"I thought how unpleasant it is to be locked out; and I thought how it is worse, perhaps, to be locked in." Virginia Wolfe
Being ignored hurts. It cuts deep.....drudging up old wounds....stirring up unresolved pain....a tactic used to show superiority and send a strong message.... declaring the unacknowledged...unworthy... undeserving....less than.....
Being ignored is the cruelest way to make a point......to flaunt control.....to wield power. Not acknowledging a person can create a hurt so deep - it's the harshest thing someone can do to another...especially if that person claims to care.
My father used to ignore me....refusing to talk or acknowledge my presence. His silence would go on for days...sometimes weeks... shutting me out of his world....closing the door....denying me access to him. He wanted to teach me a lesson....that he was right....I was wrong...he was good....I was bad. It was his way to force me to do whatever he wanted.
He had hurt me many times with his words and his fists - yet to be locked out of his world tore at me. It made me crazy...and desperate to make things right. I ended up doing whatever he wanted....anything just to have him acknowledge me again.
Ever since I could think, he taught me 'that without him...I was nothing' and even though he beat me...called me awful names...broke my spirit - I believed I needed him to live...to breathe...to exist. I needed him to survive.
Something has changed since I wrote my story...and told the truth of what happened. Writing...voicing what I had never been able to say....changed something in me. It gave me an inner strength...a courage I didn't have before. I'm not afraid anymore and I'm not a child.
Letting go of that desperation...I'm learning to take my power back.