You risk tears if you let yourself be tamed. Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince
I never used to cry. I wouldn't let myself. No matter what happened...no matter what anyone said or did. I just wouldn't cry.
I thought it was a sign of weakness....of defeat and surrender. I refused to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they had gotten to me. I forced myself to be strong...to fight back...to be tough....tougher than them....tougher than anything they could do to me. I refused to let them see me cry.
The truth was....I was really scared. And alone in the dark...the tears came. They made me feel like I was breaking and falling into a million gazillion pieces. I forced myself to stop them....shooting up...throwing up....cutting myself....just to not feel...to live numb...and quiet the fear.
Lately I've noticed I'm not so afraid to cry anymore. A few times when telling my story, the tears hit. My first reaction - hide....but then....a thought...to stay....be real....it's okay to be seen...to be vulnerable. I don't have to fight anymore. I don't have to make myself strong. I am strong. I'm still here. I survived.
I don't know if you guys know just how much you've helped me. Everytime I've posted....I waited for someone to tell me I'm a liar....that I made everything up....that nothing I say is true. Over and over again....your comments supported and encouraged me and gave me the courage I needed to be 'tamed'....Thank you so much for that. You've given me a gift that has made a huge difference in my life.
Tomorrow I'm talking at women's centre...telling my story....to give hope and show that nothing is impossible to overcome.
Thanks so much guys....thanks so much for always being in my corner. ☺