Laughter

 

 "Laughter is carbonated holiness." Anne Lamott 

It' was a hard week...fighting a cold headachy....exhausted...just not feeling good. My friend came over....started telling me how awful her day at work had been....and her responses to the people who crossed her. 

Her words intense...her face serious..she spoke quickly needing to get it all out. I don't know what it was or why it happened but as she talked about the hardness of her day....the the two of us suddenly cracked up laughing.  Everytime she started to talk...or be serious....and explain what happened....we both burst into uncontrollable laughter. 

Soon neither of us could talk. Everytime we tried....we kept laughing hysterically. Tears rolled down our cheeks. All our frustrations that had seemed so huge disappeared....the tough stuff...my cold...her bad day....it didn't matter no more. 

All week it's been like that...friends calling...wanting to get together...to connect...share....laugh. I've been saying yes...taking risks....being present...letting myself connect with people and life....

There was a time I never laughed...rarely even smiled. A teacher once told me,   you're the saddest child I've ever seen.  Life hurt too much. But now...things have changed. He made the difference...helped me move forward.

Laughter....a gift....total fun....the best feeling. I read somewhere.....classes are being held to teach people to laugh...and clowns are brought into hospitals to get the sick smiling and laughing as part of their healing.

I don't know if I could have been taught to laugh.  In a couple of weeks I have to share my story at Toastmasters. They've suggested I write it down. In writing....I remember the darkness....the loneliness...the fear. I'm not sure anyone could have taught me to let go....and be free enough to laugh. For me...being able to laugh comes  from a  from a place of feeling free. Laughter...it really is the best. 

Living Free

"My hope is to laugh as much as I cry...and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return. Maya Angelou

I've lost a lot of time.....running scared....fighting to survive....not sure if my life was worth much of anything. Since publishing and telling my story...
things have changed. I'm freer.....not weighed down with so much shame. It feels as if I've slipped off an oversized jacket that was too bulky and cumbersome....or put down a gigantic sack I carried everywhere I went...an immense weight that kept getting in the way.....

There's a ton of things I want to do....things I want to try.  Mostly...I want to keep my heart open to living free. 

Things feel new. It's like I'm experimenting with the world....and life....with living and being. I can look people in their eyes.....and let them look in mine....something I couldn't do before. I feel more comfortable in my skin...not detached as if I don't belong in it. 

Most mornings I wake up ready to face the world. I'm still amazed at how far down He went to pull me out of the darkness...that place where I had no hope....no faith that anything could ever change. But it did...Somehow the power of His gentleness made the difference.

I still need to withdraw....to be alone...to tune into my heart.....and listen for His gentle whisper that always gives me the assurance I'm not alone anymore....and everything's going to be okay. 

And I want to make a difference for others who are where I was...to shine hope....to let them know....nothing is impossible to overcome.Aboslutely nothing.

We're leaving in a couple of days for San Fransisco. I used to be afraid to leave home....but I've made a deal with myself....to trust...kick back....and have a ton of fun....