Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Saying Good-bye

Never forget me, because if I thought you would, I'd never leave.” A. A. Milne

It was the middle of the night. My aunt woke me up....told me my mother was dead. Then she turned and walked out of the room... left me alone....alone in the dark. I was 12 years old. One year before...my grandmother who looked out for me...died in her sleep. 

I've always struggled with good-byes. Whenever someone says good-bye....I panic. It feels like forever........finished....no more.....gone.

Good-bye triggers feelings of being alone....lost....left.  Good-bye sounds so final....end of story.

Life changed after my mother died. Everyone left....left me and my sister alone...alone with him. And then my sister left....and I really was alone. 

Saying good-bye is hard. When I say goodbye or when someone says it to me....I feel like it's a death....a huge loss....even when it's someone who'se not so important to me. I don't ever say good-bye to my kids. I'm afraid if I do....I'll never see them again....something awful will happen.

Good-bye hurts...it scares me....Even to let go of what I don't want..of anything that's familiar...But life is a series of goodbyes....of constant letting go...To hold on....to never let go doesn't allow other things..good things to come in. 

In my head...I'm afraid...afraid to say goodbye...afraid to let go...but there's something I need to say goodbye to.  I feel it. I know it. But I'm still afraid. So today...I'm going to practice letting go...to not being afraid to trust....to believe that in letting go....in saying goodbye...something better will come...

33 comments:

Denise said...

Praying for you to succeed at this my precious friend, love you.

Dulce said...

Oh honey!

Let my tears go down a bit...before-

oh my dear 'LINDA' Sarah... you've been through so much in this life... I can only see there must be a good reason for it
Oh yes...
GOD has issues...
that is, YOU ARE such a STRONG PERSOn... After all... Here you are darling telling all this with such an open loving heart.
<<i am so glad I've met you. You help me, make me feel a stronger, and better person every time I read you!

Lots of love!
xoxxoxo

Marj aka Thriver said...

I can see why you'd have a hard time with"goodbyes." The way your aunt told you of your mothers' death was so cold. I'm so sorry. I'll be thinking of you while you're working on letting go. It's a tough one I think all of us humans struggle with our whole lives. (((((((Sarah)))))) safe hugs.

IK said...

What painful losses you have had to endure in your youth! Feelings of being left behind can hurt so badly. Take care! *hugs* <3

flying eagle woman said...

blessings and hugs to you in this leg of your journey to healing...
Shawna

nancygrayce said...

I have a really hard time with goodbyes too! You've come through soooo much!

seema said...

I wish you good luck with your resolution dear sarah... Letting go is not easy, but once you let go, you feel free.... you are no longer tied down by your own threads.... It's something one has to learn to do... to experience peace with oneself.... I wish you All the very best.... for this and for everything else that you struggle with.... and everything you desire to accomplish...

Cheers Always
Seema

Journal of Healing said...

This really tore at my heart, my friend. I can relate to the fear of goodbye, and for me, i find myself even fighting against ending time with friends or safe family for fear that we may not get together again. ...an issue i've been working on.

hang in there, friend.

ang

Karen said...

Praying for continued strength and courage...you are not alone in this....

Andrea said...

Well, my dear, you can say good bye, but I am not going anywhere...but you can practice on me.
Hugs, andrea

Catherine said...

I can't believe all of this has happened to you. Thank you for sharing some of your story.

Love, Catherine

Finally Free said...

Sarah,
That was a powerful post....I am so sorry for how you were told. I can't imagine being told that about my mother. She is still here and getting older. I think about it, too. Letting go is not easy when you love someone.

I can't even imagine what it must of felt like to be told and left alone like that with no comfort.
(((Sarah))))

I know what you say is true about life.... letting go of things and people. But it is still hard.

This post is bringing up missing Dr. T. I am still letting go. I am having a hard time at the moment believing I will ever meet someone as special to me as him, but I'm trying to move on the best I can.

Thanks for sharing this sweetie. It helps for me to talk about it, too.

Blessings,
Tammy

LisaC said...

Your strength shows through your fear. It is amazing and I will pray for your continued growth, courage, peace and recovery.

I always try to think of "goodbye" as I'll see you soon...and sometimes when it feels so final, I think of "I'll see you in a better place."

Take care and be kind to yourself.

RCUBEs said...

I can't imagine what you had to go through from the past that saying "goodbye" is hard now. Like what you always tell me, "be strong"...[[[sister]]]]

Pete Hoge said...

thank you for having the courage
to say yes to God....and letting
others know its OK to do that.

Pete.

Kelly L said...

strong post - thank you for being so open

Love to you
kelly

Paula said...

For long I struggled to see an even more so to accept that there can be two very strong feelings exist at teh same time. Yout strength and your fear happen at teh same time. You have come such a logn way because of this, days were the fear won over strength, and even more so many, many days where your strength succeeded over ALL. Toay again is one of those days. You show me every day what I hace been told in my Trauma Therapy: all the tools to make it work we do carry inside us. Love you lots. let go and see.

Beth in NC said...

What a cruel way to tell a child her mother had died. No comfort, no reassurance ... then being left with your tormentor. I have no words. I just want to hold that little child and rescue her.

I pray for complete healing in your mind, soul, and spirit. Something better is coming.

(((hugs)))
Beth

Proverbs 27:19 said...

Goodbye does sound daunting. My mother-in-law never says goodbye or even bye for that matter. She simply says, "See ya later" or "I'll talk to you later."

smooches,
Larie

Heckety said...

You've had too many good-byes for sure, its no wonder the words are too overwhelming for you.
I never say good-bye to my children either, never have, and I really try not to use it at all because of the conatations. All the years I worked overseas good-bye was the worst word.

Rhonda said...

Good-byes are extremely difficult for me as well. They are so final. I know that you will make it through this next step in your recovery because you are a very strong individual. I'll be thinking of you today. Good luck!

Margie said...

Dear Sarah
I can understand why "good bye's are so hard for you.
I have you in my good thoughts.
I hope you find all you are seeking for, it shall happen as you are strong in faith and heart!

Margie
x

Wanda's Wings said...

I do so understand.

Wonderingsoul said...

Such a brave post Sarah.
You are such an incredibly courageous person. I hear it all the time from you and I just don't know how you do it.

I'm so sorry for the terrible losses you suffered. More than that, for the absolute lack of comfort and care you received.

Wish I could have been there with you.

x

Marj said...

Sadly, I understand what you mean with the series of goodbyes.

Stay strong.

Lily said...

Goodbyes are so hard to understand when you have been denied the chance to give them. I am so sorry to hear this was the case with your mom, but you can take that and keep it from happening with your kids! The words don't mean anything other than the acknowledgement of them leaving. With that acknowledgement also comes the desire for their return. Goodbyes are almost always given for those we want to return. Your strength astounds me!

Jingle said...

true,
beautiful writing!
my boys used to resist goodbye when sent to daycare...
Happy Friday!

Valerie Lynn said...

My sweet Sarah, in each writing I can feel you getting stronger and stronger. I know in my heart there will come a day when you finally let go and you will be absolutely, positively free. I am anxiously waiting for the post in which you shout out, "I AM FREE! I AM FREE! THANK YOU LORD I AM FREE!!!!"

Susan Deborah said...

Dear Sarah:

Be blessed.

'True goodbyes are the ones never said or explained.'
(Anonymous)

Be of good cheer and strong.

Joy always,
Susan

Deborah Ann said...

{{{Sarah}}} I'm so sorry for what you had to go through! I think this post has touched me the deepest. You sweet, sweet girl. Wish I could hug you and shower you with gifts. But since I can't physically do that, I'll just have to leave that to God. He loves you so much!!! And so do I...

agnitrisha said...

dear sara,
you are a very brave lady. once you hold on to God from soul "letting go" becomes really easy.
you have faced too much, more than your share, God trusts you very much, thats why she has put you through so many tests.

Colleen said...

I am not good at saying goodbye, Not good at all. Like you said, I think it is that letting go. Hugs.

Just_because_today said...

you are such a survivor. I never have any words to say when I read your posts. For someone to endure so much and yet be a good mother and a good person, it's amazing