Still....I Rise

"We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival." Winston Churchill

Maya Angelou...her words...Inspire
Her survival - overcoming rape and hatred....Gives hope.....
Her determination...to hold on...to never give up...Empowers.  
Her survival from darkness...Motivates.

Listening to her words...the calmness of her voice...with its strength and confidence..does something to me...it pushes me forward to live my best life..to make a difference in the world....to help even one person...Know Hope.....and to let freedom have its way....
 To listen to the video....you'll have to close my playlist on the sidebar. 

Nightmare

"It was a dark and stormy nightmare." Neil Gaiman

I woke up feeling it....ice cold terror. We had been at a party...somewhere in the country. I couldn't find my oldest daughter. Nobody seemed concerned. She'll show up they said. The night went on. People told me not to worry - I did.  I wandered around gripping my youngest - looking everywhere for my oldest. I couldn't find her. She had vanished. Someone asked me to take a phone call in the house. I took my youngest with me. I wouldn't let go of her. I kept telling the person on the phone I couldn't talk to them....I finally hung up and made my way back to the party. Everything had turned to ice- the ground, the handrails, the steps  - my heart. 

I used to have these dreams all the time - waking up in a panic - a cold sweat - afraid someone would hurt my girls or had taken them away. It's been a long time since I had these dreams.  

A friend of mine read my book. The night before the dream - she called...told me she hated the rapist - told me he should be charged...that he's walking free....that he's still out there. She would help me. She knows the legal system. 

She meant well. I told her I would think about it. I did. I dreamt about my oldest daughter getting hurt.

I can't charge him. Not if my girls will get hurt. Not if something will happen to them. They are worth more than him being charged. I just want to trust that God will deal with him somehow. I don't know if that sounds too airy fairy but I can't charge him. I just can't. I hope that's ok. I hope people understand. I hope they don't think less of me. I'm just afraid to go there. I'm afraid for my girls....not for me. If it was just me...then maybe, but I want to protect my girls...keep them safe - as safe as I can in a world that can be so cruel.

Because I Remember

"Because I remember, I despair. Because I remember I have the duty to reject despair." Eli Wiesel

I feel sad today. Really sad. Not sure why or what caused it. Maybe it's the move - the changes - the need to let go of what was familiar.

Last night we went to check out the wooded trails. They're beautiful, but they're not the same as the ones I used to run in. A guy ran up to us and excitedly pointed across the marsh. "Look." A deer stood in the distance grazing. I thought of the other woods where the deer were everywhere and only an arms length away. It doesn't matter, I tell myself. It doesn't matter. You'll discover new places.

This morning I jumped on my bike and rode until my legs hurt. On the way home, I came through a huge cemetary. I passed an old man wiping the top of a tall gravestone with a cloth. I saw sadness etched on his face. I wanted to stop and say something kind to him but I couldn't. I rode by wondering if he was still taking care of his deceased wife in the only way he could.

I passed a section of about 50 uniform gravestones. Soldiers. Who were those young men who sacrificed their lives? What were their dreams, their hopes, their desires? Were they scared as they watched their friends fall beside them knowing the next bomb could be them? Who were their families who have lived with the pain of their death?

I rarely cry. I have always forced myself to be strong. To not give in. To not fall. I learned that as a kid being humiliated and beaten and terrorized over and over and over. I fought so hard to stay alive - taking all the anger, hurt and pain out on myself. Just to stay alive. - to not buckle. Not fall.

This morning I cried.

I took the kids to see the new Pixar movie, 'Up.' These are the makers of Finding Nemo and Toystory. I needed to laugh, to feel good.

I sat in the theatre crying. Couldn't stop.

The movie was about a boy growing up,getting married, unable to have children - him and his wife holding onto a dream they never fulfilled together. And then she dies and they want to put him in a home. This isn't a kid's movie. It's too sad. Too much about the hardship of life. In the end, he allowed himself to dream new dreams.

I walked out of the theatre knowing I needed to give myself permission to let go of what was and to trust God with whatever lies in the future.

I never allowed myself to cry because I was always afraid if Idid I would fall apart. I didn't fall apart this morning. I think it's ok to cry. I think it helped me to let go and move forward.