“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win." Mathatma Gandhi
She was a frumpy forty-something single woman...with no style...and no flair. She definitely didn't look the part of a superstar singer. Everyone laughed at her. But she knew something the crowds didn't know. She knew she could sing. And she had gotten to a place in her life that she was ready to show everyone who she really was. She walked onto that stage....held her head high....and let everyone laugh. The lights dimmed....the music started...and Susan Boyle wowed the world. No one's laughing now!
I know what it feels like to be laughed at...to be judged...to be ridiculed. My parents laughed at me....called me garbage, idiot, retarded....told me I was a nobody...a nothing.....said I couldn't talk right...my words made no sense... I made no sense. I believed them...until that day in a hospital Emerg when He touched me.....and broke through the shame...and whispered that I was a somebody.
I went back to school....got a degree....even got on the dean's honor list. But the shame had reached so far down...that even though I didn't think it affected me anymore....it did. Those old voices taunting... teasing ...tormenting. No matter what I accomplished...they were there...whispering...who do you think you are? they'll find out they made a mistake...they'll find out you're a mistake.
Shame.....So many times I thought I was free of it and WHAMP! I wasn't! I tried shutting it out by throwing up and cutting myself...but it was always in the shadows.... holding me back....keeping me from living free.
Then this past year...I wrote my story...told what happened (www.gentlerecovery.webs.com)....all the secrets I had kept for so long. People looked at me with respect. I've been asked to speak at a writer's panel on Sept. 21st and at a women's centre Oct. 1st. I'm afraid of the shame kicking in again. I've always been afraid to be seen....to stand up...to talk in front of people who are looking at me...listening...and watching. I hope my words make sense. I hope I can do this without throwing up or passing out.
I know I'm a fighter...a fighter that pushes back. I don't give up...and I'll never give in....not to the lies...not to the shame. Like Susan Boyle...I'm beginning to know who I am....and what I'm capable of....I'm gonna push through that shame....