Sunday, July 4, 2010

Changes

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.  Anatole France

In so many ways....I have become free. The shame and fear mostly gone....blogging has given me a voice...a voice that was heard and affirmed by you guys. Your constant affirmations have given me something so huge....it's made me feel like I don't need to hide as much.  My biggest fear has always been being known.....being seen. I  know I'm not quite where I should be...but I'm not where I was. I want to be free not to worry about being seen.....especially when someone knows my past...what happened....how far down I had fallen and what I did to survive..
I held onto the secrets too long and allowed the shame to cripple me. I'm accepting more and more that I'm not what happened to me.....but I know it has shaped who I have become and how I see things.  

I never what to take anyone's dignity away from them. I never want to reduce anyone to feeling less than human like those professionals who did that to me....who medicalized my response to being beaten and raped. When I didn't cooperate with what they said I 'should' do, they took it as a message that I didn't want help. And they labeled me and saw the destructive behaviour as my being unwillingly to be free. 

I've learned that cutting, eating disorders and the needle were only symptoms of what was going on inside...and they were also my way of surviving what happened.

I want to keep moving forward...reaching for life....learning to live it fully. I still struggle to let myself enjoy life....to touch and feel and experience the good without feeling guilty or believing I don't have the right. I've come this far...I'm determined to climb higher....I want my life to shine with hope that nothing is impossible to overcome.

29 comments:

Finding Pam said...

Sarah, I think your life is a shining example and you should be very proud of where you came from to where you are now.

I just made the connection between you and your pen name. You are very talented. Keep inspiring all of us.

Grace said...

AMEN! You are an inspiration!!!

Catherine said...

Sarah, thanks for sharing this. It was really something I needed to hear today.

Love, Catherine

NOS said...

I'm glad blogging has given you a voice and is helpful for you. For what it's worth, I know I love reading what you have to say. I really enjoy listening to you.

And there is nothing to be ashamed of in your story. You are an inspiration (not to mention incredibly strong) to have come as far as you have in life. I think you're in the process of climbing higher. You're doing it.

Wishing you well (and happy 4th!),
NOS

Dulce said...

This is superb. I love changes They are always there for some rason ... usually for the better. We decide, though with His help...
;)

MTJ said...

Hi Sarah,

You continue to share your life in a way that touches others.

May each of us shine with that same hope.

Blessings.

MTJ

Terri Tiffany said...

I think it has been awesome seeing your forward motion! How's it going with others around you knowing?

Denise said...

Keep climbing sweetie, love you.

RCUBEs said...

And what courage you had shown to get out of your comfort zone and be used by Him! Take care sister and God bless.

Patrina's Pencil said...

one step at a time! Sarah...
Blogging does give you a voice! It has given me a voice too. Welcome home, dear. We're community here. WE care. I'm leaving the light on for you...visit anytime!

Blessings
Patrina <"))>><

Just Be Real said...

Precious one you continue to inspire me. Seems I am always reading your posts right at the right time when I need them the most!! This one is no different. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued encouragement. ((((Sarah))))

Barbara said...

I love your honest and your openness about where you have been and the journey. You are to be admired for your strength and for how you are using it to help others.

Thank you so much for visiting with me at my blog...I have enjoyed the chance to visit you. I shall return. You have found a wonderful tool...not only to help others but to strengthen yourself in His way as well.

Karen said...

Amen! Keep on climbing and shining that light...we are too near the top to slow down now...and too many are still in darkness...searching for the Light...

Your testimonies always bless me!

Deborah Ann said...

I have goosebumps! I can't begin to tell you how much this spoke to me. Every word could have been written by me. Especially "To experience the good without feeling guilty or believing I don't have the right."

You are beautiful Sarah...

Grace on the Narrow Path said...

I too admire your strength to carry on. May God continue to bless you.
Thank you for following Grace on the Narrow Path. I have deleted my old blog Seeking Grace due to problems with blogger.
Blessings to you my friend and thank you for sharing your story.
Bren

Wonderingsoul said...

Dear Sarah,

I can understand when you say you still struggle with feeling like you deserve the good... I get that guilt and I haven't had to contend with the terrors that you have.
You are an inspiration.
Keep going.
You deserve to be able to live without having to battle every step of the way. You have the right to be happy, the right to feel true joy, the right to love and be loved, the right to feel worthy of the love of others, the right to be respected and admired for your courage.

You have the right to use the voice you have found in whatever way you want.
You have the right to write for yourself, not just for others.

xxxxx

Wanda said...

I can relate to what you've written in many ways. As we continue to lean on Christ, we are to walk in greater levels of freedom.

Gabriela Abalo said...

I'm very touched by your blog, so many emotions... heart and soul talking, screaming, touching, inspiring...

Thanks for coming to my blog and therefore leading me to yours.

loveNlight
Gabi

Mary said...

and how you shine honey!!! :)
you are an inspiration to us.
and God will help you overcome anything He wants you to!!!

Love you!!

Paula said...

The sky is the limit :-) Love your words and you truly shine after the way you have come... so far have come. Love to you

Nicole said...

I am so happy for you! Keep blogging, you're doing great!

Just_because_today said...

do you know how much hope you give just by reading how much you have overcome? A gift no one can repay you

Deb said...

You have a beautiful voice.

And a wonderful, everlasting hope.

With Him all things are possible.

Sweet dreams.

Colleen said...

Your life IS shining!

Pet said...

Amen!

Lily said...

I want so much to have the same things you have listed in your last paragraph. But I am stuck in the middle, trying to work through my symptoms. It is a hard and painful place to be, but knowing there is peace on the other side is enough to keep me going. Bless you, dear friend!

Marj aka Thriver said...

I see you moving forward so, so much, Sarah. I can relate to what you said about abusers who reduce you to something less than human. Maybe that's why it takes us a while. First, just to learn how to be human...and then to find out who we really are and who and what and where we want to be...then we have to work to get there.

But, we ARE making it! :) This is so weird! Colleen just wrote about changes and freedom, too. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told her: I hope you submit this to the "Freedom" themed blog carnival for July (if you haven't already). Thank you for this wonderful, personal sharing.

((((((((((Sarah))))))))))

Wanda's Wings said...

You continue to give me hope. I see so much strength in you and it is a beautiful thing.

Marj aka Thriver said...

I'm so glad you let us use this for the blog carnival, Sarah. It's a great post! Thank you.