Because I Remember

"Because I remember, I despair. Because I remember I have the duty to reject despair." Eli Wiesel

I feel sad today. Really sad. Not sure why or what caused it. Maybe it's the move - the changes - the need to let go of what was familiar.

Last night we went to check out the wooded trails. They're beautiful, but they're not the same as the ones I used to run in. A guy ran up to us and excitedly pointed across the marsh. "Look." A deer stood in the distance grazing. I thought of the other woods where the deer were everywhere and only an arms length away. It doesn't matter, I tell myself. It doesn't matter. You'll discover new places.

This morning I jumped on my bike and rode until my legs hurt. On the way home, I came through a huge cemetary. I passed an old man wiping the top of a tall gravestone with a cloth. I saw sadness etched on his face. I wanted to stop and say something kind to him but I couldn't. I rode by wondering if he was still taking care of his deceased wife in the only way he could.

I passed a section of about 50 uniform gravestones. Soldiers. Who were those young men who sacrificed their lives? What were their dreams, their hopes, their desires? Were they scared as they watched their friends fall beside them knowing the next bomb could be them? Who were their families who have lived with the pain of their death?

I rarely cry. I have always forced myself to be strong. To not give in. To not fall. I learned that as a kid being humiliated and beaten and terrorized over and over and over. I fought so hard to stay alive - taking all the anger, hurt and pain out on myself. Just to stay alive. - to not buckle. Not fall.

This morning I cried.

I took the kids to see the new Pixar movie, 'Up.' These are the makers of Finding Nemo and Toystory. I needed to laugh, to feel good.

I sat in the theatre crying. Couldn't stop.

The movie was about a boy growing up,getting married, unable to have children - him and his wife holding onto a dream they never fulfilled together. And then she dies and they want to put him in a home. This isn't a kid's movie. It's too sad. Too much about the hardship of life. In the end, he allowed himself to dream new dreams.

I walked out of the theatre knowing I needed to give myself permission to let go of what was and to trust God with whatever lies in the future.

I never allowed myself to cry because I was always afraid if Idid I would fall apart. I didn't fall apart this morning. I think it's ok to cry. I think it helped me to let go and move forward.

Hope and Dignity

"I was confused. You cleared my mind. I sold my soul. You bought it back for me and held me up and gave me dignity. You gave me hope when I was at the end and turned my lies back into truth again. You even called me friend." Anne Murray

I am overwhelmed with God's love. He reached out to me and in His gentle way, freed me from the awefulness of living on the street, fighting to survive and using my body as a target for all the rage and hatred I had for the people who hurt me. I often wonder why me. Why did He touch me and let me live? I should have died like so many of the people I knew, - like my friend, Sue. One night, she turned on Anne Murray's song, Snowbird, letting it play over and over while she swallowed a ton of pills. She was dead in the morning, - the song still playing, "But now I feel such emptiness within, for the the thing I want in life's the thing I can't win. Spread your tiny wings and fly away."

Someone once told me, the best revenge is to live my life happy and successful. It's been a fight, a struggle, a war. So many times, I wanted to do what Sue had done, let go, give up, "spread my wings and fly away," but God put a fight in me, a determination to live.

All those beatings, being kidnapped and raped, the crazy, terrifying street life, the drugs, the throwing up, the incarceration in jail, confined in a psych hopsital - somehow God used all that to make me strong. He didn't let me die. He wouldn't let me go even when I begged Him to kill me. He "bought my soul back and gave me dignity." He touched me, broke the chains and set me free, when nothing else worked.

Why me? Why not Sue? I had other friends who took their lives, or accidently died from overdosing or because of being so stoned and doing something weird. I used to climb to the top of buildings and stand on the edge with my arms out not caring that I could have fallen to my death. I thought I was invincible. Other times I just wanted to dare life to let me go.

I owe Him my life. The gratitude I feel makes me want to help people like Sue, to give them hope and let them know, if I can do it, they can too. With God, nothing is impossible. I have discovered, there is no darkness so black, no valley so low, He can not redeem it for his glory.


I am alive today because of Him, because of His touch on my life.