Sunday, March 21, 2010

Redemption

"A mother's love liberates."  Maya Angelou

I said good-nite to my 14 year old, closed the lights and turned to leave.
"Ma...."
"Yeah?"
"I love you Ma....I love you alot..."

Hearing her words....made me want to cry. Earlier I had been thinking....my kids need a better mom....a mom who'se freer.....who'se not got so many fears... who knows how to cook....who decorates with flair.....and goes on all the school trips....  

I wondered if my kids would be better off in a different kind of home...a home where there would be grandparents....and extended family that loved them...where their mom didn't have to retreat sometimes and hide in the dark....in her writing.....or even in the woods.

That night and the whole next day.... my daughter's words played in my head.  When I thought of them...tears welled in my eyes. I felt like a suck....a whimp....Me - the fighter....who lived wild....daring....out of control...on life's edge..

I love my girls. I really love them.  I've wanted to be to them what no one was to me. I tell them all the time I'm proud of them...that they're the best...and the best that's ever happened to me. I tell them no matter what they do....or what they believe....or what they think...I'll always be there in their corner....and love them.

I tell them they're perfect just the way they are....they don't need to change or twist themselves into being anyone other than themselves....and I tell them they can reach for the stars....whatever stars they want and they can make their dreams come true.. And I tell them everyday they shine. 

We're pretty tight. We talk about everything.....and hang out a lot together.

I think the tears aren't about my teen telling me she loves me....I think maybe it's because they're His way of showing me He loved me enough to give me these two awesome kids......for me to give them what I never got....to love them in ways I never was by my parents. I think it's Him showing me redemption.... for everything I lived...the years on the street....fighting to survive all the pain.....

My tears are because my kids and their love for me is an experession of His love to me...He loved me enough to give us to each other...Redemption for all that pain and hard stuff...

26 comments:

Finally Free said...

Beautiful post....His Love, there is nothing like it. Redemption is a wonderful word.

You are gift dear Sarah, to them, and to me. Thanks for all your words of encouragement. You always know when I need to hear one. :)

Blessings,
Tammy

Colleen said...

I think we survivors are super sensitive to how we speak to our children and how it affects them. I always told my boys the same thing. I was always careful of what I said and how I said it. Mostly, I made sure they knew I loved them, no matter what. They are grown now. Confident. Self assured. And they are devoted to family. Love makes all the difference.

Dulce said...

OUR children are everything ... YEs they are ... Lucky us we have them near and their LOVE!!!
Moving post

:-)

Margie said...

You are a wonderful mom to your girls and they are blessed to have you!
They are God's gift to you and you are God's gift to them!

I poured so much love into my chidren's lives and today I am so blessed with the love I get from them.
God is so good to me!

Lovely post, dear Sarah.

Margie :)

Epiphany said...

You need to take the words you give you girls for yourself too. Love your buddy.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Hi Sarah,

Thank you for your constant loving support. I will stay strong. I want to be like you.

Your girls are so blessed don't you ever forget that!!

"The tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Often, the Lord’s timing of His tender mercies helps us to both discern and acknowledge them." David A. Bednar

♥ ♥ ♥

Denise said...

Such a precious post sweetie, love you.

Journal of Healing said...

I am so thankful for your blog, Sarah. I will say it again...you are an inspiration and give me hope that one day I may be able to raise my own children and raise them with love and a broken cycle of abuse. You are definitely worth it. Keep fighting! Stay safe. ((YOU))

ang

Jennifer said...

"He loved me enough to give us to each other"

I don't know how to say how deeply this statement feels inside of me. He loved them enough to give them the perfect YOU...they are so fortunate to have someone WHO KNOWS to the depth you know and to have the determination that you have to LOVE.

YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL.

Lily said...

This is such a powerful statement because of all the roads you could have taken in exchange for the one you did. You could have been exactly like your parents. You could have been worse. But you chose to take the love God gave you, the love that pulled you out of the depths of sadness/terror/pain and taught you that you are worth it. You chose to give your girls that exact same love. Not many people do that. Your girls are just as lucky to have you as you to them. I am so glad for both.

Marj said...

I don't think there is anything quite like hearing your child say 'I love you'. Children are so direct and when given the space to express themselves they will, without fear. Congratulations on being such a lovable mother and all-round great person.

RCUBEs said...

If you were not fit to be their mom, they would probably have a hard time saying "I love you" in the first place. She said that because she knew how much you keep them in your hearts. You are an awesome mom, delivered by His grace. Just like me and others who needed it."He first loved us." And that is the Source of love that never runs out. Such a sweet daughter of yours. I'm glad that you have them and they have you! God bless sister and remain strong in the power of His might!

Carrie Cooper said...

Carrie @ comfortedbyGod.blogspot.com

Sarah--I love reading your posts, really! You always have a poetic way of expressing your heart that draws readers in. I often feel inadequate to raise my children in a Christian home since that was not modeled in my childhood. Its like we are breaking ground all over again. Dont you love hearing those sweet words from your kiddos?

Andrea said...

You, my dear are a BETTER mom b/c of all the things you have been through...GOD has and will continue to use those things to strengthen and use you in your children's lives and the lives of many others.
Hugs,
andrea

Karen said...

Beautiful words...from a beautiful mom...and a beautiful child of the King....

seema said...

Beautiful Sarah... absolutely Beautiful.... Your daughter's are blessed cause they have you for their mom... you are doing the best for your children... you are giving them your time, attention and abundant unconditional love... and that's something that cannot be replaced by anything in this world...
From one mom to another...:)
Love

Cheers
Seema

agnitrisha said...

dearest sara,
you are the best mother that any child can have.
you are beautiful and adorable.
with warmest affections,

Paula said...

I can repeat only what I have said before: a mother like you I have wished for. You are such a beautiful soul. Hugs across the pond

Being Me said...

Draw strength from your children's love.

We are not perfect beings, yet we gave life to perfect innocence in our children.

Blesings to you.


BM

Deborah Ann said...

Sweet Sarah...God knew exactly what He was doing when He gave you your beautiful daughters! It's not a hockey mom or a PTA mom that He picked for them, It's you! All they will ever need is your love. So many times in the store or restaurant I witness moms who are mean to their kids, I can see those hateful words cutting them like a knife.

Your love is all they'll ever need...

Just_because_today said...

why would they need somebody else? you are giving them what every child wants and deserves. You love them and are good to them, that is enough

Gaia said...

oh sarah, my sentiments exactly. That is how I feel with my boy. "He loved me enough to give us to each other ..." Blessings to you and your girl.

Mary said...

I think all good Moms have those questions once and awhile. "Am I really a good Mom"? We know our frailties, our shortcomings, so we question ourselves.

God has brought you so far, has used all your pain to make you who you are - who you are becoming. He is using your children too.

It really is a wonderful picture of His redemption.

Terri Tiffany said...

I love how you pictured this. So true! God blesses us in wonderful ways. Glad to hear from you. I am so behind in getting around to blogs now that I'm working.

Kelly L said...

I know exactly what you mean - I love love love this post - it has so much meaning to me... God is great at showing He love us.

Thank you for sharing...

Love to you
Kelly
http://www.amazingsalvation.com
http://www.ivebecomemymother.com

Just_because_today said...

it's funny that you used a lioness for your post and I wrote also about mothers and used a bear...