Overdosed

“Whatever you do, do it in moderation" Proverbs

I overdosed. A few days ago.  On popcorn......small yellow and white seemingly harmless kernels. Instead of supper...I ate popcorn. The next morning....had some more for breakfast. We went to an early movie so instead of lunch....I ate popcorn. By the time the movie was over...I wanted to puke. The kids picked up some popcorn and started flipping them at me telling me I have to start eating 'real' food. I grabbed a handful of kernels....chased my youngest and shoved a ton down her shirt. The fight was on...except I had eaten so much popcorn....I felt really ill. 

I don't want to eat popcorn ever again...I don't want to see it...or even hear it pop....except there's one small problem....I love it! 

Can anyone relate?

The Blind Side

"The greatest work that kindness does to others is that it makes them kind themselves." Amelia Earhart:

We watched the movie The Blind Side. For anyone who hasn't seen it....it's a true story about a family who made a difference in the life of a streetkid. A co-worker read my book...told me she saw the movie....it reminded her of me.....She pushed me to go see it.  

It was simliliar in ways. Raised with pain...alone...outcast...labeled....someone's  kindness....God's touch - a life changed.

Her name was Lane. She was a social worker....and she was there for me...when no one else was. Her supervisor warned her to keep a distance...to not get too close...not get involved. I'm not sure why she didn't take her advice....but I'm really grateful she didn't. 

She was there when no one else was. She believed in me...she cared...she stayed. My life...completely out of control...yet she saw something no one else did....she spoke words that made a difference...words that have stayed with me ever since that first time she said them..."I believe in you. You can do it. I believe you'll make it.......I know you will." 

Those words....her words....powerful.  Her actions....kind.....they made a difference. They made a difference to a street kid who everyone said would never make it....who couldn't cope without the needle...without profesional involvement....destined to live on welfare...in and out of facilities...maybe working in a mediocare job....living a substandard life. 

Once...when I was locked up...she told me to call her house every night at four.....talk to my mother until I get home from work. I did...her mother told me she believed in me too. Those words...their kindness pushed me to fight....pushed me to want to make it. It's weird...really weird.. their words...their kindness still motivates something in me to keep moving forward.  

Lost + broken + kindness + His touch = healing + freedom.

Redemption

"A mother's love liberates."  Maya Angelou

I said good-nite to my 14 year old, closed the lights and turned to leave.
"Ma...."
"Yeah?"
"I love you Ma....I love you alot..."

Hearing her words....made me want to cry. Earlier I had been thinking....my kids need a better mom....a mom who'se freer.....who'se not got so many fears... who knows how to cook....who decorates with flair.....and goes on all the school trips....  

I wondered if my kids would be better off in a different kind of home...a home where there would be grandparents....and extended family that loved them...where their mom didn't have to retreat sometimes and hide in the dark....in her writing.....or even in the woods.

That night and the whole next day.... my daughter's words played in my head.  When I thought of them...tears welled in my eyes. I felt like a suck....a whimp....Me - the fighter....who lived wild....daring....out of control...on life's edge..

I love my girls. I really love them.  I've wanted to be to them what no one was to me. I tell them all the time I'm proud of them...that they're the best...and the best that's ever happened to me. I tell them no matter what they do....or what they believe....or what they think...I'll always be there in their corner....and love them.

I tell them they're perfect just the way they are....they don't need to change or twist themselves into being anyone other than themselves....and I tell them they can reach for the stars....whatever stars they want and they can make their dreams come true.. And I tell them everyday they shine. 

We're pretty tight. We talk about everything.....and hang out a lot together.

I think the tears aren't about my teen telling me she loves me....I think maybe it's because they're His way of showing me He loved me enough to give me these two awesome kids......for me to give them what I never got....to love them in ways I never was by my parents. I think it's Him showing me redemption.... for everything I lived...the years on the street....fighting to survive all the pain.....

My tears are because my kids and their love for me is an experession of His love to me...He loved me enough to give us to each other...Redemption for all that pain and hard stuff...

Saying Good-bye

“Never forget me, because if I thought you would, I'd never leave.” A. A. Milne

It was the middle of the night. My aunt woke me up....told me my mother was dead. Then she turned and walked out of the room... left me alone....alone in the dark. I was 12 years old. One year before...my grandmother who looked out for me...died in her sleep. 

I've always struggled with good-byes. Whenever someone says good-bye....I panic. It feels like forever........finished....no more.....gone.

Good-bye triggers feelings of being alone....lost....left.  Good-bye sounds so final....end of story.

Life changed after my mother died. Everyone left....left me and my sister alone...alone with him. And then my sister left....and I really was alone. 

Saying good-bye is hard. When I say goodbye or when someone says it to me....I feel like it's a death....a huge loss....even when it's someone who'se not so important to me. I don't ever say good-bye to my kids. I'm afraid if I do....I'll never see them again....something awful will happen.

Good-bye hurts...it scares me....Even to let go of what I don't want..of anything that's familiar...But life is a series of goodbyes....of constant letting go...To hold on....to never let go doesn't allow other things..good things to come in. 

In my head...I'm afraid...afraid to say goodbye...afraid to let go...but there's something I need to say goodbye to.  I feel it. I know it. But I'm still afraid. So today...I'm going to practice letting go...to not being afraid to trust....to believe that in letting go....in saying goodbye...something better will come...

Focus

"This day, this moment, you have what you need to make your dreams come true." Oprah Winfrey

I used to put all my energy....all my focus on surviving...just getting through each day.  I was a fighter. I learned to navigate the streets - the system...to get what I needed just to get by....to survive....to fight my way out of darkness. When I became trapped....I kept one focus....one goal.....determined to get free....And I did - time and time again. I learned determination - focus - will......and even hope...hope that I could survive....that things could be better. 

I've figured out....all that street smarts....all that fighter mentality....I can make work for me....to go after what I want. My best friend is always telling me I'm pretty focused....I get something in my head....centre on that one thing...and don't give up until I get it.

I'm not sure what my dreams are right now.....except....I want to make a difference. I want to empower others...help them reach for their stars....to not be afraid to fail....or fall and to never give up.  I want to live with purpose. I want my life to count....I want Him to use those things I fought against to help someone else know they can achieve whatever they want.....

I think everything I went through put some principles inside me....it gave me determination to never give up. I can drive myself crazy with being so focused....but that drive pushes me to do what others tell me I can't. When someone says, you can't do that.....let it go.....it will never happen....something inside jumps into gear...jumps into fighter mode.....and determination to prove them wrong takes over. 

When I was held by the rapist...I knew I would do anything to get away...to get free....even die if I had to. When I was held by the professionals...trapped in their system...I figured out what I needed to get free - once I got it...I focused only on that until I was free....Focus - determination - will - hope.

Nothing is impossible. Nothing is unattainable.

Anger...Frustration

"No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched."  George Jean Nathan
Anger...frustration.....too many things going wrong. I want to scream....run away.....hide. 
Anger...frustration courses through my system like a wild stallion....out of control.....stampeding over my life....
Anger...frustration...small things becoming big....huge....overwhelming.
Anger....frustration....it tears at me inside....chipping and pulling and tearing until I feel like I'm cracking.....falling...falling away from me. I try reaching back for sanity....I can't...can't find it....I need to get out... run...go...find release....feel peace again.. I need the calm...the balance...the sanity....

You're so calm...people tell me....But I'm not....I'm angry...frustrated...I don't know how to deal with this...don't know what to do with the out of control feelings that threaten to take me down.....to that place of darkness....of hopelessness...of not caring...

Anger...frustration....has a life of it's own...taking over  like a demon possessing my life....and even my body. The tension builds....needing to be released. I'm out the door .....to the woods...don't care that it's cold and muddy and windy....don't care if it rains or snows or hails....Running to release it....trying to outrun it....feeling the pain in my legs from pounding the earth...can't stop....my breathing hard encourages me on....I won't let the anger, frustration rule...I won't let it force me down....running.....feeling the freedom....being outdoors....alone....the pain in my body releasing the angst in my soul. 

Anger....frustration....demons to contend with...demons that have always tried to destroy with their intense power....their unyielding force....laughing in my face....as if they've won the battle...the fight...I won't let them anymore.....running to be free....running to let go....running to find my way back to myself....to that peace and calm and reason......Run....Breathe...Let go.....

Laughter

 
"The human race has one really effective weapon: laughter." Mark Twain

When I was in grade four, my teacher looked at me and said, "you are the saddest looking child I"ve ever seen." I don't ever remember laughing or having fun as a child. I was too scared....too preoccupied trying hard not to make anyone mad. I didn't want them flying into a rage. I didn't want them to hurt me. I never let my guard down. I never smiled and I never laughed.

My best friend Debbie and I have some of the best laughing times ever.... usually when both of us are tired. She says something...I laugh....which makes her laugh again.  Then I try to reply to what she said....I can't. I crack up. That starts the chain reaction with her laughing again.  Her laughing makes me laugh more and before you know it, the two of us are caught up in nonestop gales of laughter that goes on and on and on. I love when that happens. It's awesome...and a great release.

My youngest has that effect too. Sometimes when I feel stressed and need space...she comes and stands right in front of me making silly faces. When I tell her to go away, she makes a weird face and says something that cuts through my bad mood and cracks me up. The more I tell her to go away...the more she makes me laugh with her goofiness.Whatever I was upset or worried about.....ends up disappearing.. Laughing feels good.

I used to be really afraid of my emotions. I never laughed. I never cried. I was frozen inside. All I felt was fear. And I couldn't let my guard down....I couldn't relax....even a little....to let myself  laugh meant trusting life not to hurt me. I didn't believe that.

But I think now....laughing and even crying are gifts He gave us.....when things get too stressful....too overwhelming...laughing is such a great stress reliever.

The Difference

"There are two ways of exerting one's strength; one is pushing down, the other is pulling up." Booker T. Washington

I had a friend who was labeled violent. He was. He constantly beat people up....smashed things....terrorized everyone. His father had beat and sexually abused him. His uncles did too. When he turned 14 he wanted the power they had....he didn't want to be the victim anyomore. He wanted to be in control....like them. 

He showed up at school one day and attacked a kid.... turned over desks and was labeled violent. Everyone was afraid of him....the kids...the teachers....even the authorities. For the next few years he was in and out of treatment centres.....in and out of psych hospitals....heavily medicated. He couldn't hold down a job or  live on his own. His rage....his temper became his calling card. 

We talked a lot him and I. He told me stuff....stuff from his heart. I found out he could draw like no one else I knew. I wrote a story about a dandelion.....I read it to him. He drew pages and pages of beautiful dandelions....in brilliant color. I saw gentleness in his art...and in him. I saw the human being....the real person. 

I told him me and God believed in him. One day he admitted he didn't want to hurt anyone....he never did. He had just wanted the abuse to stop. He didn't know how to make it stop.....and now he didn't know how to stop being violent.

I never told him what happened to me...I never told him I had been beaten, held and raped. I never told him how much I hated the people who hurt me...and how I lived and breathed that hatred. I didn't even tell him how I unleashed all that hatred on myself......I was just there for him....listening....letting him talk...letting him vent his frustrations...and share his heart.  I started to see more of the the good in him. Others saw it too.  He started trying hard to control his temper and when he couldn't...when he lost it...he started saying he was sorry. 

One day his father came to see him. I was there. It shocked me to see how ordinary he looked...like anyone's father.....not deranged...or perverted or weird....just an ordinary man. But I knew what he had done to my friend. I knew his twisted mind. 

I remember thinking that day....I don't ever want to be like that man...or like my parents....or like the rapist who held me. I never want to hurt anybody. I want to be kind. I want to care. I want to be gentle like how God has been with me. I want to help pull others up...not tear them down. I  just want to make a postive difference....like He did for me.