and facebook were linking to it and then today....I can't access it. No one can. All that work. Maybe it's a techno glitch so if anyone wants to try to check it out.  It still needs work...

www.gentlerecovery.webs.com

 

 

Fear

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt

Fear. I hate it. Most of the time I don't even know why I am afraid.

Like these past few days. We we're getting ready to go away. I want to go. The place we picked is beautiful - it's up north in the mountains - a fun place with lakes, sports, cool shops, tons of fun. But I'm afraid to leave home. I'm driving myself crazy. Want to go - don't want to go - want to go - have to go. Kids are excited.

What's wrong with me? This happens so often. Before we went to disney last January, I agonized about going for weeks. Everyone was excited but I had this overwhelming fear. I dreaded going. We went. It was great fun.

It's weird. I think I'm afraid to leave home. Fear is just as bad as shame. It cripples and it clouds my thinking.

I'm going in spite of the fear. I'm going because I know it's a good thing and I can't disappoint my girls.

Someone once told me fear is the opposite of faith. I think that's true. When I think of fear and faith, I think of them being similiar to a positive and negative magnet. When you try to bring them together they repel each other.

I can't live in fear and faith at the same time. I am so tired of being afriad. I choose faith. Even if my stomach is filled with crazy butterflies - I choose to trust. I choose to go.