Knowing......

"Sometimes, if you lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known."     Pooh's Little Instruction Book

It's too cold to go running in the woods. Too cold to walk by the water or take the kids and go down to 'cherry hill' where the chickadees and woodpeckers fly right into your hands. 

It's too cold to stand on the hills and feel the soft breeze in my hair, or hear the sounds of the quiet and calm and nature - or to listen uninterupted for His whisper in my spirit......

It's too cold....really cold....But everything inside me yearns to be outside - in the woods, in the hills, .....listening and feeling His presence.....I miss looking up and seeing the hawks, and turkey vultures and blueherons flying with their beautiful wings outstretched - soaring as if they own the sky. I miss feeling the warmth of the sun and the gentle breeze and seeing the deer passing by....It's the place I feel free. It's where I feel safe. And it's where my heart sings..

It's too cold...really cold. There's at least four more months to go - if not five. If I close my eyes, I can imagine it and even feel as if I'm there....but it's not the same as being there - as experiencing it. 

It's cold....just like how my heart used to feel....cold..hard. Angry. Really angry and full of of hate...It was a like a shield that wouldn't let anyone in...or let anyone stay. And I wouldn't stay. But things have changed. Somehow He opened my heart....softed it and helped me stay. I have the best friends....the best family....How did that happen? 


Guys - I just had to write today. I had to put something down here because writing for me is like running in the woods - when I write - I feel free. The book giveaway is still on until late thursday night. The winner will be announced Friday. See post below this one for more info.

Hope

"The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live."  Flora Whittemore

      All day yesterday I walked around feeling lower than a snake. I couldn't shake the feeling. Came home from work and even hugs from my nine year old didn't make me feel better. 

     I felt like a crumb - a worthless crumb. I went for a walk to try to get rid of the feeling but I couldn't. I wanted to just crawl in a hole.

It was that rejection. Not winning the contest. Maybe they were right - I can't write. Maybe I got it wrong. Maybe everything I've done this last year was for nothing. Writing - praying - believing it was from God......

     But today...... Something changed - something shifted inside me. That crummy feeling lifted. I heard God - His whisper in my spirt  - I'm in this. It is my will. 

     My friend called. My writer friend. She said something wonderful happened. I asked if something she wrote was accepted for publication - or did one of her four daughters do something awesome.......

     Her voice - filled with excitement -  I told my massage therapist that you'll be speaking in October, that your story is awesome......Before I left she asked me to write down the time and address. She wants to come. She wants to hear. 

     That's your wonderful news - I asked. You bet! The strength of her words lifted me out of the crummy place. She told me my writing is amazing...my story is incredible - that it will touch lots of people and she is in my corner. 

I met her online. Three months after I started writing. She did a sample critique -  Then asked where I lived. It blew me away when she said she lived in the same city as me. She wanted to meet. I couldn't. The shame. It took me three months to finally meet her. We've become really close friends. She's a writer, a Christian, a youth worker with girls in trouble. God knew. He knew we needed each other. 

     I went to work today. Wanted to stand on a table and shout - Guys, listen. I'm not who you think I am. I have a secret. A secret I need to tell so I can be free - so others can be free. If you don't like me anymore I don't care. I can't carry the shame anymore. It wasn't my fault. 

     I work in a hospital. People trust me. They see me as fun  - together - But I'm not who they think. The fighter ....the street....still lives inside me. I want to fight for others now. I want to help them get free. To give them hope.

The words have been stuck inside me too long. The shame has crippled me. I haven't been free. 
     But something has shifted. I am going to tell. I need to tell the truth of what happened. I need to do it for me - for my girls, for others - 
I feel a strength I didn't have before. I feel a determination - a drive - a focus. It's the right thing.