The small window didn't provide much to look at. I could see only the corner of another building that intersected with the one where I was held. It blocked most of the view to the gardens but I could still see the open sky and the white clouds hanging like soft beckoning pillows. Every once in a while a pigeon or two flew by, dipping in the cracks of the infrastructure and sometimes, even stopping to perch on the window ledge. Their liberty to come and go wherever they liked teased me and deepened my longing for freedom.
I discovered if I stared long and hard at the sky....without moving or even blinking, I could feel it's energy pouring its life into me....and drawing me up and away from the dismal nightmare that I had been thrown into. Keeping my eyes fixed upward, I imagined myself blending in with the vast expanse of the open sky...flying up and away from the darkness with all its misery and frightening screams and strange people with bizarre behaviours and staff that enforced rules that made no sense to me.
Being trapped is the worst feeling ever.....not being able to come and go as you like....having someone else dictate what you can and cannot do....even when to eat or sleep or shower. But living physically free without having freedom is not much better.
Like that caged bird....I yearned and ached for freedom. Yet when I got it....I still wasn't free. And even after He touched me....freed me from the drug addiction - still....I wasn't free. Someone said freedom comes with a price. I think that's true. I learned I had to give up.....let go....surrender....to be truly free.
I'm free now to chose what I want....in life and from life...but it's a funny thing about freedom - now that I'm free...what I want....is to do what He wants...what He says....to follow His lead....
I struggled so hard to be my own person.....using my body as the battlefield....falling so far down....into some awfully dark places....making myself sick from a deep ache inside wanting to be free. And yet now I've discovered...there is freedom in not being totally free.
19 comments:
A very poignant post. I can really relate to what you were saying about being a caged bird-- goodness, how often have I felt that in my life. But I'm glad you have found your freedom, even if you are not totally free. What is most important is that you are happy with where you are.
Wishing you well,
NOS
Nikki,
To me, freedom...is more like surrendering to the truth. In essence, it is finding the real truth about ourselves that helps set us free. It's realizing and acknowledging what makes us tick.
I liken freedom to the removal of the barriers that imprison us. There are all kinds of walls, whether physical or imaginary, that we need to break down in order to find our true selves and to experience the freedom that we all seek.
It is truly a life long journey and often times personal battle but as you so aptly pointed out, "there is freedom in not being totally free" because we would not want to be alone in our struggles. This is why He is there.
Take care, Nikki
So true! How born again inmates are enjoying the newly-found freedom in Jesus despite being locked up! While there are so many walking out in the streets and haven't been free! "It is for freedom that Christ died for us..." Glory be to God!
I had recollection of what you had to endure while reading this post [after reading your book]...And I'm just so glad that you are following His lead. God bless you sister and "stay strong!" :)
Hello Sarah,
I enjoyed reading this post, particularly:
"Being trapped is the worst feeling ever.....But living physically free without having freedom is not much better."
I too believe freedom comes at a price but I'll choose freedom over slavery (emotional, physical and spiritual) everytime.
MTJ
How very beautiful. Loved this post.
PG
This post is wonderful. Sarah, you are such an amazing person. I am speechless.
It's so fab that you mention with God it's the only way to be free... and I also think in many ways we cage ourselves in life, like by being scared to form relationships like myself!!
I feel you were ON POINT - FABULOUS POST gal!!
Amen, such precious truth here sis, love you.
So very powerful. There is freedom in not being totally free, something I cna relate to, it create a deeper power to go on, to grow more whole and seek the truth even deeper.
You always touch my heart in a special place way down deep.
to be free from ourselves - to be free to be who we really were created to be.
Big Hugs!!!!
Beautiful reflection of freedom....
Lovely simile that of the bird and the cage... Yes, we'd better stay in if our wings are not strong enough, and even if they are, it's safer to always come back ...
Lovely post my dear Sarah!
A wonderful post Sarah. Thank you as always for being real. Blessings.
This is a beautiful realisation. Amen to surrendering to God.
Very well said.
I never thought of it that way. A caged bird who, even though the cage has been lifted, is still held captive by invisible bars. God specializes in freeing the captives. I know. I was one.
I've never thought about freedom quite like this before. But, I know what you mean. This makes sense to me. Very well written! Thanks for sharing this with us!
I've read that quote from Maya Angelou before and puzzled over it. This is a very strong piece of writing you have done.
I have come to the point where I think freedom and happiness are a state of mind, and things you can carry around inside. I'm not saying I'm right, and obviously I am not seeing it from your perspective either. I don't know- I need to re-read your words and think some.
Thank you.
Post a Comment