Thursday, September 9, 2010

Winners Don't Run

“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win." Mathatma Gandhi

She was a frumpy forty-something single woman...with no style...and no flair. She definitely didn't look the part of a superstar singer. Everyone laughed at her. But she knew something the crowds didn't know. She knew she could sing. And she had gotten to a place in her life that she was ready to show everyone who she really was. She walked onto that stage....held her head high....and let everyone laugh.  The lights dimmed....the music started...and Susan Boyle wowed the world. No one's laughing now!

I know what it feels like to be laughed at...to be judged...to be ridiculed. My parents laughed at me....called me garbage, idiot, retarded....told me I was a nobody...a nothing.....said I couldn't talk right...my words  made no sense... I made no sense. I believed them...until that day in a hospital Emerg when He touched me.....and broke through the shame...and whispered that I was a somebody.

I went back to school....got a degree....even got on the dean's honor list. But the shame had reached so far down...that even though I didn't think it affected me anymore....it did. Those old voices taunting... teasing ...tormenting. No matter what I accomplished...they were there...whispering...who do you think you are? they'll find out they made a mistake...they'll find out you're a mistake.

Shame.....So many times I thought I was free of it and WHAMP! I wasn't! I tried shutting it out by throwing up and cutting myself...but it was always in the shadows.... holding me back....keeping me from living free. 

Then this past year...I wrote my story...told what happened (www.gentlerecovery.webs.com)....all the secrets I had kept for so long. People looked at me with respect. I've been asked to speak at a writer's panel on Sept. 21st and at a women's centre Oct. 1st. I'm afraid of the shame kicking in again. I've always been afraid to be seen....to stand up...to talk in front of people who are looking at me...listening...and watching. I hope my words make sense. I hope I can do this without throwing up or passing out. 

I know I'm a fighter...a fighter that pushes back. I don't give up...and I'll never give in....not to the lies...not to the shame. Like Susan Boyle...I'm beginning to know who I am....and what I'm capable of....I'm gonna push through that shame....


23 comments:

Terri Tiffany said...

OH Wow!! I am so proud and excited for you!! More speaking opportunities to share your story:) God is at work!

Mary said...

You are a beautiful, strong daughter of the Most High King!!!! Loved beyond measure, his treasure!! Redeemed, made new, and being molded into what God has planned for you!!

Blessings and love to you my friend!!!

Dianne said...

Dear Sarah,
Jesus pushed through that shame for you and you know longer have to listen to those voices. I, for one, know how gifted and talented you are from your writings--what a sweet blog friend you are from your encouraging and uplifting comments--

Hold your head high because He lifted you and me out of the miry clay. He is our only hope.

Much love,
Dianne

MTJ said...

Hi Sarah,

This is such a wonderful opportunity to share your life with others. I'm certain that someone will be listening to you and identify or key specifically on something you will say; you will bless their life Sarah.

I know we've never met but I feel pride for you, knowing that God has been with you throughout those terrible days of pain and sadness, preparing you for such a time as now.

You've stood up and faced the fears, shame, taunts, teasing and torments; they no longer imprison you.

I will be praying that God's grace continues to be with you, even in your fear to be seen and heard. You'll have a wonderful presence and your voice will resonate in the lives of those in the audience.

I'm so very happy that God is giving you this opportunity.

Blessings and peace.

MTJ

Susan Deborah said...

Sarah, you were chosen long before you were born. I am glad that you never let others label or brand you.
Your title is what I needed to see today. Sarah, sometimes it seems so easy to give up and quit. Staying along and facing things is a task. Thanks for this post today, dear Sarah. I just needed to see this :)

Much love,
Susan

elizabeth said...

What an amazing story you have that will be such a help to many, many, many. Have you ever been over to
Tea with Tiffany blog? I think you'll like it.

So happy to meet you and to have you as a new blog follower is a great joy! I look forward to getting to know you better!
Elizabeth
http://www.justfollowingjesus.com

RCUBEs said...

Praying for His strength to always be yours sister! Keep fighting...By His power and might! Blessings.

Sheila Deeth said...

I hadn't really thought of how her strength encourages others. What a great post. And thanks.

A girl needs 2 Talk said...

You made me cry. Will you do me a favor, please?? I soooooooooooo want to be there, to listen to you talking your heart out, to watch you wowing the audience, to clap for you, to cry with pride for you, to just witness you turning sooo many lives over... Will you remember this just before you speak that day and know that I'm so very glad for you??

V said...

I can relate. I was ridiculed by my dad and i am an over-achiever. I realised this year i am never happy with myself coz i was told my whole life you're a nothing a failure!
Winners keep on keeping on coz they do the things it seems no one else seems to want 2 do.
Many people have been degraded and have no voice. We're talking for all those who cant.
Remember as Bruno Mars sings in his debut single (something about think your amazing) girl you're amazing i think you're amazing. God's talking there to us all. Go listen 2 the song

mya said...

Sarah,
Jesus will be with you, draw on his strength, and remember all of us are here for you.
Sarah when you speak at these engagements, maybe especially the women's center, you will not be speaking just for yourself, but for a woman or a young girl that has not found their voice to scream out about the pain they are experiencing or the pain that they have endured. You might be the person that can reach them; your words might be the encouragement they need, the understanding they crave.

Finally Free said...

Sarah,
It has been so amazing to watch all that God is doing through you. Your life is and will touch so many with a message of hope.
Thanks for your encouraging comments. Needed them last week. :)

Blessings and hugs,
Tammy

Karen said...

It was only a matter of time...your story...His story...your courage...His strength...mountains will move, sister...lives will be changed...I am so very happy for you...

You make your heavenly Father so proud!

Susan said...

You are a precious child of the Most High God....heir to a King. I hope your story touches hundreds of people, especially those who most need to read it. Susan

Denise said...

Amen, keep pushing through sis. I love you.

Marj aka Thriver said...

Wow, Sarah! This is such an amazingly inspiring post. I can so relate to it. I heard some of the same exact words and deal with the same shame. "Who do you think you are?" especially comes to mind from my own memory.

But, you know what you are? You are AMAZING! I'm so happy for you for those upcoming speaking engagements. You go, girl! You get in there and knock 'em dead! They want to hear what YOU have to say. Best wishes and safe hugs ((((((((((Sarah))))))))

Deborah Ann said...

Awesome, Sarah! You can do it! Your story is going to help so many people, I just know it!

Dulce said...

(hey! how come I nearly missed this one...)
dear Sarah,
If you've got this far...you need to run no more... for you know that would mean running away from your inner self...

Hugs
:)

Colleen said...

Congrats on your speaking engagements! God bless!

Nikki said...

Congratulations!!! That is Awesome! And I do understand about having to fight that inner battle about getting up in front of people! I try to remember when I get up in front of people to speak I reassure myself of the truth that I have just as much value and my voice is just as important as any of the individuals in the audience! That is what I have to remind myself plus I think about that there maybe someone in the audience that may need to hear what I have to say, that it may help them!

So I do know what you mean about the struggle! I am cheering for you!! (((HUGS)))

Syd said...

Good for you Sarah. I am glad that you are not giving in to the voices that whisper negative thoughts. I too have had to overcome negative feelings about not being good enough. But I am grateful for the program of recovery that has shown me a different way to think about myself. Good luck at the conference.

Crown of Beauty said...

Push through the shame. It is a huge lie that the enemy wants us to believe to derail us from our true identity and destiny.

I will be praying for you - that God will break through for you, and will prove Himself faithful to enable you to speak with power and authority. To be a voice...yes, you will be His voice for this generation.

May you help to set the captives free, Nikki.

Love
Lidj

Just_because_today said...

you have overcome so much, yours is a story of hope.
And winners do run, you are a runner ;) like I am