Thursday, September 2, 2010

Ignored

"I thought how unpleasant it is to be locked out; and I thought how it is worse, perhaps, to be locked in." Virginia Wolfe

Being ignored hurts. It cuts deep.....drudging up old wounds....stirring up unresolved pain....a tactic used to show superiority and send a strong message.... declaring the unacknowledged...unworthy... undeserving....less than.....

Being ignored is the cruelest way to make a point......to flaunt control.....to wield power. Not acknowledging a person can create a hurt so deep - it's the harshest thing someone can do to another...especially if that person claims to care. 

My father used to ignore me....refusing to talk or  acknowledge my presence. His silence would go on for days...sometimes weeks... shutting me out of his world....closing the door....denying me access to him. He wanted to teach me a lesson....that he was right....I was wrong...he was good....I was bad.  It was his way to force me to do whatever he wanted. 

He had hurt me many times with his words and his fists - yet to be locked out of his world tore at me. It made me crazy...and desperate to make things right. I ended up doing whatever he wanted....anything just to have him acknowledge me again.  

Ever since I could think, he taught me  'that without him...I was nothing'  and even though he beat me...called me awful names...broke my spirit - I believed I needed him to live...to breathe...to exist. I needed him to survive. 

Something has changed since I wrote my story...and told the truth of what happened. Writing...voicing what I had never been able to say....changed something in me. It gave me an inner strength...a courage I didn't have before. I'm not afraid anymore and I'm not a child. 

Letting go of that desperation...I'm learning to take my power back. 





30 comments:

Denise said...

Amen, praise God sweetie.

Finding Pam said...

I am thankful that you have let go of that desperation. No parent or adult should behave that way, but because they are so sick and twisted they do.

Praise God for your journey in healing.

NOS said...

What a powerful post. It's really encouraging to know someone has developed an inner strength that gives them courage. I think you ARE taking your power back. You are in control of your life right now. That is very empowering.

Wishing you well,
NOS

Darlene Ouimet said...

Hi!
Wow, I am so glad that I stopped by today. I love your post, you express pain in such a similar way to the way that I do, that it is comforting somehow. I guess it is the "bond" thing ~ the bond of abuse but also the bond of recovery; standing up for the truth and for ourselves.
I can certainly relate to the desperate fear of being shut out and the fear of dying because of it ~ I remember when I began to get realize that it was a lie that I could not live without them... that I actually could live and learn how and be self reliant. At first I was too scared believe it.. and at the same time I was stunned to realize the truth of it, the magnitude of it. I was in my early forties. =)
Hugs, Darlene

Simone said...

You are so right about how being ignored makes you feel. You hit the nail on the head, and I am so glad you are healing and understanding the cruelty of such tactics. Where can I read your story?

Simone

Perfect Mind Storm said...

Once again, your words have struck a chord in me, something I can relate to. Ignoring a person, shutting them out, is one of the cruelest forms of control one person can take over another. I have been in that situation and know that desperation and fallen for it and groveled and begged, just to be acknowledged. It is painful to even think about. I am so proud of you and how far you have come from where you were. I have not known you long, but your words are such an inspiration to me. You don't even know how you, using the power of your words have already pointed me in a different direction from where I was a couple of weeks ago. I am thankful to God for allowing me to cross paths with you. And to use your words ........ "Stay Strong".
Hugssss

Paula said...

There lies a life in these words: taking my power back.
The awareness and strength in these words I can feel even over here!

A girl needs 2 Talk said...

Bless your heart, Sarah! I am growing up and feeling less needy asap. Feeling my Power. I feel good!

MTJ said...

Hi Sarah,

This is a good post on living free from terror, control, shame, and despair. Once we taste the joy of freedom we never go back to the way things were.

You're free my sister, that's wonderful news! Because of your freedom, you're able to help others escape.

Blessings and peace.

MTJ

Grace said...

yes, you did tell your story. and i was given the honor to read your story. i have now given your book to my therpaist to read. you will be heard. you will never again be ignored.

Chatty Crone said...

Now, THIS is my kind of blog. sandie

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

No person should ever hold that much power over another!

Dulce said...

If angels used words, a language, that would yours... How could you ever be ignored?
No way

;)
D.

RCUBEs said...

Can't imagine the pain it causes! I ignored a person once who became my best friend! I'm so grateful she accepted my being "bad". I'm so grateful the Lord had not ignored me and accepted me the way I am. Sister, thank you for your prayers and encouragement. Feeling better here on my upper back. Just trying to get more strength by God's grace. God bless you always. Love to you.

Vatche said...

Wow, that was a powerful piece and I had a knot in my throat when reading it.

I have been ignored sometimes in my life and I feel your pain, but it's a good thing that you are strong and pushed through the hard times.

Thank you for sharing this thought-provoking piece and write on!

Being Me said...

Virgina Wolfe could not have been more accurate.

Praying for less hurtful people in this world.

Thank you Sarah

God Whispers said...

It is testimonies like yours that penetrate the many hearts of the hurting. Blessings to you Sarah.

Prayer Girl said...

You writing is always powerful - powerfully honest and from the heart.

Write on.....

PG

Wonderingsoul said...

Dear Sarah,

Love the song for the journey... It is one of those that somehow reaches into the very depths and touches something that feels a bit wounded...

"I'm so sorry about your father's cruelty and abuse" doesn't really cut it. I don't think I have words to describe how much it saddens me to read about his rejection of you. You are such an incredible person and although there is the old 'it's his loss' cliche rattling round, Iknow that deeper than that, it's not just his loss... It's about your loss. A loss that no child should ever suffer... the loss of love from a parent is perhaps the most damaging thing ever... I'm not surprised that you sought numbness for years.

It sound really silly but the issue of parental rejection really came home to me when I read and taught Frankenstein for the first time.
The 'monster' wasn't a monster at all, but became so when he was utterly despised and rejected by his creator.
The torturous conflict and sadness within the monster is an incredible depiction of those who are forced to suffer the ultimate rejection, that of a parent / child.

Just wanted you to know that I'm reading and am moved by your story.
As always.

WS x

mya said...

To ignore someone is to tell them they do not count. Whether it is to the extreme as in your case, or a little less intense as children will do to another child on the playground, or teenagers will do in school. The intent is make themselves feel powerful at the expense of someone else. This is a terrible weapon that can break the spirit. I am so glad that you have met your demons, and recogize your worth.

Lisa said...

i'm glad you're holding on in there. I hope you can keep holding on through the storm. There are just so many ignorant idiots in the reality of this world. Realize how strong you are.

xoxo-
take care
-Lisa
ps- i just found your blog and love it

Ms Bingles Vintage Christmas said...

Oh my goodness... Your blog is just wonderful!
God Bless you!
Leticia

Nikki said...

I can so relate to your post. Being ignored is truly the cruelest thing and you are right it is about power and control!

I to have realized my own strength thru being able to write out all the stuff I have been thru there is power in words.

(((Hugs))) to you

Karen said...

Amen! He supplies the strength we need when we turn it over to Him....

Susan J. Reinhardt said...

Hi Sarah -

Different circumstances, but I've been there. Thank you for having the courage to tell your story.

Blessings,
Susan

Deb said...

So glad that you're not afraid anymore.

Living without fear...that's a good thing.

And you have power, sweet girl, word power.

You amaze me.

Sweet dreams.

Deborah Ann said...

My dad was like that too. He was never interested in having a conversation. The only thing he had to say is that all us kids were such a burden.

I see God has done a beautiful work in both of our lives. We have come a long way!

Charlotte/For Such A Time As This said...

There is power in being who God created you to be...His daughter...free, and loved.
Be fully "you" in His power, and be you powerfully!

Nothing but blessings to you:)

Syd said...

Powerful stuff Sarah. I am glad that you are speaking up and taking back your power. Building self-esteem that has been broken down is difficult but something that I found in recovery. I know that I am not as bad as I thought I was.

MOLLYE said...

Hi Sarah, Oh my sweet sister every time you put pen to paper you tell our stories. Thank you for speaking out. God go with you today! and please will you drop by and visit my daughter Shari at her very new and first blog. The link is on my blog. Thank you. Love you my new friend, Mollye