Thursday, October 28, 2010

A Struggle


"Nothing good ever comes of violence." Martin Luther King, Jr. 
I never wanted to be like the people who hurt me. All the abuse....it gets into your system....into your blood......and into your head. It takes on a life of its own....and the battle....becomes a fierce fight to break free. 

The hardest thing I had to overcome - that overpowering urge to lash out...to strike back....to quiet the wild rage that became a part of me. Violence had left it's mark.....and demanded to be released. 

I didn't want to hurt anyone like I had been hurt...so I turned on myself...with drugs...and cutting and throwing up. 

Violence - an energy I couldn't tame. 
Violence - I lived and breathed what others did to me. 
Violence - it lived inside in terrifying nightmares... that made me afraid to go to sleep or close the lights or even close my eyes.
Violence - I thought the people who hurt me were strong....powerful...in control.

But I learned the truth.....they were never the strong ones. It's those who turn the other cheek...who walk away....who don't fight back...who extend their hand instead of raising and clenching their fist....they're the ones who are really strong...and powerful....and in control. 

Sometimes I still see violent images in my head..usually when I'm tired....but now....I go running...or get lost in writing....or go into the woods to feel the touch of the power of His gentleness. The touch that made all the difference in my world....that taught me true strength...and that true power has nothing to do with cruelty or meanness. Instead....it's kind...peaceful...believes the best..and  always forgives...

14 comments:

Sharon Kirby said...

Sarah - Just makes me want to wrap my arms around you and take away all the pain. But I know Someone who spread His arms wide on a cross - for ALL of us - and He has the only comfort that lasts.

"You will find rest in My Shadow. I will cover you with My feathers. I will shelter you with My wings."


GOD BLESS, Sarah - you are in my thoughts tonight.

A girl needs 2 Talk said...

You are my hero. Sincerely, with ALL of my struggles, there is NO ONE in the world who gives me hope, strength, courage, love, kindness, understanding and a sense of forgiveness for everything and rids my heart of hurt, like YOU do. Hugging you tight. I love you!

p.s. your daughter is just like you!

Chatty Crone said...

Okay - I've got to be the devils advocate for a minute. Anger - rage - no, they are not good things, not at all.

BUT, it is a step to healing? To becoming stronger?

How could you have broken out of the situation without it?

Then you opened your eyes and saw you had no need of it any more.

It was released - that is a gift your received not having to keep it forever and passing it on.

You were able to break the cycle of violence.

Do you understand this at all or am I making a mess of it?

I quess what I'm saying is this - you just weren't going to take it anymore - no matter what - you had to show what you were made of.

It took guts.

Lovingly,
sandie

June_Butterfly said...

I may never be able to relate to the physical pains that you have undergone,not fully.I in on the other hand have tried to fight back thru verbal violence.Hitting the people who have hurt me in their weakest point with the only weapon I had,my words.

It did nothing to lessen the pain.Instead I felt so tired,worn out and more hurt than ever.

Now ,when I remember the pain,I just write ,write words that will help me move on with less pain.

You are a good spirit.In time I know you will find your peace.For you are strong,in ways that those inflicted pains in you are not.

Just Be Real said...

Sarah, you continue to be such an inspiration to me and to many with your life story. You are helping so many people with your truth! I thank God for you dear one. Blessings.

Gaia said...

To keep calm and at peace with oneself, in order to be in control of our emotions. Trying meditation right now! hope it works. Bless you.

Denise said...

You are so precious sis, love you.

NOS said...

And I agree with what you (and Dr. King) are saying-- nothing good ever comes of violence. So much more is accomplished through love. Now, if that isn't a hippie sentiment I don't know what is! :)

You've been through so much, Sarah. I really admire your perseverance. You are clearly a VERY strong person.

Wishing you well,
NOS

Crown of Beauty said...

I do admire the way you share about you pain so honestly, and so openly.

What you went through is something I can only imagine. So unthinkable, and yet in His greatness, God was able to open the dark prison for you and enable you to get out and recover your life. Piece by piece...and now you have become a voice in the wilderness to speak hope and comfort.

Thank you for being willing to do that.

Have you ever heard the song Running by Christ for the Nations Institute?

It's a great song!

Love
Lidj

Lily said...

I'm so glad that the violence doesn't consume you in the way it did before. It's such a hard thing to keep from infiltrating into your life after you have experienced it first hand.

Paul from Mind Parts said...

Sarah, What a great post and thank you for sharing it with the Blog Carnival.

Patricia Singleton said...

Like Paul, I am glad that you chose to share this with the Blog Carnival. It took me about 4 years to learn how to feel my anger and hurt without allowing it to hurt those that were closest to me. I am glad that I finally learned how to manage and let go of my anger. My life is much better because of it.

Susannah said...

I turned that violence and anger in on myself for a long time, too. It's so hard to break out of that cycle!!

I think you're right - they were never the strong ones - they were innately weak for allowing their anger or desires to overcome their self control. Weak for hurting people more vulnerable than themselves. Weak to not admit what they were doing and ask for help.

You're the strong one because you're overcoming the pain of what happened to you, and learning to live in peace - and to help others to do the same by writing this blog.

From Tracie said...

Sarah, this is just so beautiful and true. I love so much that you have learned about real strength and how to overcome those violent images in safe and productive ways. That is such a blessing!