His hook were his words....gentle, soothing...claiming love. I overlooked his rage, the beatings, the name calling. He told me he loved me.....he told me I was the only one who understood him.....he said he needed me. I was seven years old.
He poured out his heart...sharing things I didn't understand. And when he hurt me....using vulgar words or his fists....or locking me in the car for hours...I still believed he loved me....I didn't know any different and besides - he needed me.
At eight....he beat me so bad I started cutting myself. I thought he was right - I believed I was worthless. Nine...ten....eleven...at twelve I stole morphine trying to block out his rage and my fear....thirteen....fourteen I was shooting dope three and four times a day.
Loyalty.....I was loyal to him no matter what he did or how he treated me. I tried to be what he wanted, to give him what I thought he needed. He spoke with kindness...tenderness but then in the same heartbeat he turned like someone possessed and I became the object of his hatred.
Loyalty - I knew more about what he liked, what he wanted, what he needed than what I did. I didn't exist near him. I couldn't. He couldn't handle that....so I disappeared. I went away. I got lost. I lived in my own world...
Loyalty....the rapist demanded loyalty just like my father. He said he loved me....that I couldn't live without him....and that God wanted me to be with him. Like my father, he hurt me and wouldn't let me go. I managed to get free...but I wasn't really free. Not for a long time....Not until I had falled so far down....not until I almost died - not until I felt His touch....and He showed me the power and truth of loyalty....
I learned I had trusted in lies, in deception. To trust from my heart instead of my head was too hard. I screamed at Him to kill me...to let me go...but He wouldn't.
I needed to learn to be loyal to myself. I struggled with knowing simple things....like my favorite color or food or tv program. I had a hard time staying present or letting anyone get close and I couldn't stop hurting myself. He waited....with patience...with gentleness.
Loyalty - It's powerful. It determines the direction of life.
