“Sometimes my feelings are so hot that I have to take the pen and put them out on paper to keep them from seeing me afire inside....." Mark Twain
I used to be afraid of my feelings. I never knew what to do with them. I would feel someone's pain.....my pain....someone's hurt....my hurt....someone's need....my need and become overwhelmed. The feelings would grab onto me and hang on....screaming to be released. I didn't know how. I had no idea. I just knew all the emotions churned inside and drove me crazy.
I tried getting rid of them.....numbing them out...throwing up...ripping my arms....shooting up....anything to not feel....anything to silence their intensity. When I couldn't quiet them....I turned on myself angry for even having them.
Growing up...it wasn't ok to express anything.....especially fear and sadness. When I started to cry....my parents shoved their fists in my face....threatening I better not cry or they would hurt me. I learned to hold everything inside. I learned to not feel....or at least that's what I thought I was doing. I think though....I just numbed everything out with all the addictions.
It's taken me a long time to learn feelings are neither right or wrong. They just are. They're there. They come and they go. I don't need to be afraid of them.
I've learned healthy ways to release them....like running in the woods. Feeling the pain in my legs grounds me...and being in nature is soothing. It's hard in the winter because I can't run....so I write instead....writing from the inside out....writing from that place where my heart speaks....where all the emotions seem to cluster.
When I need that physical release I work out with the wii or goofing around with my girls. It's not the same as being outside and running but it's better than hurting myself.
Feelings - acknowledging them...embracing them has helped me in connecting back to myself and others.
"Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure." Oprah Winfrey
I'm restless - a lot of the time. I have tons of energy. I need to move - and keep moving. When I'm sitting too long - my mind wanders. I feel fidgety. Edgy. There's a strong intense surge of energy that builds inside me - a push to get up, to move, to do something. I try to fight it - I tell myself - hang in - focus - stay still - chill.
My mind drifts - wanders. I want to experience more right at that moment - I want to do something - anything - except sit and listen and wait...... I feel this driving need pulling at me - to get up, run, move - create -
Sometimes I wonder if that restlessness is from all the times I was forced to be still, to be silent - to wait.
The many times I was locked in the car - alone - for hours. Crouching in the back on the floor - not moving - afraid - praying no one would notice me -
The many times I was pinned to the bed - for hours.....feeling smothered, trapped, desperate to get up.
The many times I sat still - listening to tapes of the rapist tell how he was the savior for the world....for hours.
Confined by the hospital - in a small room or tied to a bed - feeling like an amimal caught in a trap - for hours.....
Restlessness - I feel it in every fibre of my being. It's a feeling of being trapped, confined, held back......
Restlessness - it doesn't let up. It builds until I'm forced to do something to seek relief....I used to hit up, throw up, cut. I won't do that anymore. Now I run or bike or swim or write.
Restlessness - this strong intense inner agitation. An angst to move - to be free.
Being physically active works for me. There are days when it's raining, or so cold I can't go out. Once, last winter, I felt so agitated - I needed to run, or move or do something. My 13 year old held out her hands to me. Let's run mom. I looked at her. Huh? She smiled. Take my hands. Let's run, on the spot. We did. It was tons of fun. Now we do it all the time challenging each other to see who tires first.
My kids have no idea what I lived. I won't tell them - not now - but they are in tune with my needs. And God uses them to help me. I'm so thankful that today I am free to move - free to experience life - free to live. And I'm trying to channel this restless energy into something positive - like writing to give others hope -
It doesn't matter anymore what happened to me - it matters more how I use what happened.....I'm determined to use it for something good.
"Each has his past shut in him like the leaves of a book known to him by heart and his friends can only read the title." Virginia WoolfI told God I would do anything for Him. I told Him there is nothing I wouldn't do. Nothing at all. He freed me. He broke the hold of all those things that were killing me. I almost died. Not once. Many times. But He wouldn't let me die.
I had a thing for heights. I used to shoot up and then climb to the rooftop of this building. I'd stand on the ledge with my arms out. I believed I could fly. I believed I wouldn't fall. I heard a voice telling me to jump. Telling me it's ok. Telling me I would soar. I wanted to trust that voice. I came so close to believing what it said. There was a cop who followed me. Who always seemed to be there on that rooftop. Many times he pulled me off that ledge. I would have jumped. I could have died. God didn't let me.
I'll do anything God. Anything you want.
Anything except tell the people in my world today how I lived, what I did, how bad things were, the drugs, the cutting, the abuse, the horrible mess I lived. Pride? Shame?
There was a fire. I dropped the match trying to heat up the dope. The flames engulfed the room. I was trapped. I should have died.
I'll do anything God. Anything you want.
The hospital told me they had never seen anyone so thin. I weighed less than eighty pounds. I was cold all the time. Freezing. Even in summer. My electrolytes were out of whack making my legs hurt. They said my heart would stop. It never did. He wouldn't let it.
I'll do anything God. Anything you want.
When I run I have courage. When I run I know He is running with me. I'm not alone. He gives me this incredible strength. He empowers me. When I run and feel His presence I know I can do anything. Will do anything. Even tell.
I owe Him. I want to tell but I'm afaid to. One day, I won't be afraid.
I'll do anything God. I promise. One day. I'll find the courage.
"One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody." Mother Theresa
I used to feel that nobody cared about me. That I didn't matter. What I thought didn't matter, What I wanted didn't matter. Who I was didn't matter.
Even when someone offered love to me I couldn't feel it. It actually hurt so I ran from it. I didn't think I was worthy. I knew I wasn't. I lived my life running, hiding - angry, scared, hating everything about who and what I was.
Then God touched me. Powerfully. Broke through when nothing else could. In a hospital emergency room where I lay under oxygen. I felt His touch. The doctor had said I wouldn't live past the year because of all the damage I had done to my body from the drugs, the eating disorder and the street lifestyle.
But God touched me. He broke the hold the drugs had over me. Yet even though He touched me I still hated everything about myself. I blamed myself for the kidnap, beatings and rape and for all the stuff that happened. I couldn't stop hurting myself. The self loathing ran deep.
Blogging. It's broken the aloneness. I've kept silent for so long. Afraid to tell the awful things that happened. Afraid to speak. So I write. Here I can say it.
I have fought everything alone. Couldn't tell anyone. I didn't want anyone to know because I felt different than everybody else. Stuff that happened didn't seem to be happening to others. I pretended so much that many times I wondered if it happened at all. But all I have to do is look at the scars on my body and close my eyes and see the images in my mind.
I don't feel alone in the fight anymore. Thank-you guys.
