It's strange how you can pretend something didn't happen...you can pretend so much that you really believe what you're pretending. That's what I did. I wouldn't let myself think about any of the "stuff." Not for a long time. I wanted to forget...pretend it never happened....just move forward....and never let anyone in my world find out.
I thought I had pushed it away...buried it deep...forgot....but I never did. No matter what I did....or how many things I accomplished....I walked around seeped in shame.....hiding this huge secret...afraid of people looking in my eyes....afraid of them getting too close....and haunted by terrible nightmares...
Then I started writing....blogging....week after week...month after month...writing what I could never say. I realized people were reading what I wrote...it hit me.....someone knew...someone finally knew....And it was ok. No one judged....or blamed me. Instead, they offered support....encouragement - respect. Because of that...something in me started to change. I kept writing...kept blogging....and it dawned on me...I was healing...healing from the shame and pain and fear. Sigmund was right..."to remember...to know, is to be set free."
Writing and telling what happened did something...it gave me a freedom. There are still things that I wish were different....like my need to withdraw - to be alone or to write just to feel connected to myself...but now...I think that's ok.....
I never understood why He let all those things happen....I never got why He let me struggle against them for so long. I think He waited until I was ready...and I noticed....He redeems everything...all those bad things.....for our good and to use what we survived to help someone else in their fight.....that's what I want....for Him to use what I overcame to show...if I can do it - anyone can.
I do remember.....and in remembering and telling....I am finding freedom.
