Thursday, September 30, 2010

Tears


You risk tears if you let yourself be tamed. Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince 

I never used to cry. I wouldn't let myself. No matter what happened...no matter what anyone said or did. I  just wouldn't cry. 

I thought it was a sign of weakness....of defeat and surrender. I refused to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they had gotten to me. I forced myself to be strong...to fight back...to be tough....tougher than them....tougher than anything they could do to me. I refused to let them see me cry. 

The truth was....I was really scared. And alone in the dark...the tears came. They made me feel like I was breaking and falling into a million gazillion pieces. I forced myself to stop them....shooting up...throwing up....cutting myself....just to not feel...to live numb...and quiet the fear.

Lately I've noticed I'm not so afraid to cry anymore. A few times when telling my story, the tears hit. My first reaction - hide....but then....a thought...to stay....be real....it's okay to be seen...to be vulnerable. I don't have to fight anymore. I don't have to make myself strong. I am strong. I'm still here. I survived. 

I don't know if you guys know just how much you've helped me. Everytime I've posted....I waited for someone to tell me I'm a liar....that I made everything up....that nothing I say is true. Over and over again....your comments supported and encouraged me and gave me the courage I needed to be 'tamed'....Thank you so much for that. You've given me a gift that has made a huge difference in my life.

Tomorrow I'm talking at women's centre...telling my story....to give hope and show that nothing is impossible to overcome.

Thanks so much guys....thanks so much for always being in my corner. ☺

30 comments:

Just Be Real said...

Sarah I am so very proud of you!

I love reading your journey. You are such an encouragement to me. Helps me to stop and think many times and apply or relate to what you share. You do not know just how you have touched my heart and many others I am sure as well.

Amen to sharing your story tomorrow. You are certainly a bright shining light. Blessings and (((((Sarah)))))

Paula said...

We only tamed with you together your disbelief in yourself ;-)))) Love you

Paula said...

And, great minds think alike:
Maybe u like to check out what I wrote 2 days ago:
http://pneumeier.blogspot.com/2010/09/you-inspired-affirmation.html

Choctaw Spirit said...

Sarah,
I have not been over here for awhile, but I want you to know I keep you in my prayers always. Your courage and your kindness to me a few weeks back helped me more than you know. You are such an inspiration to many and I don't think you will know that fully until you stand before Jesus and he says "well done thou good and faithful servant".
As for tears, I tried that tough act too, not crying, not allowing someone to see how they hurt me, but now I allow the tears to flow freely. I feel they are cleansing, gifts from God which allow us to release the "poison" inside.

God bless you dear one and thank you for being so real. I never once questioned your honesty in anything you write. --- Celia

NOS said...

I can really relate. When I'm alone or when I'm in therapy I cry all of the time. I'm a virtual waterworks. But I have a lot of trouble letting other people see me cry.

Good luck at your speaking engagement. Of course, I have no idea where you are, but when I heard that I immediately thought if you ever were to come to where I live I would certainly see you speak. Your story is quite exceptional.

Wishing you well,
NOS

MTJ said...

Hi Sarah,

I appreciate you my friend. Although we've lived vastly different lives, I know what it's like to walk away from drugs and a life that put me at risk. I think that your willingness to speak on topics which so many women can identify and relate to, inspires other women to realize that they can break free from the bondage which holds them prisoner.

Speaking as a man, I'm saddened by the violent and abusive acts of my gender against women and children. Keep speaking on these topics Sarah so that light penetrates the darkness where others are held captive.

Blessings and peace.

MTJ

flying eagle woman said...

I haven't been here in so long but you're in my prayers when I pass by your page from time to time...you connect with your readers in a deep and honest way, I'm excited to hear more from you whenever I stop by here!
Warm hugs,
Shawna

shannon i olson said...

I am so glad you have let the tears fall, I remember a time I stood in my kitchen, hearing words I needed to hear and tears fell, it got to me, no guard up and it was healing and ok. I have nothing like you do in my past but hurt is hurt. YOurs is healing by the grace of God YOU ARE HEALING!

elizabeth said...

I pray that the Lord uses your story in a very powerful way. Soar!
And thanks for your kind encouragement over at my place.
Elizabeth
http://www.justfollowingjesus.com

Kay said...

kudos for you! truly. I still fight tears, something best done in private than out in the open...

Dulce said...

tears are so healing... i am glad you can make use of them at last

Denise said...

Tears can be a healing balm sweet sis. You are in my prayers.

RCUBEs said...

By all means, let those tears flow...I pray that with every drop, every amount of fear is being released. And being replaced by His strength.

That's awesome that you are speaking for Him. May the hearts and minds of those who will be there are opened to your powerful testimony! Glory be to God! Take care sister and God bless and protect you.

Crown of Beauty said...

Have you ever heard the song For Those Tears I Died...

Oh, I am so glad to be a part of your journey dearest Nikki.

Your story has encouraged my heart so much.

I will be praying for you.

Love
Lidj

Terri Tiffany said...

Will be praying for you tomorrow. Please post how it goes:)

A girl needs 2 Talk said...

Hey!!! There's my girl! You're strong, you're brave, you're an inspiration!

p.s. Even if there's no one else left on the Earth with sense in their head and love in their heart, you'll know that you are TRUE. Look within. If you still can't find the answer, I'll hop right there!

Patrina's Pencil said...

Tears - I used to not cry too - Now, I cry almost every time I pray to the Father - just to be in His presence brings me to an emotional state that is different than any other relationship. I think because I get to be real - I get to be myself and know that I am still loved.

I think that's what you are discovering - that you can feel your feelings and share your feelings - and know that you are still loved - at least here in bloggy land - we love ya:)

Praying for you tomorrow - you will be an awesome messenger of His love. Walk in confidence of who you are in Christ and He will speak for you.

Hugs,
Patrina <")>><

mya said...

Another group, I feel certain, has been blessed and encouraged by listening to you. I wonder if after the program people are given the chance to ask questions or to talk with you.
I do hope that you take a break for yourself once in a while.

Lori Laws said...

Hi Sarah. Yes, once we kind of make it through our hell on earth, new perspective happens. God seems to color things differently. Our "hell on earth" is the preparation for doing the great things God has called us to do.

You would never be the woman you are today if you didn't experience all the hurt. Your strong. Look at the things you are able to do, and look at what you've done already!

Keep going! Know that I'm standing with you in faith. Blessings :)

Chatty Crone said...

Good luck and prayers with you tomorrow. sandie

Deborah Ann said...

God is really making something beautiful in your life! I imagine there will be many more speaking engagements to come.

I know just how you feel about worrying you'll be thought of as a liar. I once had to share something painfully personal, and I worried about the very same thing. Although in my case, some people actually did think I lied. Oh well. God knows the truth.

I'm so proud of you!

Big hugs...

Lynda Young said...

You posts are so real -- there is nothing 'made up' or fake. And yes, it's good to let it all go and cry.

I hope your talk went well.

Ann said...

Dear Sraah,

Thanks for visiting.

Your are right about tears and letting them flow.

22 years ago, my mum died tragically at 60. My pastor's wife told me to cry.

20 months later, I gave birth to a dying baby, again, I was told to cry.

Now, when I hear of someone faced with a tragic case, I tell them to cry.

Ann

Just_because_today said...

Sarah:
Thank YOU.

I can relate so much to this post. I too hid my tears. Now, I feel I cry so easily. Tears wash away pain.

Sonja said...

Sarah:

I came over to visit from JBR's page and I'm so glad I did. Your words and your journey are such a testimony! Our God, the one who created us, also heals us, and we all need it! Thank you for the beautiful sharing!

Sonja

Audrinna said...

Thank you for this post

imaginenamaste said...

I love reading your journey--I completely understand about crying, it is so confusing but wonderful and scary at the same time. Hugs...

Marj aka Thriver said...

I have found that letting the tears come can be very cleansing and healing. I'm glad you have found your tears and that they are healing for you. I hope things went well at the womens' center. That is so cool! :)

Finding Pam said...

Sarah, I will keep you in my prayers tomorrow as you speak. It is amazing how God gives us the words to use.

It takes so much effort to be stoic and not show the pain. I cried for a solid year after my mother died. It was bitter sweet.

Now I don't have any tears left to cry. Is that normal?

V said...

Dont laugh at me now k!!! But i like it when someone cries, not to make fun of them but because it shows we weak and then i dont feel so alone coz I'm always crying LOL! It's a great opportunity to share hugs too