Secrets

"We are only as sick as our secrets." John Bradshaw

To disclose what happened, to tell our secrets, takes courage. Lots of courage. To not tell maintains our shame and for some of us, makes us physically ill. Keeping the secrets of the harm done to us continues to empower the pepetrators. If we don't tell, they are the winners. To tell, to speak out, to admit - empowers us.

Funny how that works though. When I started to disclose: it felt like I would die or somehow fall apart. A huge part of me screamed, 'don't tell.' I didn't want to own what happened. I just wanted to move on with my life and forget all that pain and shame and terror of fighting to survive.

I didn't realize though, that it lived inside me, taking up way too much space and limiting how I moved in life. I strove to be invisible. I told myself if I wasn't seen, no one could hurt me anymore.

Telling for me has been very difficult. It's still difficult. I'm afraid the people in my life will think bad of me, somehow blame me or think less of me. The few people I told didn't think that at all. They said they are amazed. They tell me I am a miracle. I have been shocked to hear them say that. I never thought overcoming what I did was anything special. I didn't think it was that bad although I lived for years punishing myself.

Comfort in Writing

"When I write I can shake off all my care." Anne Frank; diary entry April 4, 1944

I know the comfort of getting lost in writing. I escape to another world as I develop characters and stories beyond where I live. When I write, I am in control. I can create scenerios and endings that excite and inspire me.

I loose myself for hours when I write. Maybe because I never had my voice, never allowed to speak out the brutality of what was being done to me - writing is my voice. Writing gives me a platform to speak, to own my thoughts, to share my heart, to determine what I want, what I need, who I am.

I write for me. I write from my heart. I close my eyes and in my spirit, I see beyond the present and move past all the limitations and restrictions of my own life. When I write, I'm free.

Writing is a source of joy for me, like music in my soul, playing tunes that amazingly transports me to place of peace and contentment.

Forgiving

"He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass." George Herbert

I knew I had to forgive those who hurt me. If I didn't, I would continue to live in a state of anger and frustration and pain. I didn't want that anymore. I was tired of it so I made a choice to let go of all the harm that was done to me.

It didn't happend all at once. I found out forgiveness is a process. One day, I forgave, the next I took it back, and the day after I released it again. This went on for some time until one day, I was finally able to let it all go.

I found it easier to forgive some people and situations then it was to forgive others. There were days I refused to give in and release the need I felt to be disgusted and upset at what was done to me. But other days, I knew if I didn't let go, that rage would destroy me.

For me, not forgiving was not an option. Harboring the hurt only caused me to live in a state of constant turmoil. I craved peace so I chose the way of forgiveness.

I don't think forgiveness is ever easy when someone has hurt you so bad but I see it as something we do for ourselves first and then for others. It's a way to bring freedom into our own lives.

The Hunger for Love

"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread." Mother Theresa

How easy it is to take advantage of someone who is hungering for love. How wonderful though, to provide a hungry soul with kindness for his or her journey. I want to live my life in order to touch people at the point of their need and to make a difference.

The Power of a Smile

"Everytime you smile at someone it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing. Peace begins with a smile." Mother Theresa

It's such a small thing, totally free and extremely powerful. God gave each of us the ability to impact another human being with something that costs us nothing but will reap tons of benefit for us and to whomever we choose to share a "smile" with.

Faith to hear and listen to your Heart

Funny how we tend to think other people know better than us, even when it comes to stuff in our own lives. Growing up with chaos or abuse makes us feel our own voice can't be trusted.

Truth: Trust your heart. Let it lead and guide you. In the words of the snuggly commercial; "Breathe deeply." Then sit quiet and listen. Let your heart speak. Trust what it says in spite of outside voices trying to tell you differently. Move forward with what you hear.

People have their own agendas when they tell us what they think is best for us. A small group will want our highest good but others may operate out of jealousy, their own fears, their own limitations etc. Learn to fly on your own. Believe in your voice!!!

A New Year of Opportunities.

It's the first day of 2009. Exciting! Exciting because God's in it and when He's in it, great things are bound to happen.

I've been writing my story with the hopes of encouraging and inspiring others to have the hope and courage to defeat whatever battles they are fighting in their lives.

Coming Soon: In the Eye of Deception
A story of overcoming childhood abuse, drug addiction, an eating disorder, confinement and rape.