Because I Remember

"Because I remember, I despair. Because I remember I have the duty to reject despair." Eli Wiesel

I feel sad today. Really sad. Not sure why or what caused it. Maybe it's the move - the changes - the need to let go of what was familiar.

Last night we went to check out the wooded trails. They're beautiful, but they're not the same as the ones I used to run in. A guy ran up to us and excitedly pointed across the marsh. "Look." A deer stood in the distance grazing. I thought of the other woods where the deer were everywhere and only an arms length away. It doesn't matter, I tell myself. It doesn't matter. You'll discover new places.

This morning I jumped on my bike and rode until my legs hurt. On the way home, I came through a huge cemetary. I passed an old man wiping the top of a tall gravestone with a cloth. I saw sadness etched on his face. I wanted to stop and say something kind to him but I couldn't. I rode by wondering if he was still taking care of his deceased wife in the only way he could.

I passed a section of about 50 uniform gravestones. Soldiers. Who were those young men who sacrificed their lives? What were their dreams, their hopes, their desires? Were they scared as they watched their friends fall beside them knowing the next bomb could be them? Who were their families who have lived with the pain of their death?

I rarely cry. I have always forced myself to be strong. To not give in. To not fall. I learned that as a kid being humiliated and beaten and terrorized over and over and over. I fought so hard to stay alive - taking all the anger, hurt and pain out on myself. Just to stay alive. - to not buckle. Not fall.

This morning I cried.

I took the kids to see the new Pixar movie, 'Up.' These are the makers of Finding Nemo and Toystory. I needed to laugh, to feel good.

I sat in the theatre crying. Couldn't stop.

The movie was about a boy growing up,getting married, unable to have children - him and his wife holding onto a dream they never fulfilled together. And then she dies and they want to put him in a home. This isn't a kid's movie. It's too sad. Too much about the hardship of life. In the end, he allowed himself to dream new dreams.

I walked out of the theatre knowing I needed to give myself permission to let go of what was and to trust God with whatever lies in the future.

I never allowed myself to cry because I was always afraid if Idid I would fall apart. I didn't fall apart this morning. I think it's ok to cry. I think it helped me to let go and move forward.