Loyalty

"The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool." Stephen King

His hook were his words....gentle, soothing...claiming love. I overlooked his rage, the beatings, the name calling.  He told me he loved me.....he told me I was the only one who understood him.....he said he  needed me. I was seven years old.

He poured out his heart...sharing things I didn't understand. And when he hurt me....using vulgar words or his fists....or locking me in the car for hours...I still believed he loved me....I didn't know any different and besides - he needed me. 

At eight....he beat me so bad I started cutting myself. I thought he was right - I believed I was worthless.  Nine...ten....eleven...at twelve I stole morphine trying to block out his rage and my fear....thirteen....fourteen I was shooting dope three and four times a day.

Loyalty.....I was loyal to him no matter what he did or how he treated me.  I tried to be what he wanted, to give him what I thought he needed. He spoke with kindness...tenderness but then in the same heartbeat he turned like someone possessed and I became the object of his hatred.

Loyalty - I knew more about what he liked, what he wanted, what he needed than what I did. I didn't exist near him. I couldn't. He couldn't handle that....so I disappeared. I went away. I got lost. I lived in my own world...

Loyalty....the rapist demanded loyalty just like my father. He said he loved me....that I couldn't live without him....and that God wanted me to be with him. Like my father, he hurt me and wouldn't let me go. I managed to get free...but I wasn't really free. Not for a long time....Not until I had falled so far down....not until I almost died - not until I felt His touch....and He showed me the power and truth of loyalty....

I learned I had trusted in lies, in deception. To trust from my heart instead of my head was too hard.  I screamed at Him to kill me...to let me go...but He wouldn't. 

I needed to learn to be loyal to myself.  I struggled with knowing simple things....like my favorite color or food or tv program. I had a hard time staying present or letting anyone get close and I couldn't stop hurting myself. He waited....with patience...with gentleness.

Loyalty - It's powerful. It determines the direction of life. 



 

Fighting for Others

"Don't give up trying to find your way. But do remember that sometimes it takes bending to avoid breaking." Katinka Hesselink

I spent a long time fighting - fighting to stay alive - watching friends die. Others falling into deep depression unable to find their way out. Listening to voices of hatred - feeling the touch of evil.

I'm a fighter. I don't give up easily. In some ways that fighter mentality has given me strength. An inner strength. A strength that makes me push against whatever I need - to survive. I don't understand. Why me? - others gave up - died - gave in to the darkness - gave in to hopelessness.

The worst is past. It's behind me. But I'm still fighting. I feel it inside. Sometimes I fight when I don't have to - when there isn't a need to fight. I don't know how to stop. It's a part of me - like my name - a drive that surges through me - pushing me to hang in - stay focused until I exhaust myself. Letting go - giving in is not an option. Not until I'm writing or running alone in the woods.

I want to use this energy to fight for others. To give them hope - a reason to live - a purpose to push back - to fight their demons. I want this fight in me to help others not give up - to show the gentleness of God - to point them to the One who has the power to break through anything.

I'm working on courage. Courage to tell people in my world the things that happened - how I lived.....the darkness - the deception that I believed. - I don't want shame to win out. I don't want shame to stop me - Some days it's easier to have faith. Other days I feel lower than a worm. But that fighter in me won't give up - won't stay down. I have a purpose - a goal. To give back. To reach out. To help even one person not be swallowed up by the darkness.