Winners Don't Run

“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win." Mathatma Gandhi

She was a frumpy forty-something single woman...with no style...and no flair. She definitely didn't look the part of a superstar singer. Everyone laughed at her. But she knew something the crowds didn't know. She knew she could sing. And she had gotten to a place in her life that she was ready to show everyone who she really was. She walked onto that stage....held her head high....and let everyone laugh.  The lights dimmed....the music started...and Susan Boyle wowed the world. No one's laughing now!

I know what it feels like to be laughed at...to be judged...to be ridiculed. My parents laughed at me....called me garbage, idiot, retarded....told me I was a nobody...a nothing.....said I couldn't talk right...my words  made no sense... I made no sense. I believed them...until that day in a hospital Emerg when He touched me.....and broke through the shame...and whispered that I was a somebody.

I went back to school....got a degree....even got on the dean's honor list. But the shame had reached so far down...that even though I didn't think it affected me anymore....it did. Those old voices taunting... teasing ...tormenting. No matter what I accomplished...they were there...whispering...who do you think you are? they'll find out they made a mistake...they'll find out you're a mistake.

Shame.....So many times I thought I was free of it and WHAMP! I wasn't! I tried shutting it out by throwing up and cutting myself...but it was always in the shadows.... holding me back....keeping me from living free. 

Then this past year...I wrote my story...told what happened (www.gentlerecovery.webs.com)....all the secrets I had kept for so long. People looked at me with respect. I've been asked to speak at a writer's panel on Sept. 21st and at a women's centre Oct. 1st. I'm afraid of the shame kicking in again. I've always been afraid to be seen....to stand up...to talk in front of people who are looking at me...listening...and watching. I hope my words make sense. I hope I can do this without throwing up or passing out. 

I know I'm a fighter...a fighter that pushes back. I don't give up...and I'll never give in....not to the lies...not to the shame. Like Susan Boyle...I'm beginning to know who I am....and what I'm capable of....I'm gonna push through that shame....

Winner

"We read to know we are not alone." C.S. Lewis

I've been blown away by all the people interested in wanting to win a copy of my book. I wish I could send everyone one. My daughter wrote down the names of everyone who commented on the three blogs and then pulled out the name of the winner. 

Jane of the Jungle won the copy. I'll pop it in the mail today. Way to go. 


And for anyone who may be interested in purchasing a copy of the book, I've posted some excerpts of reviews: 

1....Her story is compelling simply because she should not be where she is now: she should not be alive, she should not be whole, and she should not be thriving in society. But she is! As I journeyed through her story, I became aware of a burning passion at work. It is a story of the loving Creator wooing a lost soul. 

I cried as I read of her traumas. I rejoiced as I read of both the miraculous deliverance and the painstaking recovery. And I will continue to celebrate as society’s lost are found through her words and ministry. Anyone who reads this story will have no doubt that God’s love conquers all and trumps even mankind’s best efforts.

- Donna Dawson, author of The Adam and Eve Project, Redeemed, and the double award winning novel, Vengeance
  
2.....I began reading her blog and could gather by her postings that she had endured very painful events in her life.I did not understand the full magnitude of the pain and suffering she endured until I read her life story, In The Eye of Deception. In The Eye of Deception is a powerful book about enduring, surviving and overcoming .... It is a powerful story of redemption....a powerful story of how God can turn what is meant to destroy us into something which uplifts us and glorifies HIM. I give In The Eye of Deception 5 out of 5 stars. The book is awesome. The book is fantastic. The book will indeed set you free.
Valerie: http://simply4god.blogspot.com

 3. As a Child and Youth Worker, it amazes me that she is still alive after what she lived through. Many youth and adults have far fewer problems yet give up because life seems just too difficult. If anyone had a reason to give up, she did, yet God perserved her life and gave her a desire to bring hope and healing to others. May this book change your life as knowing her has changed mine. 

Debbie Thorkildsen: CYW 

Fighting for Others

"Don't give up trying to find your way. But do remember that sometimes it takes bending to avoid breaking." Katinka Hesselink

I spent a long time fighting - fighting to stay alive - watching friends die. Others falling into deep depression unable to find their way out. Listening to voices of hatred - feeling the touch of evil.

I'm a fighter. I don't give up easily. In some ways that fighter mentality has given me strength. An inner strength. A strength that makes me push against whatever I need - to survive. I don't understand. Why me? - others gave up - died - gave in to the darkness - gave in to hopelessness.

The worst is past. It's behind me. But I'm still fighting. I feel it inside. Sometimes I fight when I don't have to - when there isn't a need to fight. I don't know how to stop. It's a part of me - like my name - a drive that surges through me - pushing me to hang in - stay focused until I exhaust myself. Letting go - giving in is not an option. Not until I'm writing or running alone in the woods.

I want to use this energy to fight for others. To give them hope - a reason to live - a purpose to push back - to fight their demons. I want this fight in me to help others not give up - to show the gentleness of God - to point them to the One who has the power to break through anything.

I'm working on courage. Courage to tell people in my world the things that happened - how I lived.....the darkness - the deception that I believed. - I don't want shame to win out. I don't want shame to stop me - Some days it's easier to have faith. Other days I feel lower than a worm. But that fighter in me won't give up - won't stay down. I have a purpose - a goal. To give back. To reach out. To help even one person not be swallowed up by the darkness.