Gifts From the Darkness

"Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift." Mary Oliver

I never realized until recently...where I had been...what I had lived...had left me with some pretty amazing gifts....gifts I probably wouldn't have gotten had I not danced with the darkness.

I never wanted anybody to know any of what happened. I tried to hide it...push it down....even pretend it hadn't happened at all. The shame crippled me....kept me a prisoner of the past....and tainted everything I touched with bits of that darkness. I walked around holding my breath....afraid to let go....afraid of something worse happening...living on edge....waiting.. anticipating the worse.... always on guard.

Then I wrote my story....told what happened. People started to know. The veil began to lift. The shame I had tried to mask began to slowly disolve. And then I discovered them....the gifts - gratitude...strength...faith...hope....even courage. 

Darkness taught me some things....it taught me to never give up...never let go....to face my fears....and hold onto my dreams. It taught me its wild fierceness runs out of steam. It's not forever...things change...it changes....eventually it lets go of its grip. And sometimes I wonder if it were some sort of test...to see if I was strong enough...brave enough....determined enough. 

And those times when I started to tire....feeling exhausted....and wanting to just give in...He came alongside and held me up. With Him in my corner I could hold on longer. I could fight the darkness with greater intensity.

The darkness taught me perservance.....and that holding on eventually does bring healing... freedom....and purpose. It taught me....never give up. Never give in. And maybe it wasn't just about me. Maybe it's about showing hope to someone else lost in the darkness...that they too can win the fight. The thought of that makes me even more grateful....because if I could beat the odds....anybody can.

Gifts in Life

Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echos are truly endless." Mother Theresa

I was thirteen when my friend Tommy taught me how to play chess. I got good at it very quickly. I loved figuring out strategies. I loved winning. I loved beating him.

Playing chess helped me survive on the streets. It taught me how to use my wits. It taught me how to figure out strategies that kept me alive.

At the time, Tommy fought with me to sit still, to learn the game. I wanted to be outside. I hated being still. At first I thought the game was too boring. He was a thinker. Unlike me, he wanted to sit quiet and think. Today I am grateful to Tommy's patience and how he taught me something that became a gift in my life.

I never knew when I started blogging I would connect with some amazing people. You guys are a gift. I learn from you, from your struggles, from your comments - Thank you so much for being here, for each of you being who you are.

I read your blogs and am amazed at the courage, the strength, the kindness and the perservance you all have. I've gotten to know many of you, some more than others - I find myself thinking of you guys and praying for each of you.

And you have allowed me to have my voice, to say those things I've never able to say. I always felt alone in what happened. I couldn't let anyone in to this part of my world, the ugly part, the extreme self hate, the shame.......

You have listened, encouraged me and offered support. I want you to know how grateful I am for all of you. I want you to know how much I appreciate you. I think you guys are the absolute best. I think you guys are God's gift to me.